Acceptance is hard work

Yes! That's what I mean! I'm super close to my niece. I tell her more than anyone else. It's strange. I wonder why? I've always been close to the eldest even though she drives me bonkers. She spends the most time with me. She's 10 now. @NightFury

Only now I'm starting to connect with people more. I was closed up for a very very long time. But even then, I've never disclosed my mental health or anything deeper. I think there's a lot of trauma there that I don't want to go into it with people... I guess there are just some things that people never disclose, and that's okay?

I'm glad you have at least one person.

I haven't talked to my parents in 2.5 years now. I only talk to them when I see them and I haven't seen them in ages. They live interstate.

I hope you find your tribe.

I think it's more than okay to not disclose things @tyme particularly those things that are traumatic or difficult. I don't think people need to know everytging about us, in order to feel connected.

I have had walls around me for a very long time. I don't show or express emotion around people and that is a big wall. It prevents me from developing connection because I don't show people me, or let them see my vulnerability.

I have one person and I'm grateful to have her in my life. But, I hope I find my tribe to. It's hard to feel so isolated sometimes.

Is the organisation you work in very big? Or is it quite small? How are you enjoying it anyway?

And look, for me, I've been in the workforce for a very long time. I've always gone in with the view that work is for work.... whilst it's nice to have friends, I find it can blur boundaries.

Do you connect with people much at lawn bowls? Where are other places you can meet people @NightFury ?

Hi @tyme

The organisation I work for has 31 employees, and two offices. So, I guess it's medium sized?

I try to look at it in a similar way. I guess it's just difficult when I don't have many connections outside of the work environment.

I do connect with people at lawn bowls, but none are my age. They're all older people, or younger than me and my brother's friends. That's why I took up lawn bowls again this year, because it's a way for me to feel connected to others.

I don't know where else I can meet people. I don't really do anything else.

Hello lovely,

How are you feeling tonight? @NightFury 💛

I am here to chat for the next couple of hours and would love an update on how you're going.

Last time I checked in, you were feeling a bit frustrated with yourself around not being able to muster the motivation to study and I honestly couldn't relate to this more! What do you think your mind and body have been needing in order to soften into action?

I am glad work has been feeling a little less overwhelming. How has the last week been?

I can really hear how complex leaving QLD and coming home was for you... is there anything you would like to share that I can hold space for?

Yay! Glad to know you will be a part of Recovery Club, that must feel really reassuring. 🥰

Hi @AuntGlow

I've been feeling really up and down of late. Tonight, I lit my wood heater. It's not that cold, so I'm kind overheating a tad, but it's a comfort thing.

I've been having some issues with health stuff. I've been getting muscle cramps, headaches, I spent three days this week on the loo, and today I have a cold sore. I think I'm really run down.

I don't know if I mustered the motivation, but I finished my assignment today. It was more of a needing to end the horribleness of it all. I had four meltdowns over one assignment.

The last week at work was okay. It was a three day working week because of Easter and a RDO. I'm having some...anxiety over not feeling connections with my work colleagues. I'm smashing my KPI's this, and I'm settling into the work load and the expectations.

Regarding QLD, I shared in a discussion with Jynx, but instead of repeating it. I'll tag you in the conversation.

I've been struggling with the OCD course and it's been stirring a lot of things up, to the point where I wanted to give up on it. The course is finished now, but I feel a little disappointed because it doesn't feel like it's helped.

But I got an appointment to see an in person psychologist. It's not until the end of May, but at least I have one.

The post about QLD is here - https://saneforums.org/t5/Talking-through-trauma-and-PTSD/Acceptance-is-hard-work/m-p/1838996/highlight/true#M10975 I've already tagged you in it.

That sounds incredibly comforting, I love it. @NightFury

Oh no! You poor thing, this must be exhausting... I can definitely hear that you are run down. I wonder what is feeling too much for your body right now?

Again, I can relate to this so much. I am sorry that you had to experience meltdowns, but I am proud of you for getting it done. What did you notice was most overwhelming about the assessment?

Amazing work with smashing your KPI's!! Let's allow that to sink in for a moment. 🥰

I can understand why it would be vulnerable to feel a little disconnected from your work colleagues. I know how important relationships are to you and I believe you are capable of cultivating safe and supportive connections in this new role, truly.

I am curious to know about who you resonate with the most so far?

Yes, I just saw this! I am sorry, please know that if I miss a notification, it's not personal at all. I always look forward to your updates. I remember you telling me this story and it touches my heart every time... mainly because I understand what this experience is like and because I know how hard you would have tried to be all that she needed from you. Living in that way, where you over-compromise, shrink, stay silent, and disconnect from yourself is so painful, and it makes sense why reconnecting would feel scary. I truly believe you are such a kind, considerate, and joyful person to be around - inherently. I know that believing this can feel near impossible at times, but I wonder what it would be like to explore rebuilding your sense of inner trust with your new psychologist?

Courses can be very helpful, but they can also be tricky to navigate and implement, as they are generalised and not personalised. So whilst you did an amazing thing for yourself by exploring something new (and please keep doing this!), it's not at all your fault that the content didn't completely resonate with your unique experience. Was there anything in particular you wanted to talk about as a fellow OCD'er? 💛

I think my body's just flooded at the moment @AuntGlow too much anxiety going on, and I haven't been eating well or drinking enough water.

I don't know what the issue was with this assignment. I think it was something new. It was evidence based practice and we had to go through the process of creating a question, planning the search, reviewing the articles using a tool, and answering the question. It was a lot of new things, and I didn't feel supported with it. My online support person doesn't answer her emails and we've had two phone calls that have just dropped out before we'd even gotten into everything. She took a week off sick and now it's Easter. I didn't feel like I knew what I was doing, or how to do it.

I am proud of myself for smashing my KPI's.

I don't know if I resonate with anyone yet. I enjoy the company of a few. There's a male staff member who...he's a good one and he loves to sit and have a chat. He does the clients who present with mental health challenges that impact their behaviour and has included me in several of his sessions. He had this horrible car accident where he was hit by a car while crossing the road and he's had to come back from that.

I also enjoy the company of two female colleagues. They're both from overseas. One is a counsellor and she's quiet and composed and grounded. She's a reader like me and we have good chats before work in the coffee shop. The other is a BSP like me and she's the opposite - full of energy and bouncing off the walls. She talks too quickly and is loud and fun and chaotic. Her energy rubs off on me.

QLD was hard. And when I made the decision to come home, I left a really supportive work place and friendships that were just starting to develop. One still keeps in touch. I think rebuilding my inner trust would be a good thing to work on with my new psychologist.

I think we've talked about the fact that the course was very focused on behaviours. It was aimed at those who have physical compulsions. I have had physical compulsions in the past, but for me now, OCD is a mental thing.

We were working on not checking the door was locked, everytime I went into the kitchen. And then we started working on, not checking the cameras of a night using a step ladder approach where I had to rank hardest to easiest behaviours. My cameras are linked to my phone on an ap and so, I started with putting my phone on silent and sitting it face down on my bedside table, then putting it on silent and putting it in the drawer of my bedside table. But...these things have been almost too easy. And haven't really been dealing with the real problem.

There are two things happening here of a night - I feel incredibly vulnerable when I sleep. I am scared that someone is going to break in, and I am going to wake up to a figure standing over my bed. This fear has always been there for me, but was exaccerbated by the break in last year.

And secondly, this is a really tough one, when I was a teenager, I developed OCD around night terrors. I would wake up standing beside my bed and have no awareness of having gotten out of bed. I started to believe that when I was asleep, I was going to hurt my family and I wouldn't be able to stop myself because I wouldn't be aware or in control of my own actions. I developed a compulsion around saying a phrase before going to sleep, not just once, repeating it over and over again until it negated all other thoughts and I feel asleep. The phrase is, "please God, don't let anything happen to my family while I sleep. No fires, no robberies, nothing. Please God, please don't let anything happen, keep us safe." I'm not even religious. I don't live with anyone, so this mitigates this a little now, and I avoid sleeping if other people are around, or I'll sleep with the bedroom door closed. I won't allow my niece to stay over, and sometimes I have nightmares and fears about hurting Luna while I sleep. While the fear isn't as present because I live alone, I still use the phrase to drown out any other thoughts of a night, until I fall asleep.

But not having access to my phone, not checking the cameras or that the doors are locked don't address the bigger problem. And then, there are also other mental compulsions that make me feel so exhausted and tie me in knots every day. And I feel when I've spoken about them in this course with my phone appointment with the therapist, they have been misunderstood and mislabelled as social anxiety.

Good evening @NightFury 🥰

Ah, I understand this experience well... it's hard taking care of ourselves when we are in survival mode. Do you have any moments throughout the week to yourself - where no one needs anything from you?

How interesting! That definitely sounds engaging, but also something that would be very challenging without adequate support. That would have been very frustrating, because I know hard you work and how much effort you put in. I can imagine you still will have done a great job, because of this fact.

YESSSS 💪 What is an experience at work that you have really enjoyed so far? I would love to hear!

Oh wow, that must have been so much for his mind and body to go through. He sounds really inclusive and supportive. I am glad you have someone like him who is embracing and encouraging you. I am looking forward to hearing how this connection progresses. Both of the women sound wonderful for you in different ways, and we need friends who can be both grounding and inspire our inner choas! (The latter sounds like me haha)

I can imagine there would be a lot of complex grief attached to this experience, @NightFury, and I can hear it's still really pressing for you... I wonder why this experience is still showing up for you? Do you think there's something that still needs to be heard/attended to/or nurtured? 💛

Yes, it can be sooo disheartening when an OCD program only focuses on external compulsions... it's not wrong, it's just not the whole picture. And just because they didn't capture the whole picture, doesn't make your OCD treatment resistant... we just need to find another artist, so to speak. 😉

The fact that it was easy is incredible because I remember a time when not checking the door or camera was really scary for you! So I just want to acknowledge this progress for a moment. ☺️

However, I completely hear you around the complexity of your OCD and just how nuanced it is - because you have had a very real experience to justify your fear, and that needs to be acknowledged. Exposure and Response Prevention can absolutely help with this too. 'Using a step ladder approach where I had to rank hardest to easiest behaviours' could potentially be applied here as well, which I really recommend talking about in therapy. Are you able to identify what some of your current compulsions, mental or otherwise, are at the moment?

Until you see your therapist, I wonder how we can work on cultivating inner safety at night? Because when the body feels safe, anxious thoughts tend to give us more space.

And I truly understand how exhausting this process is - sending you the biggest of hugs. 🥰

I'm sure there are times where people fon't need anything from me @AuntGlow but those times become about the things that I need to do. I need to get my study done, I need to get the housework done, I need to take Luna for a walk, I need to make food to eat...and so on. There is always something I need to do that hangs around in the back of my mind, even when I'm trying to relax.

I think I've given up trying to get support in this unit. I'm just going to figure it out myself and hope that I at least pass.

I've really enjoyed being able to work from home. I've had two work from home days so far and it allows me to feel like I'm in control of how I manage my time. I enjoy the freedom in this job.

He is still recovering, but he's really open with talking about his journey. And both of the women are both wonderful.

She sounds like you? Really? Because I see you as someone grounded, calm and steady.

I think it's showing up because I haven't worked through it. I moved home, and the day after I arrived, I started wotk, then started looking for my own home and thrn lots of things happened last year and I haven't had a chance to really wotk through QLD.

There was a time when it was really hard to not check the door or the camera, yes, and I still have moments, or nights when it's hard. But those nights are generally because something feels off, or there are noises or things happening in the street. Like, a couple of weeks ago, we had a gang of kids get in a fight in the driveway of a house across the road.

I think I need to do the step ladder approach with support in therapy. I don't think the "here, here's a strategy, go figure it out," approach works very well for me.

I have a lot of anxiety at night time. I can feel it building and building as soon as I get home from work. I would love to work on this. I used to connect here and it helped a lot, but...the forums have changed.