Acceptance is hard work

Oh wowww @NightFury what a minefield of masking and managing many messy moments! Sorry, I just really like alliteration 😝

I totally feel you on the pain of being asked questions about complex stuff with messy and emotional associations. I find it really jarring to have to lie, but also knowing that they are not going to be a safe person if I told them... lots of internal conflict.

Over time I tend to develop a neat, easily communicated story about it - something that doesn't necessarily open up discussion of the event or share details, but also doesn't completely deny my own experiences. For instance maybe you could say "Ahh, QLD... it was a difficult time for a number of reasons I won't go into, but I needed to go my own way for a while, and now I'm back to figure out my next steps. How have you been going with xyz?"

You can sorta convey that it's not a topic you want to talk about, and if they press you for details you're allowed to politely but firmly tell them you'd rather not talk about it. Or if you wanna 'throw em off' - "Naaaah you don't wanna hear all those sordid details, besides I wanna hear about x!/besides, I'd rather talk about x!"

Wow, I sure do practice my small talk a lot 😅

How've you been feeling since getting home? Hope the flashbacks have eased off 🤞

AH HA! So there's an answer for you. Take a sick day/wellbeing day once in a while so you can focus on your own mh and needs? @NightFury

I'm bad at it too. I feel I need to 'save it for a rainy day'.

@Jynx alliteration is fun!

Unfortunately, I'm not good at small talk. I just come across as awkward and jarring and horrible at socialising instead. Which starts a whole...internal process of how horrible I am at being social and chatting to people. I find myself rehearsing a lot of my interactions in my head before they actually happen - things like tough talks with people, job interviews, social interactions when I know what's coming up, explanations for things...usually the words don't come out as I rehearsed and prepared for.

I was trying to prepare for the questions this morning, but I still don't have words for last year and my 13 month stint in QLD and I don't know how to explain that...I left because I was escaping burnt out and SI. There are very few people who know the real reason why I left my home state.

And there a fewer people who know that now I sit with a lot of...shame over the fact that I failed over there, guilty for leaving my family in the lurch and not being there for them through some tough times and that it was...overall a really really hard situation to be in over there.

I probably need to practice my small talk more.

I am...

I'm okay. Tired and kinda wiped out.

@tyme I don't store them up for rainy days...

I'm just...I'm aware that when I take a sick day as a teacher, it impacts others. Others have to take my classes, do my duties, the kids have to deal with change...

I totally get that @NightFury . At the same time, remember that you are entitled to take that time off if you need it because I'm thinking that if you don't pace yourself, you will not be able to stay in such a taxing role, and perhaps then it will be a long-term issue where the kids won't have a teacher at all because you just aren't well enough?

What do you think?

I also know that sometimes, when you are away, it's more work to put all the lessons up...

Just a thought.

Of course, it's important to do what feels right for you 🙂

@tyme our lessons are already up. At the school I'm teaching there is a requirement that all planning is done prior to the start of the next term, and put on the Drive for people to access should we be away. We have a term plan, a weekly plan and curriculum plans which all need to be done prior to the start of the term.

And I have never thought about it like that...that not taking time off could have a long term, bigger impact than actually taking a day here and there.

So you have all your plans done, but don't you use informal assessments as you go to guide what you are teaching next @NightFury ? Or do you then have to do ANOTHER planner for each week?

Anyway, yeah. THat's my thinking. If you don't take a day off here and there, you end up getting burnt out.

I'm mindful that teaching is M-F, business hours which means sometimes you just need that day of to catch up on all the appointments you need to go to.

In the past, I remember I only ever worked 4 days. I had every Wednesday off to go to appointments. Now, I don't need those appointments so I can work more. But yes, I had to priortise my MH back then or I'd be no good for man or beast!

Have you had time to plan tomorrrow yet? Or the week ahead?

I've planned to go to a local botanical garden mid week - if the weather is good.

I forget if you identify as or been diagnosed as autistic @NightFury? I am literally in the process of seeking diagnosis and one of the questionnaires had a lot of stuff about 'do you need to rehearse before social situations' or 'do you have a script to follow during conversations' and I was like OH... YEAH... I totally do rehearse conversations and have scripted responses to certain types of small talk.... ahhh I see, that is not the norm 😅

You also don't need to explain anything. You don't owe anyone explanations. There's this weird social expectation that kinda feels like just saying 'I'd prefer not to talk about it' is interpreted as rude. But maybe it's rude to expect us to share just cos someone is curious! I dunno, it's tricky, and doubly so when it's family.

I find when reflecting on my past choices, it can be hard not to judge myself with my current knowledge. As in, you said you feel guilty for leaving your family in the lurch, but at the time you left you probably had very good reasons for doing so - and you couldn't have known they would be facing those hard times. You couldn't have known that your experiences in QLD would be so challenging and force you to return. You were making the best decision you could with the knowledge and needs you had at the time.

Aye I always feel really depleted after a big event like that. What are you doing to nourish yourself tonight? I like lots of quiet, a strong cuppa, and maybe one of my comfort shows. And lots of blankets!

@tyme we do use informal assessments, but we need to have them planned and part of our term plan and weekly plans. The term plans with all your links to the resources, assessments etc need to be in before the start of the term. Your weekly plan goes in each week, but is a match to your term plan. The only difference is it'll have things on it like school sport on Fridays and excursions on their specific days.

When I first started back teaching this year, I only worked four days a week and had Fridays off. It was great actually. But also, I wasn't paying rent then.

Tomorrow will be...

- take Luna for a walk

- work

- mow the lawn after work.

@Jynx I haven't any diagnosis yet. I've had colleagues tell me that they suspect I am on the spectrum, but no formal diagnosis. I used to fight wanting a diagnosis because I don't want a label. But I've been thinking lately that maybe I want to pursue diagnosis. I think it will...like, mentally give myself permission to be more understanding and empathetic and less judgey about what happens for me and with my needs. I don't know how to go about it, and have only just started to look into it and the costs involved. It seems quite costly and so I'm at the decision making stage where my brain is weighing up the costs versus the benefits and outcomes of me having a diagnosis.

Maybe, I'd also like to pursue formal diagnosis for my current mental health challenges too, not just for autism or ADHD.

I don't know, Jynx. It was a decision that I made, I think...while in crisis and then was it the best decision for me to make? I don't know.

I'm sitting in front of the wood heater, watching the new How to Train Your Dragon. I have my floor cushion and weighted blanket.