Acceptance is hard work

Hi @AuntGlow

Today has been better. I still feel...kind of sensitive and a little off, but things haven't been as heavy today and I haven't been as scattered or as dysregulated. Yesterday was horrible. I don't know, but those big, heavy, hard days seem to be getting harder and getting worse.

How are you?

I really hear you on this @NightFury 💛

What could be making these moments feel more frequent/present for you?

Conversely, what is helping today feel a little lighter? 😍

I am VERY premenstrual hahahaha

I don't know @AuntGlow I think it's probably a combination of things making them feel more frequent/present. Maybe it's more to do with awareness now? Maybe I'm more aware of them? Or maybe it's just that I've had a lot going on? And a lot of ir is still ongoing.

Yesterday I fought it, and got frustrated with myself and fought it more. I put a lot of pressure on myself to "make my brain focus and function." I think it made it worse. I don't know how not to when I have to work, to take care of others and I have others relying on me.

Today...

I got my results for my final assignment. I got a distinction, which means I passed my Grad Cert.

My car was checked by a mechanic and it was deemed nothing too serious or expensive

I took a small moment to myself today when I got home from work. I made a coffee and took it outside to sit in the sun, on the grass with Luna.

I've also tried really hard to keep myself regulated. It's not working so well tonight because I can feel the anxiety rise, but just reminding myself...to take it easy on myself, to listen to what I need, to carve out some time for me, to slow it down.

I didn't go to bowls training tonight because...because I just needed to slow it down for a bit, instead of putting pressure on myself to meet my commitments and other people's expectations.

I'm sorry to hear you're premenstrual. That can be a tough roller coaster ride of emotions.

Good afternoon @NightFury 💛

I think it could very well be an amalgamation of the above. I have noticed the same with myself as my awareness has grown. I think this gives you an opportunity to practice self-soothing and compassion when it comes up, just to see if that helps with rewiring some of these responses. I know this is so much easier said than done though. 🫶

Gah, I feel this SO much. I wonder if surrendering to the fact your capacity has lessened in those moments and allowing yourself to show up at 50% instead of 100% could be helpful?

YAY! You should be so bloody proud of yourself - that is such a huge achievement. How can you celebrate your hard work?

Great news about the mechanic too.

Coffee, sun, nature, and Luna sound very grounding.

I think this is a really lovely approach, you're doing so much better than you think you are. @NightFury

Knowing what you need to do for yourself moment to moment is key, and saying no to support your own wellbeing is more than allowed. 🥰

I feel so powerless on those days though @AuntGlow. And that's when I get frustrated, because I can't pull myself out of it, or force myself to regulate and to feel okay. I think that's one of the areas I out so much pressure on myself and end up making it worse when I can't "fix" it or "force" it.

I think I need to learn how to do that - how to surrender to the fact that my capacity is reduced and kind of give myself permission to be in that space and to show up how I am, instead of how I want to, or expect myself to show up.

I haven't decided how I'm going to celebrate yet! I know that I should do something...but I don't know what yet.

As you've seen over on Dreamy's thread, I have an appointment with my psychologist in a couple of minutes and I'm so very nervous.

Hey @NightFury,

How did your session with your psychologist go? 🥰

I understand what you mean... it can be all-consuming, can't it? It might help to take yourself out of the experience by saying to yourself, "my nervous system is reacting the only way it knows how to right now - how can I explore something different in this moment?" I am curious to see if this creates more space for you.

Hmm, could you celebrate with your lovely Scottish friend?! 🤩

I'm processing the session @AuntGlow.

I scored highly on the screeners for neurodivergence, and she is writing a letter to my GP recommending diagnosis and meds.

We talked about the break in a little.

We talked about OCD. She had me fill out a screener for that, but she sent me through some resources and referref to it as "my OCD." We talked about how it could be underpinned by a fear of making a mistake and getting into trouble. We talked about "checking" behaviours and how it's a reassurance thing. She asked me if reassurance from others helps to alleviate the symptoms and anxious thoughts and I said no, not really. It's like...my brain doesn't believe or trust other people so it needs to check and only then it gets that reassurance. She talked about how I need to learn how to reassure myself without the checking...by telling myself that sometimes I don't need to know the outcome, or the result, sometimes I'll never know and learn to be okay with that.

Not sure that's an option, Aunt Glow. We don't see each other that often. She is pretty busy.

I was thinking of maybe taking myself to the movies and out to lunch tomorrow. It's a public holiday here tomorrow. But I keep talking myself out of it and deciding that I just want to stay home instead.

Good morning! @NightFury 💛

How are you feeling about the process of an official diagnosis?

Yes, my OCD brain is definitely fuelled by the same thing - so whenever we are yappin', know you're never alone in this!!

And response prevention is key with OCD. Something that I tell myself, which helps, is that I can come back to ruminating/reassurance seeking/checking at any point (usually in 10 minutes when I am feeling more calm). And more often than not, my brain is like, "oh I am not worried about that anymore". Don't get me wrong, it will usually just send me into another spiral haha but it has been helpful in reducing the compulsions over time. Maybe you could try it?

Aww the movies and lunch sound SO lovely. I think you should do it. 😍

@AuntGlow I don't know how I feel about an official diagnosis. On one hand, it would give me a better understanding, it would allow me to be a little more empathetic with myself. On the other, I'm kind of...hung up on the fact that...I feel like I'm finding out all these things that are "wrong" with me. It's overwhelming.

I need to move away from shaming myself for reassurance seeking/checking/ruminating. I need find better self talk instead of, "this is ridiculous," or "you're being stupid," or even comparing myself to others and going, "other people can just move on...they don't need to do this...so why can't you br like that." It does work sometimes, but it makes me feel terrible about myself.

I've been using that strategy a little with SH. I wake up in the morning wanting to, and tell myself "wait until you finish work." And generally it works because by the time I finish work...the urges are gone or the emotions that triggered it are calmer. So, I can see how it works.

Thr movie and lunch is something I have planned for the weekend. Today feels weird, so I'm going to do some jobs here and give Luna some TLC.

@tyme Is a really great person to talk about this. 💛

I am actually looking towards getting a diagnosis myself, so once again, we meet in likeness. haha

I think it's so empowering to understand how your brain might work differently to others, and then optimise your life to support you. We live in a world that (in my opinion) suits a handful of people. Most of us don't suit the 9-5 capitalistic, monotonous, always 'regulated' grind.

You're a wonderful, creative, empathetic, spiritual, and selfless soul.

The world is lucky to have you as you are.

Okay, that's perfect!! So we have proof that this strategy helps. Can we give it a go next time you're feeling heightened?

And that sounds like a good plan. Perhaps you can also explore the @Jynx special and take a moment to follow your sense of whimsy? ✨