Acceptance is hard work

It went quite well actually! It was fun and I tried to explore not taking myself and the process too seriously. I allowed myself to be silly, take up space, and make mistakes without allowing them to become the focus. @NightFury

This essay I have to write on ethics for uni though... that's a whole other thing and I am definitely more stressed because I don't know where to start - I haven't been to uni for years! Maybe I need to apply the same ideology? 🤔

'Practice and eventually believing in the safety of it' - YES! That is exactly it. For example, what is something you feel safe and sturdy in already?

I understand. It would be so, so hard to simply detach from that voice, especially if it belongs to a parent. I wonder what would happen if you labelled that voice as your mum when it comes up? Perhaps this might help with some seperation? Then maybe you could explore what your inner parent would say? To strengthen this new neural pathway of kindness and compassion? 💛

I get that... hmm, if you did get it, maybe they would let you start a bit later?

I am glad that seeing the kids has been nice for you, but I am sorry to hear work is feeling a bit awkward and pressure-filled at times. Have you been able to connect with the teacher you get along with?

Hi @AuntGlow

Every time I try to tell myself that I'm going to take a couple of days break from the forums, I'm drawn back and can't help myself. I need to be here, as much as I need to sort out why things here are feeling a little overwhelming at the moment. I don't think it's anything to do with the forums, I just think that I sit on the verge of being overwhelmed constantly at the moment and it doesn't take much to tip me over.

It sounds like you had a good weekend, a good performance and didn't put too much pressure on yourself. I love that for you, because I know what we've talked before about putting pressure on yourself.

Your essay sounds tough. Sometimes it's harder to get started than it is to actually do the thing! So...my advice...sit down, put pen to paper and see what comes up and take it from there. Then you'll find your starting point. Do you need to do some research? Maybe start with the question or the task description and break it down into things you need to cover, that will give you a starting point for research topics? I don't know if that's good, useful advice or not...I'm sorry.

I don't know what feels safe and sturdy at the moment. I have two things and they sound silly and irrelevant - Luna and my car.

I can try and label that voice as my Mum, it's hard sometimes even recognising when it's present and when it's holding me back. It's something that happens on both the unconscious and conscious plane, I think.

I have been able to connect with her and it's been lovely to have conversations and a bit of teasing and humour and friendship into my day. I just....I have a colleague who is difficult to work with, and I feel like I have to walk on egg shells around him. It's triggering a lot of self-doubt and social anxiety around work.

The social anxiety...I guess that's what you would call it, has kind of surfaced here as well. I don't know why. Again, I'm putting it down to over whelm and how easily things trigger that feeling and response in my body and in my thoughts at the moment.

@AuntGlow I was there tonight, I got kicked out with about 5/10 minutes to go, and couldn't get sound back, but...

I need to share...

I just don't know how to share...eloquently.

I can relate. I thought he was talking to my brain. There were so many times tonight where I went, "I've done that." Like...I've done that with the car and convincing myself that I've hit someone or something and I've had to drive back to check and found nothing. Even to the point where I've gotten home, and then had to drive twenty minutes back up the road to check. I'm also terrible at speed cameras and red light cameras, I will drive past one, and convince myself that I was speeding and so...I'll turn around and drive past again, and again. I don't know the logic behind it...but I've done it.

I can relate....I told the story around my nightmares and dreams and how...I became incredibly anxious and convinced that I was going to hurt someone else in my sleep and developed a pattern of behaviour - words to say, wearing a cross to bed, etc that would calm my mind and body and help me to feel as if I wasn't.

The checking of the doors at the moment - 3 times - each time I leave the kitchen and when I go to bed so that I can sleep knowing that my doors are locked. This started after the break in. But I've also been known to almost get to work, then freak out about thinking I left the stove on, or the kettle on, or something and have to drive home to check it. If I don't...the anxiety in my body and thoughts is almost painful.

My brain is reeling.

Hello! @NightFury

Did you make it to the OCD webinar? 💖

I hear you. You're absolutely allowed to be here as much as you need, remember that. Does talking things out here help you to manage and address everything you have going on there at all?

Thank you, I am hoping it continues to grow and I can start doing solo work again. I appreciate your support so much. 😍

Yes, this is very helpful, so no apology necessary!! It's focused on counselling 'code of ethics' and how they help to support a safe space for clients. I need to critically analyse them in relation to counselling practice and what the consequences of those ethical decisions would be... I think. 😅

Knowing me, I just have to start - that is always the hardest part! I remember telling you to follow your line of curiosity, so I probably need to take my own advice as well haha

Luna and your car, I like that. What has helped Luna to feel safe for you over time?

I get that, and that's 100% part of the work. Slowly bringing it more into the conscious mind.

Aww I am so glad you have a person you can be in a sense of play with at work, that's so important.

Oh, that sounds really overwhelming... what makes you feel this way exactly?

Honestly, you're probably very right about this. When we are more heightened generally, it can be so easy for our minds to be extra hypervigilant. I would encourage you to practice showing up even with that voice there. If you'd like to, you could let them know you hear their fear, give yourself a little soothing, and then redirect to the evidence that shows you are very much welcomed and cared for here. 🫶

I did @AuntGlow I tagged you in a post here. We may have been writing at the same time...

It does help to talk it out. I'm just worried that if I share my thoughts about what's been setting me off here with the forums, it'll seem and sound silly. It's just a perceived falsehood and not what's really going on. It's what my brain is choosing to see in it...if that makes sense.

I did a similar assignment as a part of my Holistic Creative Arts Therapy Course. It was a tough one. We had to look at the code of ethics, analyse them and create a code of ethics based off of them for our own practice.

I strongly believe in your capacity to do this assignment! Maybe start with one of the code of ethics? Look at them one by one and take some notes on what each ones mean, how it's applicable and what the consequences of not following it would be. It might give you a starting point?

What has helped Luna to feel safe over time? Well I've had lots of reoccurring nightmares where I've lost Luna, or someone's hurt her, or worse...I've hurt her, or I've had to leave her behind. But her constant presence and her always always being here for me has made her feel safe, and has made me feel safe in that I always have her around. She's always here.

My colleague...he's hard to work with. He's manipulative and tries to one up everyone all the time. Several work colleagues have had to ask him for space because they don't feel safe around him. I keep...butting in and talking over the top of him. Not on purpose...I am neurodivergent. I just want to share and connect and I'm also socially awkward. In the last week of term, he stopped talking to me and our first day back he wouldn't even say hello to me. I did it to him again yesterday just trying to make a connection with another colleague and he just walked away. I keep making social fauxpa's with him and treading on toes and saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. It's not on purpose, there's no intention behind it.

My brain keeps telling me that I'm not wanted, I don't matter here. That I understand why noone wants to talk to me because they're sick and tired of my problems and my negativity and the fact that I'm alsways so emotional and reactive...I had this come up last night, it's coming up often at the moment and as I said in the second paragraph, it's just my perception and I know that, but I still cried myself to sleep last night. And my reaction is to run...to log off and put myself to bed, to tell myself I'm taking a break because people need a break from me.

Oh, I am so sorry I missed your last tag! @NightFury

I will respond to this first thing tomorrow.

I hope you get some rest, big hugs. 🥰

Good morning @NightFury 🫶

Firstly, wow! What a realisation to come to... how are you feeling after being able to identify yourself in Anu's stories?

I want you to know you are absolutely not alone. My brain works the same way. I have noticed that OCD is really prominent where there's a deep fear of the unknown and a distrust in the self. I think we learn how to relate to the world in this way very, very young, so oftentimes it doesn't make much logical sense. The idea of the thoughts and feelings being so painful that you simply have to act upon the compulsions to alleviate discomfort is so real. Sitting with the feelings and letting them pass without engaging in the mental gymnastics is what helps most (I am proof of this!). But it really is so tough... I am here if you want to talk all of this out a bit more. 🥰

Regarding your thoughts and feelings on the forums, you're more than welcome to share. It's great that you can see where your brain might be following a familiar pattern.

Oh!! Did you finish that course? That sounds sooo amazing. 🤩

That's a really great suggestion, thank you. 🥹

This is really lovely to read. I am glad that Luna is such a safe and consistent space for you. There was a reason I asked this, and it was to highlight that when we nurture something over time and build that trust, it can become safe. So whilst Luna will naturally be a safe place for you, her ability to be that is a result of you nurturing and caring for her. Essentially, this is an example of you having already practiced and believed in the safety of something. 🥰

Aww that's so tough!!! It sounds like the talking over him could be coming from feeling really anxious in his presence. (I do that too!) Hmm, I wonder, would it feel safe enough to approach him with how you're feeling? Or even to bring it up with a superior? I think feeling safe at work, so you can be yourself, is really important.

How you're feeling makes sense with everything you have going on, especially with your current social dynamics at school... I am going to go back to the 'hand on heart' exercise and ask, what does this part of you need most right now? 💛

Hi @AuntGlow

I suspected...or had a feeling that OCD was a challenge for me...or could be one of my challenges.

But...I don't know why, but I didn't equate those examples with OCD. I just thought that it was me...just being anxious and silly. I thought that me, going back to check speed cameras or to see if I've hit something or someone, or if I've run a red light...was just me being me and me being ridiculously anxious, but...maybe I'm being too hard and judgemental on myself? Maybe what I experience in those moments are OCD compulsions?

And I don't know how else to explain it...if I didn't go back to check if I'd run a red light, or if I'd run over someone in my car, I wouldn't be able to let it go...I would ruminate and fester and become so anxious that I was so tightly wound it impacted upon my physical health. It's like...a reassurance thing.

I don't like that...I'm not comfortable with...talking about or looking at my thoughts and fears around hurting the people and the things that I love. I would never ever ever do it...but it makes me feel like a terrible person...like a bad person for simply having them, or having dreams or nightmares about it and I think that's a lot to carry, and has a big impact on the way I see myself.

Thinking back, I also used to get into so much trouble as a child for my thoughts and...what I think now were compulsions. Like...I used to make my brother say good night and reply to my "love ya," each night when we went to bed. I would shout it across the hall from my bedroom, because I actually believed that each night was going to be the last time and last opportunity to tell him that I loved him. If I didn't do it...it just felt...horrible. It was fear. Or like...I went through a stage where I was terrified my house was going to burn down and so...I had to check the stove, the heaters, the power points and I would start to doubt, then I'd have to get out of bed to check again...and I would get in trouble for it.

It all feels a big and complex.

I wonder if it's okay to bring this up with my psychologist next week when I have my appointment? I mean...is it okay to like say, "look, I think I might have OCD."

I have to go out on lunch duty, but I'll reply to the rest later.

To reply to the rest of your message @AuntGlow...

I get what you're aiming at regarding Luna being a safe space. I have nurtured and cared for her, which is why she's become a safe space for me.

Thank you for suggesting it, but no, I don't feel safe enough around him or in the situation to have a conversation with him. And I don't know whether it's worth talking to leadership about. It's a situation that I've probably created by not being socially aware enough...and they have enough to deal with without worrying about two grown ups who are having communication issues.

I don't know if how I'm feeling around the forums does make sense. It just feels like something that's happened at the drop of the hat and I can't see the connections or the why...

I think this part of me needs...connection, it needs someone to hold me, to help me to feel safe and secure and sure. Everything feels a little confusing, a lot overwhelming and I just think this part of me needs help to anchor myself, someone to anchor myself too.

Thank you so much for sharing all of this with me @NightFury. 🥰

I think exploring this in therapy is such a good idea. Knowing I was experiencing OCD was so healing. And like with many anxiety-related conditions, trauma can be a huge conduit, so healing our core wounding/regulating our nervous system by anchoring in safety is key.

I am glad I made sense re: the Luna analogy.

And that's totally fair, you know your situation better than anyone else, so if it feels too much to raise a conversation then that's okay. I wonder what else you could do to create a sort of energetic safety bubble around yourself at work?

Maybe you don't have to know exactly why this is coming up right now... but perhaps some journaling things out could provide a little clarity? ☺️

This makes so much sense. I would be needing that too. Who could you turn to right now for comfort?

PS: I will be back on Sunday and can chat more then. Have a lovely end to your week. 💛