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Talking through trauma and PTSD

Acceptance is hard work

Acceptance is hard work

Before I start, I just want to say…that I don’t feel comfortable in this space. It’s hard to be in the trauma and PTSD forum, but for me at the moment, I’m working through a level of acceptance.

I don’t have a diagnosis, I’ve never spoken to or seen a counsellor, or received any kind of mental health support. I have a very good friend who works in a healing space and has seen and experienced the impact my mental health and my triggers has on me. She has a lived experience of CPTSD and she knows a little of my story. She has helped me with resources and just by being a wonderful safe space for me to talk about what I’m experiencing. She suggested that perhaps, I could be experiencing the symptoms of CPTSD.

I completed a self-referral for the guided recovery program and have started that process. It has me straddling the line of acceptance. I have always had “anxiety” and have experienced panic attacks and flash backs and all of those good things. My first memories of my anxiety was when I was a teenager. But now, I accept that it isn’t entirely accurate.

My brain’s blocked out some of my memories of what happened to me. Logically, I know that it happened, but it was as if…if I couldn’t remember it all, then maybe I could live with doubt and maybe that doubt was permission to say…”you know what? Maybe It’s not real.” And if it didn’t really happen, then I don’t have CPTSD.

I will also acknowledge that I have been fairly avoidant with seeking help for a number of reasons, but one of those reasons is because I don’t want to talk about/acknowledge that what happened, actually happened.

I’m in a space at the moment where I know that the first step for me is actually owning it and accepting it. But, that makes me feel very vulnerable, and the acceptance feels “slippery,” I can’t quite wrap my head around it, as if a part of me is protecting me from it, if that makes sense.

Last year, a friend (who is no longer a friend) told me in an argument that I use my anxiety “as an excuse” and maybe she’s right - but not in the context she meant it. I’ve used my anxiety as an excuse not to acknowledge that there’s something else behind it. Is acceptance something that you let happen organically as you move through life, and counselling and all the processes? Or is this something that you push yourself through, knowing that it’s an important step? How do you work through this process of arriving at acceptance on multiple levels?

@Jynx @rav3n @tyme and I don’t know who else to tag, I’m sorry.

3920 replies

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In response to: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

@NightFury totally hun - and nice one expressing that boundary to me. Good on you for honouring your needs 😊

My therapist calls this process 're-lensing', i.e. looking at your life and your past through a whole new lens of understanding. It's a process too, so it's okay if it takes you a while. Even after a couple of years of having my ADHD diagnosis I was STILL discovering stuff that made me go 'huh... so that's why I've always done that!' Looking forward to doing so all over again with ASD, as I also had to do with realising I'm genderqueer and demisexual 😅

I think it depends on who you're disclosing to - any therapist or MH worker who is judgey or makes you feel ashamed is probably not the right fit. Finding someone who is neuro-affirming is a good start, and in my experience it can help to find a ND therapist, though it's definitely not essential. Shared experience can help though.

Then once you are feeling safe with someone, i.e. they've helped demonstrate to your nervous system (through words and actions) that they won't judge or shame you, you can start to divulge more.

I think it helps to start with smaller shames/insecurities; 'test the waters', if you like. Once you do it, and get a positive response rather than negative (i.e. acceptance rather than ridicule), it reinforces that being vulnerable is not always going to result in shame and rejection. Then, it's like any skill - at least in my experience - in that the more you do it, the easier it gets.

Also, once you get more comfortable opening up to one person, you can start opening up to others. Then even if you experience a rejection or a judgey person in the future, you can already reassure yourself that not everyone will react that way.

Oh heck, lost track of time - to the surprise of absolutely no one I'm sure 🤣

Night hun, maybe catch you tomorrow 💜

In response to: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

Hello @NightFury,

How are you today? 💖

I just logged on, so getting to your messages now!

Re:


@NightFury wrote:

I do have an inner rebel @AuntGlow but she's lost her confidence. She's made some decisions that haven't worked out for her and have been hard for her and now she's kind of lost her spark a little.

It feels good. There are things that I'm worried about, but it felt right.

Journalling felt a little weird after a long time, and more thoughts have come up around my psychologist and the appointment I had yesterday.


I completely understand what that feels like... perhaps you could make some time to explore where she lives in your body? This coming week, could you practice noticing when she is there, even a little bit? Or even journal about when you've noticed her pop up in the past? There's so much wisdom in our fiery selves. ❤️‍🔥

Ah, I am sure that 'right' is a welcome feeling for you at the moment.

I am glad you gave yourself the space to journal and reflect. How is everything sitting with you today? 🥰

In response to: Re: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

Hi @AuntGlow

I'm not too bad.

That sounds like it could actually be a little bit fun. I appreciate my inner rebel. I don't let her out often because she can be a fire cracker, and I don't really like the way others react...she makes me afraid of doing and saying the wrong thing, or something that will upset others.

I've journalled a few times this week.

I had a big spiral. I tagged you in a post that I talked through with Jynx on Friday, just because I think I'd like you to know. This same thing has come up a little today - in the back of my mind.

Can we chat about that? And about my psychologist? If and when you have some time? Please.

In response to: Re: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

Not too bad is... not too bad! @NightFury 😜

Oh gosh - you sound exactly like me hahaha I think that's why I understand what cogs are turning in your brain when you share certain things with me.

I find that a protective part of me sometimes steps in to ensure I am being more 'socially acceptable or palatable'. But man, I personally like my inner rebel MORE, she has so much personality, is brave, commanding, and unafraid to take up space. What do you like about your inner rebel? And what could you do to bring her out for some stage time this week?

Good on you for journaling, I absolutely need to do the same.

And yes, I read that. It sounds like it was a really vulnerable day for you... I don't think you are inconsequential at all. 🥰

Of course we can chat! I am here for another 30 minutes or so, what's coming up for you? 🫶

In response to: Re: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

My inner rebel @AuntGlow she's unafraid and confident and stands up for herself. She feels powerful.

The inconsequential thing is still coming up, still playing in the back of my mind.

I'm...I'm frustrated with my psychologist. I feel like...she's all business and no connection. I don't feel an emotional connection. I feel...I don't know. I don't know how to say it. She gives me information and tells me what I need, but doesn't give me strategies to help, or things that I can try.

And...and I felt really vulnerable sharing my thoughts and experiences around OCD and she told me that, it's not severe because I don't spend hours on compulsions...but...I think maybe, a lot of it is thoughts and spirals and...things that are happening in my head. Which, I do spend hours on...days on.

In response to: Re: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

I LOVE this. Let's come back to her tomorrow. @NightFury

That's completely understandable. What do you think the part of you that feels inconsequential may need right now?

Gosh, that would make trust and vulnerability quite hard... I wonder if you could share that you're needing more strategies?

I can imagine that would have been very invalidating for you to hear. I think, sometimes, professionals can assess things clinically and go "okay it's not severe technically", but can forget that experientially, it can feel like torture for the person - especially where mental compulsions are present.

How long would you feel comfortable seeing if things shift with her? 💛

In response to: Re: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

Just wanted to let you know that I've read this @AuntGlow thank you for your reply.

It's stirred up some tears and some emotions so, I'm going to step away and come back to it tomorrow. I should be heading to bed anyway.

In response to: Re: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

hi @NightFury i had similar issues with my therapist - felt she gave me too intrusive advice, like how often to shower or what food to eat - it felt really triggering like being a child. I guess she was probably trying to reassure you re the OCD, and make you feel like it was manageable - but I don't make excuses, the feeling has to be there - that they are on your side, and caring. Empathy is everything.

In response to: Re: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

The part of me who feels inconsequential needs evidence to the contrary, it needs to feel cared about @AuntGlow

I need to give it a go with her. She's the second psychologist I've tried and I need some consistency. I don't want to start again with another psychologist. So, I have to make it work.

Thank you for sharing @EternalFlower it makes me feel less alone in that others have experienced similar. I guess my issue is...that I need to feel connection in order to fully trust someone. And at the moment, I really need to feel supported.

In response to: Re: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

@NightFury - tell me to butt out if you don't want me responding when I read something that I have thoughts about; I wouldn't take it offensively (I give you permission to). 😊

I think I understand that feeling of 'inconsequential' and the desire for evidence to the contrary, and to feel cared for. I think that is a very natural feeling/thought. *hugs*

I wonder what is "important" (consequential) to you?

e.g. Having a family? Emotionally supporting friends? Volunteering for a cause you believe in? Having wealth and social or political power?

How would you like to see/experience care from others?

What actions do you perceive as signs that someone cares for you? (whether or not you have seen them applied to yourself or to others, or not seen but would still think it shows care).

For everyone these things can be very different, which is why I wonder if thinking about this can help both you (know what you seek) and us (know how to best show our level of care) and others in your life to know how to best express their care in a meaningful way. 😍

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