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Talking through trauma and PTSD

Acceptance is hard work

Acceptance is hard work

Before I start, I just want to say…that I don’t feel comfortable in this space. It’s hard to be in the trauma and PTSD forum, but for me at the moment, I’m working through a level of acceptance.

I don’t have a diagnosis, I’ve never spoken to or seen a counsellor, or received any kind of mental health support. I have a very good friend who works in a healing space and has seen and experienced the impact my mental health and my triggers has on me. She has a lived experience of CPTSD and she knows a little of my story. She has helped me with resources and just by being a wonderful safe space for me to talk about what I’m experiencing. She suggested that perhaps, I could be experiencing the symptoms of CPTSD.

I completed a self-referral for the guided recovery program and have started that process. It has me straddling the line of acceptance. I have always had “anxiety” and have experienced panic attacks and flash backs and all of those good things. My first memories of my anxiety was when I was a teenager. But now, I accept that it isn’t entirely accurate.

My brain’s blocked out some of my memories of what happened to me. Logically, I know that it happened, but it was as if…if I couldn’t remember it all, then maybe I could live with doubt and maybe that doubt was permission to say…”you know what? Maybe It’s not real.” And if it didn’t really happen, then I don’t have CPTSD.

I will also acknowledge that I have been fairly avoidant with seeking help for a number of reasons, but one of those reasons is because I don’t want to talk about/acknowledge that what happened, actually happened.

I’m in a space at the moment where I know that the first step for me is actually owning it and accepting it. But, that makes me feel very vulnerable, and the acceptance feels “slippery,” I can’t quite wrap my head around it, as if a part of me is protecting me from it, if that makes sense.

Last year, a friend (who is no longer a friend) told me in an argument that I use my anxiety “as an excuse” and maybe she’s right - but not in the context she meant it. I’ve used my anxiety as an excuse not to acknowledge that there’s something else behind it. Is acceptance something that you let happen organically as you move through life, and counselling and all the processes? Or is this something that you push yourself through, knowing that it’s an important step? How do you work through this process of arriving at acceptance on multiple levels?

@Jynx @rav3n @tyme and I don’t know who else to tag, I’m sorry.

3920 replies

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In response to: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

@NightFury I too am in the state of needing to cut out whatever I can to reduce burnout. I also relate to your concerns about letting others down or them being disappointed if you cut out things -- being reliable/dependable and available for people is important to me too. However one thing I try to keep in mind myself with regard to these activities...

1. Can I talk to the person and explain how I am re: burnout and/or fatigue?

2. If I do, how would they be likely to respond? Will they probably understand and actually suggest that I don't do what was planned that impacts them?

3. Does the person I am "letting down"/"disappointing" have my best interests at heart? If they do, and they are told what is going on for me, will they really be upset that I need to pull back for a bit? Or will they understand?

I had a conversation on Friday with a HR person at work about my need to take time off work on sick leave, and not being sure how to inform my boss of this especially as I did not know how many months it would be. Naturally I thought HR might be a bit resistant to the idea because of course it costs to have staff absent from work. But actually the person was really really glad to hear I was choosing to take time off work and putting my recovery first. They've known of my situation for 6 months, so I guess they know its not a flippant decision I'm making or the first thing I have tried. It was so relieiving to talk to them and know that I have their support in taking time off and that above everything else they did have my best interests at heart.

I wonder whether any of the people in your life that it might affect may respond in a similar way? 🤔. (I hope for you that they would, that they truely care about you and your wellbeing and support you. 💜 But whatever the outcome, I/we are here for you).

In response to: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work


@NightFury wrote:

All the things are important. All the things either let someone else down, disappoint someone else, or lead to consequences if they're not done. It's hard.


I could have a much bigger conversation with you about 'letting others down' and how I used to automatically assume that's what I was doing... I have learned that 9/10 times I actually wasn't disappointing people, I was just assuming I would (I could also write a whole dang essay about assumptions and anxiety 😅). And in fact, most of the time when expressing my need for rest or respite, the person is more than happy to accommodate me.

I don't know your exact circumstances of course, so it's possible I'm making assumptions now... but here's the other thing. It's okay to disappoint people! It's kinda inevitable, cos as human beings there are always going to be times when we have conflicting needs. But let's say I let my friend down by cancelling plans, then explain to them that it's because I'm burnt out and need rest. My friend might be disappointed to not see me, but they'd be glad I was looking after myself. And they'd get over it, and not hold it against me. If they did, they would not be my friend for much longer.

Yeah tapping is really cool! Been meaning to get back into it too, ty for the reminder - you and @AuntGlow hehe 😊

In response to: Re: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

@AlwaysMyself I think you put it better than I did haha ty for taking the time to write that up, it's great 💜

In response to: Re: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

@AlwaysMyself well done on having a conversation with HR. That would have taken a lot of courage and I'm glad they were supportive of you.

One space where I would like to take the pressure off of myself is the commitment I made with a friend/work colleague to go to the gym three mornings a week before work. I do enjoy it, and I enjoy spending time with them. I also think it has a positive impact on my mental health for the short term, but it also feels like it's too much on my body with everything else I've got going on. It requires extra preparation to make sure I'm ready for the work day and it's really hard for me to find and maintain the motivation to go. I've now been sick twice since starting back at the gym and it's only been a month...so I question whether I'm pushing it a little too hard at the moment for a moment of connection. Because that's what it's about for me...connection with a friend and wanting to set something up for when I'm not working in the same work place, something that helps me to maintain that connection.

But I don't know how to talk to her about it.

I also want to take the pressure off by only going to lawn bowld training once a week instead of two. At the moment, I go twice a week and play on Saturdays. I would love to reduce that to training once a week and a game on Saturdays.

@Jynx thank you for talking through this with me. I think it's the first time someone has ever said to me, "it's okay to disappoint people." I feel like that challenges some part of me that always has to be perfect, always has to put others first and is terrified of being a disappointment.

In response to: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

Hello lovely! How are you? @NightFury 💛

How is your medication sitting with you after a few days of taking it? I am sure the anxious feeling was very overwhelming...

How wonderful that you were able to give so much to your interview! What are your thoughts/feelings after the experience?

And how was your weekend overall? Did you do anything just for you? 🥰

In response to: Re: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

Hello @AuntGlow it's good to see you.

The medication is sitting okay - it feels kind of odd, in that my brain is calmer and I'm not used to that feeling. I think it's messing with my belly a little and have some tummy upsets and have lost my apetite a little.

It's hard to tell because I'm sick again.

My thoughts and feeling after the interview - I worry about my capacity to do the job. It's one with big responsibility, making big decisions regarding people's lives and I worry about whether I have what it takes.

Over the weekend, I played lawn bowls, did some house work and cooked my parents dinner. I tried to go slow and pace myself because of the fact that I'm unwell.

I am struggling. I've lost my...my little bit of oomph.

I hope you're well?

In response to: Re: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

Good to see you too @NightFury 🫶

I understand that feeling... will you connect with your GP to let them know what's coming up for you?

Oh no! You poor thing. I can only imagine how exhausted you must be feeling.

From an outside perspective, I absolutely believe you have what it takes, it will just stretch your comfort zone a bit and it may feel a little scary at first (which is part of trying something new!) And in those moments, it's okay to ask for help - you're allowed to need support. 💖

How was lawn bowls and family time for you?

Could the lost oomph, just be that you're unwell, processing a lot of change/stimulation, and adjusting to medication?

I am doing much better now that I have finished my last assessment for the trimester... uni is hard!!

In response to: Re: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

I don't know if I'll talk to my GP @AuntGlow maybe.

Thank you for saying that you believe I have what it takes. Being vulnerable and asking for help and feeling ashamed and embarrassed that I don't know what to do, or that I need help is hard for me. It makes me feel so awkward and unsure of myself.

Lawn bowls was okay. I felt really ill, but I also enjoyed the connection and we won, which is a bonus. Family time was...it was kind of complex. My brother chose not to invite my parents to an event, and told me not to tell them about it. Last night, my Dad asked me about whether I'd been invited and I don't like to lie to people, so I told them that yes I had and I could tell that it hurt them. There's a lot of strain in the family at the moment - between my parents, my brother and his wife and I'm kind of in the middle of it. I also asked them around to talk about me being referred for an ADHD diagnosis, because I'd heard that my parents needed to fill out some paper work for that. My parents know nothing about what's going on for me. But...I didn't talk to them, because...it's hard and triggering and I really don't want them to know because anything that leaves me vulnerable around them is triggering. I was just super aware of that and it made it hard to make conversation.

The lost oomph, if I'm more specific feels like...questioning my capacity to do this. I'm exhausted, burnt out, unwell and nearly unemployed (in 3 weeks). Staying positive is hard. I'm sorry of me acknowledging that here breaks the guidelines.

Uni is hard. Well done on finishing it. I'm proud of you.

In response to: Re: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

@NightFury lawns bowls and gym sound like good targets for reduction. With regard to gym and friend, i wonder whether meeting them for a social coffee at the end of their gym practice would be a good substitution whilst you're feeling burnt out and tired? Still keeps the social connection, and when you feel up to it you could reintroduce doing gym with them once a week (or more as you feel up to it)?

Ive sometimes done that with friends when im too tired to do a walk with them but still want to see them - meet them post-walk nearby.

I hope your body continues to adjust to the new medication. Fingers crossed the feeling ill is not related and/or passes quick.

Sorry you're unwell again 😞 . I know for myself when i am physically exhausted and burntout i am so much more succeptible to a cold/flu catching hold and not fighting it off as quickly. Resting definitely helps my body. I spent 3 days laying in bed a few weeks ago to fight off a cold as quick as i could - and it worked! I wasnt 100% better but i was well enough to do what i needed to do later that week.

I think you are facing so many different sources of stress right now, and i'm really encouraged by your resilience to face these things whilst also recognising your limits and seeking support/advice to balance the competing demands. 🥰

In response to: Re: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

@NightFury i personally dont feel questioning your capacity breaks the guidelines. I think its just being honest about how you *feel*. It doesnt mean youre giving up or not also focused on recovery and making it through! Both can exist i reckon 🙂

Oh and work-wise, someone once told me not to worry about whether i am capable of the job if someone selects me from an interview for a job. Im like you - i would feel out of my depth! But the fact they select a person means they believe the person can -- theyve seen something that gives them confidence. I know of SO MANY times when a recruitment round DOESNT pick ANYONE because they didnt think anyone had quite what they needed.

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