Acceptance is hard work

@tyme @AuntGlow @Jynx @Till23 So, I'm sitting here this morning, with my cup of coffee and hot cross bun for breakfast, reflecting on the last couple of days and I wanted to share...

I have had some escalating challenges over the last couple of days. SH has been something that's slowly escalating and sleep has been an issue. I'm having nightmares and waking up feeling scared and panicky. Then during the day feeling fragile and vulnerable as a result and just trying to put things into place that help me go through the day gently. I just have this general unsettled feeling in my chest and I feel like...like I'm a little more breakable and fragile.

But look, I have managed to achieve some things...

• I put up a post about barriers to accessing more support and feel quite positive about it.
• I made contact with a crisis lines for the first time - didn't actually get to speak to a person because I freaked out when the bot asked me to rate my level of distress and skedaddle. But I'm giving points to myself for trying?
• I've set up a coffee date with a friend - with the intention of talking to her about some of this. She's a safe person, the only one in my support network, and I'm trying to plan that conversation in my head.
• I did a thing yesterday that I've been stuck with - I called the Wood Man and organised some wood, so that I have heating and not freezing in this cold, wet winter weather. He delivered a load the same day and we organised a payment plan that doesn't create any more financial stress.
• @AuntGlow this is particularly relevent to a conversation we were having - I got a HD in my first assignment and I took the stress off myself completely and did the research and the writing in a day and it worked well.
• Related to the above - I also contacted the Uni success advisor and asked for suggestions about how to approach my studies because it is hitting my triggers and elevating my stress and anxiety levels. I just told them that I had some mental health challenges and needed to take some of the pressure off myself, and asked for advice on how to do that.

I have an appointment with my Guided Recovery Counsellor on Monday. It's my second one, the first one was kind of like a "more information session" to give her guidance with what we need to cover. So I'm anxious about how to talk to her and what to talk about. I'm anxious about sharing that I feel like things are escalating, I'm anxious to talk about the SH relating to the email I sent her through the week. So, I'm trying to work through that.

I'm also kind of working through some forum based anxiety too.

Hi @AuntGlow how's your weekend been?

Happy Sunday @NightFury! 🌞

Processing, I like to hear it. How is that idea sitting with you today?

Of course, I understand completely. My mind also needs to understand the 'why' of things.

How has seeing your niece been? And have you noticed any 'glimmer' moments over the weekend? ✨

It's such a delicate and nuanced situation, isn't it? I think you're allowed to write a letter that is emotive, honest, and shares your personal experience of things - even if it does place some blame, because her actions were hers, you know?

Hmm, it seems you 'broke things' the moment you placed healthy boundaries, asked for what you needed, and stood up for yourself. No relationship is worth staying in if it keeps you feeling small, unsafe, or like you can't be treated with respect. Even though it's painful and hard, and sometimes confusing, I am glad that you are in a safer place now. And I hope you continue to find the mutual, loving, and respectful connections that you deserve. 💛

They sound so fun!! I used to have a spinny ring, but I forgot to wear it all the time haha what does yours look like?

I understand this thought process... it might be helpful to know that we all have 'hidden' coping strategies and that it's okay to have things that help to ground you. I actually wouldn't be surprised if people asked you about them with curiosity and would be grateful to see you supporting yourself (I think it would actually give others permission to do the same). 🤗

I just wanted to add that the perfectionism you developed throughout childhood due to your parents' unrelenting expectations... this is so, so much for a young person to internalise. So, every time you notice this pattern come up, or you're triggered in the presence of someone with a similar energy to them, or you're needing to turn to more regulating practices (like fidgets), know that you have the opportunity to be the kind, loving presence that you deserved. I say this with full awareness that being this presence is indescribably difficult when we have complex trauma, but even a small amount of loving, inner parenting can help. Something that has helped me is imagining what my psychologist would say to me. Maybe you could do the same with us? For example, imagine what myself, Jynx, or Till23 would say in those moments - maybe over time, your mind may start to believe those affirmations a little more. ❤️

I just responded to your comment from a few days ago! haha reading your other comments now. 🤗 @NightFury

My weekend has been quiet, I have had to take it slow after pinching a nerve in pilates. 😩 So no dancing for me, unfortunately... maybe next weekend! 🤭

@AuntGlow I don't know whether to reply, or let you catch up...

Can I just let you know...I am feeling really anxious and sad today and like...I just need someone to hold me together.

My niece is still here with me. We're watching Mickey Mouse, while we have some chill time. I've been taking lots of photos and videos, so that I can access the glimmers that are coming up throughout the day.

Writing a letter to my old housemate sounds like something I could do. If I'm going to be honest and open, I'm not sure I'd be comfortable sending it to her, but maybe I can make that decision once it's written.

That inner presence, the inner parenting voice you speak about...what would you say? I think I need to hear it today. I hope it's okay to ask too and not weird?

I'm sorry to hear you're injured. Take it slow, rest up and hopefully you're back to exercise, dancing and pilates soon.

Hi @NightFury what are your go to strategies when you are feeling anxious?

I think the parenting voice would say, you need to rest, you've done a lot of things this weekend. You have achieved some things in last week or two, that you have been trying to do for a while, such as reaching out. You deserve to have some self care and if that's chilling or playing with your niece that's great.

You can address other things, like the letter later.

Although on that front, you can just write it an never send it, because writing it will possibly help you to deal with, what was a horrible situation.

I know it's hard to really chill when your anxious, so maybe playing a game with your niece might help, because your mind will be engaged in doing that

I must say @NightFury a hot cross bun for breakfast sounds fabulous. I just had a cup of tea this morning, so that I didn't throw up my breakfast on my team mates when training hard 😒

We have breakfast at a club after training though, so I do actual eat something.

When I had my radiotherapy, which was daily for four weeks (I had the last appointment of the day, so I could just leave work a bit earlier for those weeks) I had nightmares every night and only slept about 2hrs per night. The nightmares were about the CSA and torture, they were really a reliving, because they were all about actual things that happened. I was extremely tired because I was working all day, having radiotherapy and then coming home and repeat. Radiotherapy itself makes you tired, because your body has to replace all the cells the radiotherapy killed, some of which are cancer cells, but most are not, so it takes up a lot of energy.

Anyhow I would wake up from nightmares in a panic as well, so that's alot of energy as well as surging adrenaline and cortisol, which doesn't have time to go back down. That mucks up your circadian rhythms because cortisol involved in that. So it's not surprising you are fragile in the day.

So in the context of all that, your achievements are tremendous and especially getting a High D!! Congrats on that humungous achievement.

Don't forget the guided recovery counsellor will guide you, if you get stuck or are not sure. Also they are used to complex trauma and complex MH because that's what SANE is for. So believe me, they have heard pretty much everything before including SI and SH.

Also remember that you are taking it at your own pace, if you think you are going too quick, or don't want to discuss something just now, you can just tell them, they won't be upset etc.

@Till23 the nightmares are really taking their toll. I've always had sleep issues and have had night mares since I was a teenager, but on top of everything else...

My anxiety is through the roof during the day and then of a night, I can't get a break from it. I wake up from nightmares, or I wake up and my heart's beating in my head and I feel scared and panicky. I've been reaching out here when that happens and thankfully someone's been here to respond, to have a chat about random things to help me ground and settle enough to get back to sleep.

Thank you for sharing your experiences with nightmares and your understanding...it helps to know that others have been or are in the same boat. It feels so isolating when you're having nightmares in the middle of the night, and you live alone. There's no one there to check in on you.

Um...strategies to manage my anxiety...throw myself into work, different breathing techniques, allowing my body to move, which is almost a constant (I pace when I teach, and use fidgets at home...I get the knee bob happening). But other than that, I don't really have any. That's what I hope to work on with the counsellor.

I agree @NightFury nightmares are crap! They definitely take their toll, even if you just consider the loss of sleep alone, that's a large impact. Of course being tired makes everything harder to deal with. Then if you add in the psychological toll, it's a massive toll on you.

I have had nightmares since the abuse, so for the last 50 years. The frequency and intensity waxes and wanes depending on what else is happening in my life. I also have work related nightmares. I have seen a lot of badly injured and dead people throughout my work. I was a bit surprised how much nightmares increased when I was having radiotherapy, but now they have settled right down.

I hope you are able to get in to a GP soon so you can discuss whether medication might be appropriate. I changed medications this year and while I was changing my anxiety was through the roof, couldn't sit still, sleep was bad etc. I am so much calmer on meds, I can still think and am doing exercise at a fairly high level for my age. I did a quite a high level job while on medication and you'd be surprised who and how many people are on medications.

Strategies for dealing with anxiety is a great starter topic for guided recovery and the counsellor will be all over it.

One technique is the five senses, like naming 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can feel, two things you can smell, one thing you can taste.

I am pretty much constantly moving even if people can't see it - like flexing my toes, clenching my teeth, or putting presure on or off with my fingers on my other arm or something. I have learnt over the years how to hide these things.

@Till23 I just feel...like at the moment, my anxiety is constantly in the on position, with the dimmer turned up full blast.

And so are my triggers.

And today, I'm sad because I have this beautiful little person who I love with all my heart in my life and I'm still in anxiety management mode.

I just want a break and I can't...I don't know if I want to acknowledge that thought because I'm scared of the consequences of it. Maybe I'm just in a mood?

I hope to be able to get into a GP too. I'm hoping that my ability to sort out my wood situation is evidence to my own brain that I have the capacity to deal with things I'm stuck on - seeing a GP is one of those.

I have used a similar technique while meditating. What can I see, hear, smell, touch, taste and feel...it connects me to my senses and grounds me. I have to admit, I haven't used it in amongst my day to day life stuff. I do a lot of deep breathing, and work on box breathing and sometimes on taking two short tips in and releasing it slowly, as if blowing out of a straw.