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Talking through trauma and PTSD

Acceptance is hard work

Acceptance is hard work

Before I start, I just want to say…that I don’t feel comfortable in this space. It’s hard to be in the trauma and PTSD forum, but for me at the moment, I’m working through a level of acceptance.

I don’t have a diagnosis, I’ve never spoken to or seen a counsellor, or received any kind of mental health support. I have a very good friend who works in a healing space and has seen and experienced the impact my mental health and my triggers has on me. She has a lived experience of CPTSD and she knows a little of my story. She has helped me with resources and just by being a wonderful safe space for me to talk about what I’m experiencing. She suggested that perhaps, I could be experiencing the symptoms of CPTSD.

I completed a self-referral for the guided recovery program and have started that process. It has me straddling the line of acceptance. I have always had “anxiety” and have experienced panic attacks and flash backs and all of those good things. My first memories of my anxiety was when I was a teenager. But now, I accept that it isn’t entirely accurate.

My brain’s blocked out some of my memories of what happened to me. Logically, I know that it happened, but it was as if…if I couldn’t remember it all, then maybe I could live with doubt and maybe that doubt was permission to say…”you know what? Maybe It’s not real.” And if it didn’t really happen, then I don’t have CPTSD.

I will also acknowledge that I have been fairly avoidant with seeking help for a number of reasons, but one of those reasons is because I don’t want to talk about/acknowledge that what happened, actually happened.

I’m in a space at the moment where I know that the first step for me is actually owning it and accepting it. But, that makes me feel very vulnerable, and the acceptance feels “slippery,” I can’t quite wrap my head around it, as if a part of me is protecting me from it, if that makes sense.

Last year, a friend (who is no longer a friend) told me in an argument that I use my anxiety “as an excuse” and maybe she’s right - but not in the context she meant it. I’ve used my anxiety as an excuse not to acknowledge that there’s something else behind it. Is acceptance something that you let happen organically as you move through life, and counselling and all the processes? Or is this something that you push yourself through, knowing that it’s an important step? How do you work through this process of arriving at acceptance on multiple levels?

@Jynx @rav3n @tyme and I don’t know who else to tag, I’m sorry.

3920 replies

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In response to: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

I can relate @Jynx

I just...I feel like I keep apologising for being me. I'm sorry I'm so awkward, I'm sorry I have emotions, I'm sorry for not agreeing with you...that kind of stuff.

I feel like I'm too much, too sensitive, too emotional, too broken, etc. I assume a lot of responsibility for things going wrong - friendships breaking, tension, and arguments...it's always my fault because I'm too "something."

That first meme does hit hard. It literally caused a physical reaction in my body. My heart sunk, I think.

Replacing the sorry with a thank you feels okay with me. Did it take time to shift?

In response to: Re: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

@NightFury I am with you hun. First to answer your last question - yeah, it took time! It's a process of learning to notice when you're doing it (but not immediately shaming yourself when you do notice), and over time, I would start correcting myself slowly - either by shifting to a 'thank you', or simply re-stating what I'd said in a more assertive way. But like any skill, it takes time and repetition.

I also wanted to share with you a beautiful poem, one that was an enormous comfort to me when I also thought of myself as being 'too much'. It's called 'I am a Too Much Woman' by EvYan Whitney ~

I hope it is a comfort for you too, to know that there's many of us 'too much' folks around, and for the right people, our 'too much' is actually 'just right'. Never dull your sparkle my dear, the world is better for it ✨

In response to: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

Hey lovely!

I can see you have been talking to @Jynx about everything and I think they are absolutely on the money with their reflections. Oh, also, I am a MASSIVE serial apologiser too. 😂

I tend to apologise whenever I feel like I haven't given enough time/space to the other person or been the most open, regulated, considerate, 'kind'/giving, version of myself. Because that is who I always aim to be, but sometimes I don't have the space to be the 'best' version of me... and I think there is some shame around that?

This actually all ties into my intention setting for this week, so please go and check it out. 💅 @NightFury @Jynx

Anyway, I can understand why ADHD and OCD would feel right for you, and I think taking your time to explore both is a really good idea. @NightFury

Yes, I totally hear you on the being misunderstood front. And when we have a core wound like this, it can be so painful to sit in a space that creates that feeling. Would you feel comfortable sharing with your psychologist that this feeling of being misunderstood is coming up for you? I actually think this could be helpful in creating a little more connection/a feeling of being seen. When it comes to finding the words, what you have shared is perfect.

I get why this would feel vulnerable... have you booked with your GP or will you wait a bit?
We are so similar, it always makes me smile. I get you.

I would 100% be the same in a health situation (I tend to avoid numbing at the dentist for this reason!) Not being in control scares me SO much. You are allowed to know what is happening - and you will.

What is on the cards for this week? 💛

In response to: Re: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

Hi @AuntGlow

How's your weekend been?

I've had a read through your intention for the week. I don't know. I didn't meet my own promises to myself this week, at least not very well.

I could share with her that the feeling of being misunderstood is coming up for me. I haven't rebooked with her yet, so I'm not sure when our next appointment is.

I've booked an appointment with my GP for Wednesday after work. A couple of days have passed and I still don't want to go, but I did make the appointment at least. I've also sent an email to my psychologist requesting a copy of the letter she sent to my GP.

I've had a really down weekend. I cried at work on Friday, and needed to withdraw to a quiet place at work, to give myself some space. I went to a teacher meeting and it was all about plans for next year and it just...brought up lots of emotions that were pretty overwhelming. Yesterday, I went to the movies by myself to see Wicked: For Good and I was just really heavy and fighting exhaustion and rumination. Today, I feel less exhausted and have some bounce back.

I have a busy week coming up. I have work. On Monday I have an appointment with my EAP counsellor, on Tuesday I have bowls training, on Wednesday I have my GP appointment and on Thursday after work I have a job interview.

In response to: Re: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

It's been very busy, I was working my other job too - but I will have from 6pm off tonight to go see some friends perform, which I am excited for! @NightFury

It's okay, I know you would have tried your best and that's all these intentions are about. 🫶

Good on you!! That's something to be really proud of, because I know it feels quite vulnerable for you right now.

Oh, of course it would have been overwhelming... there's so much uncertainty, and of course, grief attached to this change. Have you talked with your colleague a little more about how you're feeling?

Ahhh, I have't seen it yet, but I KNOW I am going to be a crying mess. Aside from things being a bit overwhelming... did you enjoy it? 🥹

ooh, yes, definitely a busy week! I am glad you will be speaking with your EAP - can you chat to her about everything you have shared with us?

In response to: Re: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

I'm glad you've taken some time to do something that gives you joy after a busy weekend @AuntGlow.

My GP appointment, talking to my GP about medication for OCD, a medication review in general, and just talking about how I'm doing is feeling really vulnerable and I don't really understand why. I'm not trying to be difficult...

My colleague wasn't at work from Tuesday this week. She's been interstate. So, I haven't spoken to her about how I'm feeling lately and she wasn't there on Friday when it all come up.

I enjoyed it! Not as much as the first one though. I did watch the first three times at the movies because I absolutely loved it. But, when you look at it as a full story and not as two parts, it's amazing! I got teary @AuntGlow

I can try and talk to her about what I've shared here. I probably need to. I'm just very aware that this will be our last appointment (you only get 3 EAP appointments) so...how much of me do I put into it?

In response to: Re: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

Hi @Jynx I'm sorry I didn't get to this last night.

I've just been going through it...

I have a bit of my bounce back today

I think I need to start with the noticing when I'm doing it, or when I'm feeling like I need to do it. It's actually coming up right now - I want to apologise to another member here for being withdrawn while I struggle away with emotions and exhaustion and finding communication hard.

Thank you for sharing the poem. It's powerful!

I asked my psychologist last week - how do you manage burn out when you're already in it? And she talked about making smart choice about conserving my energy. Do you know a little something about neurodivergent burn out and how to manage it while you're in it?

In response to: Re: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

@NightFury Your gentle reminder that there's no time frame expectations for responding - you could take a week to respond and it wouldn't bother me one bit. I also have time constraints to work to, which means gaps between my responses, especially lengthy ones, are inevitable anyway. You're so fine 💜

Do you want me to start gently pointing out moments where I feel like your apology is not needed/gives that 'sorry for existing' vibe? If the thought of me doing so feels like it could bring up feelings of shame or anything, that is so legit - but if you think it would be helpful, I'm more than happy to let you know. It helped me to have it pointed out, but (especially at first) it could be super uncomfortable because guess what my instinctual response was?

"Hey Jynx you're doing the apologising thing again."

"Oh crap. I'm sorry! No wait...."

😅

You could always draft a little message to practice saying thank you instead? Sometimes I feel like the forums are the perfect place to practice things like this, because the community is so kind and accepting and most of us totally get it.

Like, "I really appreciate the care that has gone into this message, and I want to give the same care back but right now, communication is hard. I will reconnect/reply when I feel like I can give you a proper response. Thanks for being patient with me/thanks for reaching out/(whatever feels most natural for you to express)".

Heck, you could even say you're practising saying thank you instead of apologising, because like, idk for me it feels easier to 'make mistakes' if the person already knows it's a new thing for me. Then we get to share recovery skills too!

Glad you liked 😁

Well for starters, ND and especially autistic burnout are distinct from regular burnout (workplace, depression, etc), I believe largely due to the added complexity of our sensory sensitivities and the added layers of exhaustion from masking. I rustled up some info on it - here. But also this would make for a really amazing forums discussion topic! I give you first dibs on starting the thread, but since I know stuff is heavy for you right now I am also happy to kick one off next weekend. Up to you!

Last one, and I won't share a link cos I don't wanna overwhelm you, this is completely optional but have you heard of the "Seven Types of Rest" tedtalk? If not, it helped me immensely whilst struggling in burnout, so could be worth the youtube rabbithole if you have the energy to be taking in any more new info 😋💜

In response to: Re: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

@NightFury I'm so glad for the questions you have asked/discussed with @Jynx on both the apologising and the burnout topics. I was very interested to read the answers (thank you @Jynx !). 😊 I hope you don't mind that I read along occasionally when I have time to, even when tagged. If you do mind - just let me know and I won't. But I find it good for two reasons: I learn more without them having to repeat it again, and I also get a bit more understanding in what life is currently like for you and then hopefully how I can best help support you socially here too. 😊

If you wish to use me as a test-dummy for not-saying-sorry you are totally welcome to. 😊 I'm going to keep in mind the idea of changing it to "thank you" also. I'm not a "serial" apologiser, but inwardly I am sometimes aware/concerned about 'taking up people's time/space' - and on reflection I notice that I am a serial thanker 😅. I am known to write email/card or maybe a token gift (anything from chocolate to a roll of "Who Gives a Crap" toilet paper lol) to people who I have really appreciated the support from (because I want to show gratitude and that I don't take it for granted). I wonder what the remedy is for being a serial-thanker 🤔🤣

In response to: Re: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

@Jynx I would like you to start point those moments out to me, if you're up for it? I trust you and know that you will do so with the very best intentions. Be forewarned, it will probably take me some time to not apologise for apologising. But, I do need some support/help in practicing being aware of them. The forums feel like a good place to start.

I can start a thread about nueorodivergence burnout. I would really like to share and get people's perspective and experiences with it. I can't guarantee that I can keep it active at the moment, but I can start it.

I haven't heard of the 'seven types of rest' TED talk, but I'll look it up. My brain is liking accessing info via podcasts etc at the moment. It feels much easier than reading it.

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