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Talking through trauma and PTSD

Acceptance is hard work

Acceptance is hard work

Before I start, I just want to say…that I don’t feel comfortable in this space. It’s hard to be in the trauma and PTSD forum, but for me at the moment, I’m working through a level of acceptance.

I don’t have a diagnosis, I’ve never spoken to or seen a counsellor, or received any kind of mental health support. I have a very good friend who works in a healing space and has seen and experienced the impact my mental health and my triggers has on me. She has a lived experience of CPTSD and she knows a little of my story. She has helped me with resources and just by being a wonderful safe space for me to talk about what I’m experiencing. She suggested that perhaps, I could be experiencing the symptoms of CPTSD.

I completed a self-referral for the guided recovery program and have started that process. It has me straddling the line of acceptance. I have always had “anxiety” and have experienced panic attacks and flash backs and all of those good things. My first memories of my anxiety was when I was a teenager. But now, I accept that it isn’t entirely accurate.

My brain’s blocked out some of my memories of what happened to me. Logically, I know that it happened, but it was as if…if I couldn’t remember it all, then maybe I could live with doubt and maybe that doubt was permission to say…”you know what? Maybe It’s not real.” And if it didn’t really happen, then I don’t have CPTSD.

I will also acknowledge that I have been fairly avoidant with seeking help for a number of reasons, but one of those reasons is because I don’t want to talk about/acknowledge that what happened, actually happened.

I’m in a space at the moment where I know that the first step for me is actually owning it and accepting it. But, that makes me feel very vulnerable, and the acceptance feels “slippery,” I can’t quite wrap my head around it, as if a part of me is protecting me from it, if that makes sense.

Last year, a friend (who is no longer a friend) told me in an argument that I use my anxiety “as an excuse” and maybe she’s right - but not in the context she meant it. I’ve used my anxiety as an excuse not to acknowledge that there’s something else behind it. Is acceptance something that you let happen organically as you move through life, and counselling and all the processes? Or is this something that you push yourself through, knowing that it’s an important step? How do you work through this process of arriving at acceptance on multiple levels?

@Jynx @rav3n @tyme and I don’t know who else to tag, I’m sorry.

3920 replies

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In response to: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

@NightFury my support button isnt working right now, but wanted to let you know I am reading along and support your thoughts re: OCD, medication review, etc. I don't having anything to add that Tyme and Aunt Glow haven't already said but I think their advice and perspective is good. 😊

I don't think you are being difficult or unreasonable for wanting to find a medication that BOTH works and doesn't have bad side effects. I think that should be "normal" for any medical condition! 😊🥰

Hope today treats you well.

In response to: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

Did you know that doubting whether you have OCD and ruminating on that is also a sign of OCD? hahaha @NightFury

I want you to know that whatever happens and wherever this goes, you've got us. @tyme @Jynx @MissGremlin

And we are here with you, to support and encourage you to find what feels right for you.

I can absolutely hear how important having this knowledge and understanding is for you, and I completely understand why - knowledge is empowering. Overall, it seems like the need to be heard was missing in this interaction, and that this might have been the core trigger here; being dismissed?

Feeling misunderstood and like you couldn't find your voice would have felt really disheartening... what would you say to her now, if you could?

I really love that you're able to identify why this medication is better for you overall, and it sounds like connecting with yourself is much more important than feeling numb. And I want you to know you have agency here. You're allowed to say no, I don't want to explore that right now. There so many other things you can do to support OCD and ADHD. 💛

The need for control and understanding is valid. I would encourage you to ask for the referral letter, if that will help to ease some anxiety and gain some clarity. Though, it must be confusing not knowing if you can trust her to advocate for your needs... could that be because you're not feeling an energetic connection with her?

In response to: Re: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

@NightFury as someone who has OCD and also harm OCD i can understand very well your thoughts and feelings around this. As @AuntGlow said you will always have us no matter what.

Hugs my beautiful friend ❤️

In response to: Re: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

Hi @AuntGlow

I didn't know that, no, but there's been lots of ruminating about it since my appointment.

I didn't know that the process of diagnosis was going to feel so...uncertain, and vulnerable and have as much impact on me. The thing is...both ADHD and OCD feel right for me.

Feeling dismissed, feeling as if my voice wasn't being heard was probably the core trigger here, yes.

I don't like feeling misunderstood. I feel as if I've been misunderstood my whole life. Even my own family make me feel misunderstood. It makes me feel so very different and isolated and invisible to people.

I would speak up and say...actually, I relate to both ADHD and OCD. I would like to be able to properly explain what happens for me, my own experience, but I don't have the words.

I got a message from my GP today, she wants me to make an appointment to discuss non-urgent matters in relation to communication received. I made the appointment, but instantly was like..."I don't want to talk about it." It feels so vulnerable.

I don't know what it is @AuntGlow I have a thing. I have been known to refuse medical treatment because it's put me in a position where I feel vulnerable and as if I don't have control. Like...I had to be sitting up, watching as the gp removed my melanoma. I refused to lay down where I couldn't see and wasn't aware of what was happening to me. This is kind of similar...if it relates to me, and it makes me feel a certain way, then I want to know about it.

It's the same with these job rejections - it's really doing my head in trying to figure out why I'm being rejected from the jobs I apply for. Don't just reject me, explain to me why and give me a reason that mitigates the whole, "I'm not enough," thought process. Give me logic, and explanation, and feedback that helps me move forward.

Like with the Heamochromotisis tests I was having...I needed to know what the tests were, watch them happening to me, research the illness, look at the results before seeing my doctor and research what the results meant. My GP joked that I didn't need her.

I'm the kind of person whose brain needs...information, whose brain needs to understand everything that's happening to me and around me.

I don't know how to explain it. I hope it makes sense.

In response to: Re: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

Thank you @MissGremlin

Hugs, my friend. ❤️

In response to: Re: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

@NightFury you're so welcome sweet.

Thankyou beautiful ❤️.

In response to: Re: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

Hey @NightFury - couple of thoughts, firstly that one of the things about getting diagnosed with ADHD is that they have to 'rule out' other diagnoses first, to ensure the ADHD 'symptoms' aren't actually a result of another disorder. ADHD (and ASD) are 'developmental disorders' aka they are present from birth/childhood. It doesn't mean you don't have both, it might just mean they want to determine whether the OCD could account for your experiences. If you have felt like your ADHD symptoms have been present for like... your whole life, or at least from a young age, I'd say that's worth mentioning to your treating team.

To complicate things further, I have a couple friends who were late-diagnosed with ADHD who had basically developed OCD as a way of coping with/masking ADHD symptoms - for example one of them became obsessive about scheduling and organising his time to the minute, as a way of coping with ADHD time-blindness. The ADHD went under the radar for years because his treating team were so focused on the OCD.

I'm not saying you definitely have one or both or anything, or that this is for sure what's going on for you, just sharing some info that might be reassuring/help you figure out what might be going on.

Also, did you wanna chat about the 'serial apologiser' thing at all today? Totally cool if you're already feeling a bit fragile, we can definitely save it for another day 😊

In response to: Re: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

Hi @Jynx thank you for giving me another perspective on the ADHD/OCD diagnosis. It sounds and feels very complex.

What's your experience of being a 'serial apologiser'?

In response to: Re: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

very interesting @Jynx , @NightFury

my 4 adult step children now have different degrees of ADHD

the youngest 2 have a lot more ADHD and now see ASD in them like their dad

In response to: Re: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

You're welcome @NightFury - hope it didn't overwhelm you cos... yeah, we're complex little beans, we humans!

So my serial-apologising started pretty young, and it was linked strongly with how I perceived myself. I always felt like I was 'too much' - too loud, too weird, too enthusiastic, too easily upset, too desperate. So I always felt like I was like... inflicting myself onto others, I guess? As though just my presence alone was enough to cause inconvenience or distress.

So I'd end up preemptively apologising for - in essence, just taking up space. Like, "Sorry to ask, but..." "Sorry to be annoying..." "Sorry I know I'm rambling..."

I remember when I first saw this meme, it hit me like a truck:

I was lucky to have a therapist who picked up on it and helped me to not only recognise it, but also gave me an alternative - replace your 'sorry' with 'thank you'. Learning to recognise it was about figuring out - am I apologising for actual wrongful behaviour, or am I apologising just for existing? It can help to ask ourselves, 'What exactly am I sorry for?'

Here's a bunch of examples of shifting from 'sorry' to 'thank you'!

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