Acceptance is hard work

Evening @NightFury 🙏, how’s your day been? Yeah I’m ok thanks for asking 😊

Yeah completely understand, definitely empathise with you re the overpayment stuff 😞

It’s awesome to hear that you are still doing your monthly activities. A medium sounds super cool. I find that stuff interesting. I got my palm read twice by different people within 10 years of each other by people known to me, both seemed to pick up similar vibes and just double look and give me a concerned look on there face without telling me what they were reading really, so that was interesting that I got similar reactions from them both. Will have to get it read by someone not known to me and perhaps they will feel willing to tell me what they see. Happy to hear more about what led you to wanting to go see a medium etc but also completely fine if you don’t want too 💚

Hi @Chasingsunsets I'm sorry for the slow reply.

I have a friend who's a tarot reader and reiki practitioner. I also dabble in tarot reading and have tried runes too.

It isn't my first time seeing a medium. Someone who used to be a friend and a guide for me is a Medium and energy healer. I have done Mediumship courses with him. I went to his shows and courses pretty consistently, but I haven't been a part of that world for over a year now really. I miss it. And I guess that's what made me want to go and see a show again. It's a first in that...I haven't been to see any other Mediums.

As someone who experiences these compulsions too, I can assure you that whilst they are also a product of anxiety, these patterns absolutely show up in OCD. For example: https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/the-rumination-trap.

Does this resonate at all?

Oh yay!! I am so glad. We have some wonderful coaches on at the moment, so that's lovely to hear. Will you join in on some groups when they start back up?

It's okay to not know exactly what you need. I wonder if you can look at what you're needing most on the day of your appointments and work from there?

I understand financial challenges very well, and it can be really tough to navigate changes in pay. I also understand chasing a little dopamine with all you have going on. What have you bought that has brought you some joy? ✨

Hmm, I am sensing a counsellor would be quite helpful for this. Have a look through some of the counsellors on PACFA and see if any resonate. Then, I would encourage reaching out and seeing if they offer a 'sliding scale', so that you can see someone regularly within your budget. https://www.pacfa.org.au/portal/portal/Find-a-Therapist/Find-A-Therapist.aspx?hkey=8840626d-7a85-4e3f-951b-51d2f8b7bf94

Let me know your thoughts. 🫶

That does resonate @AuntGlow

I find that I can relate to the some of the examples in that article. I often get stuck in replaying conversations to see if I've done or said something wrong because something felt off.

I did this a couple of weeks ago with a girl at work. I asked her if I could shadow a session. She works with a client who was a student in my class last year and she had previously let me shadow a session with him. This time she said no, and didn't provide an explanation and my brain could not let it go. I needed to know why, but I wasn't going to ask because that would make me look strange. So, by the end of the day I'd come up with this big story of my friend, the TA who had worked in my class last year, had talked to the client's Mum and they had spoken about me shadowing the session and the practitioner had heard about it and had thought that it was a breach of confidentiality and she was cranky with me and I was going to get in trouble with the bosses. I even messaged my friend to see if she'd had a conversation with the client's Mum.

For my own peace of mind because I just couldn't let it go, I had literally stayed awake that night ruminating on it and all the possible consequenced and the next day I spoke to the therapist who had said no, and asked her why and if it was anything I'd done and she said that she just needed some time with her client. It had absolutely nothing to do with the story in my head.

But...I am still convinced that she doesn't like me and that I've done something wrong. It makes me awkward and uncertain around her.

I also revisit past mistakes. I want to be able to let QLD and my experience of it and what happened with my friendships over there, go, but I can't.

And checking health symptoms. I will even google symptoms to try and find out what's going on.

I want to join in on some groups, yes. I found them to be a really accepting space. I rarely joined in and only ever contributed through the chat, but I was starting to feel more confident when they closed down.

I brought a chair. Lol. I hate my lounge suit it's really uncomfortable and so, I sit on the floor in my loungeroom. I've tried bean bags and cushions. But I recently stumbled upon a chair and I wanted it. It was expensive.

Thank you for sharing the link, AuntGlow. I'll have a look through that and see if any of the counsellors resonate.

Aww wow @NightFury sounds like you have been through a lot of physical and emotional pain over the last little while.

It also sucks that the OCD supports don't feel quite right - but I promise that doesn't make your experiences any less valid. We are complex creatures, and sometimes the interplay between different facets of our experiences, history, even our biology, means that we may have to do a bit of trial and error to find therapeutic supports that suit our needs. That reflects more on the fact that we are still learning about ourselves as human beings, than it does on you as an individual. I mean wasn't that long ago that people were simply committed to an asylum if they didn't fit the mould! Psychology and its various treatments may have come a long way, but there's still a ways to go I reckon. And there's no one-size-fits-all approach.

Have you been able to get anything useful out of it to date?

How's your pulled muscle feeling now?

Sending hugs 💜

Hi @Jynx I kind of really crashed a lot this week. Lots of tears, lots of big emotions and a lot of "what's the point?"

Today's been better. Though, I woke up with a splitting headache.

I've had some really difficult conversations with the therapist phone calls. I spoke for the first time about the obsessions that come up for me around harming the people I love during the night, while I'm asleep and unaware (I would never...just gotta add) and how that shows up for me. I've learnt that I already do some of the strategies, and have been doing them for a while. We talked a little bit about a category of OCD that's not really considered a category any more - safety OCD and how the therapist believes that shows up for me.

But also...a lot of confusion and frustration and feeling like I don't fit.

My pulled muscle is soso much better. I can actually move now without it taking my breath away, without my whole core going into a spasm.

How are you? I saw you've been away?

@NightFury I hope the headache has eased off hun and doesn't show up again tomorrow 🤞

Sounds like you're getting some greater insight and self-understanding mayhap? I think sometimes it can help to remember that anxiety, though often painful, can also show us the depth of our care. It wouldn't be so distressing for you to have these intrusive thoughts if you didn't care so deeply about the people you love.

Do you and your therapist talk much about how neurodiversity might be interacting with these things for you? I'm not sure if it's a factor but maybe worth exploring, as it could be something that contributes to the 'not fitting' part. But I do understand how that can potentially lead to feelings of alienation and frustration at still not quite being able to make sense of your experiences.

Oh gladness! Hope you're still resting up a bit, and not over-stretching or anything. I get so tempted to stretch out pulled muscles but sometimes the best treatment is a lack of movement. Maybe a physio is something to think about - though perhaps not right now, with all that's already going on. Definitely seek medical attention if it worsens though, of course!

I've been visiting my family in NSW! I'm still settling back into routine but chugging along okay. Glad to be back with my kitties again 😊

I hope it stays away too @Jynx

I am getting some self understanding. With the behavioural experiments we do through the course to try and interrupt the OCD loop, I feel like I'm not working on the "right" thing. The therapist wanted me to start with a smaller thing, and so we have, but it's not having an impact where it counts because a lot of my OCD experience are mental compulsions, not behavioural and I think that's probably good insight too.

The psychologist I was seeing definitely thought neurodivergence was a thing that had an impact for me. I scored highly on the screeners she gave me. She wrote a letter to my GP recommending I be referred for an assessment. My GP referred me to a psychiatrist for a general mental health assessment and care plan first. That psychiatrist recommended that I not have the ADHD/Autism assessment because it was going to be hard to judge whether my symptoms were a product of Anxiety or if they were ADHD/Autism. So, the ADHD/Autism assessment hasn't happened. And I'm not seeing the psychologist any more, and the therapist through the OCD course likes for conversation to be on OCD. So, I long story short...that's kind of fallen through the cracks.

If it comes back or worsens, I will definitely seek medical attention. It was the worst pain I've ever felt and not being able to breathe was scary. I was silly not to see medical attention in the first place.

I bet they missed you, Jynx. It's always nice to come home back into your own space, when you've been away.

@tyme how are you? How are you going with Smiling Minds?

Ahhh me too. It's exhausting, isn't it? @NightFury 😣

It's so interesting what our minds do to establish a sense of certainty, hey? And I think that happens when uncertainty feels so scary or painful that the torture of rumination somehow feels less overwhelming, because it creates a false sense of control... it's so tough, but it makes lots of sense. When uncertainty feels unsafe, our minds will do what they can to protect us.

I wonder how it would feel to explore allowing the uncertainty to be there next time? And utilising the anxious energy in another way? 🤔

Something one of my friends asked me the other day when I was worried that I said something wrong was, "What does your mind say that means about you? Because that's what actually needs tending to." And I was like, "Dammit! She's right!" haha

So, maybe this is something you could journal about and explore a little bit in your creative writing?

I understand not being able to let QLD go, that was a really big and painful experience for you. Kind of like the question above, what is the feeling that's underneath the thoughts?

What needs your inner nurturing and attention?

Well, I really hope we see you in some groups again! I can imagine the connection would be so helpful right now.

ooh! Are they those sets that blow up on their own?? I have seen a couple and really want one too.

Please let me know if you find a counsellor that you vibe. ✨