Acceptance is hard work

@tyme @AuntGlow this is going to get super emotional at close to 1 am in the morning, so I feel like I need to apologise in advance. I'm also aware that...I am not at my best at the moment and these feelings could stem from that, but I need to get them out...

I feel so disconnected here. I feel so disconnected everywhere at the moment. Auntglow you talk about believing in my ability to make meaningful connection again and...I was doing that here, but lately it's like...

People don't want to chat with me any more. I'm too much, too hard, too negative and people are sick and tired of it. I don't blame people, at the moment. I'm emotional and everything is hard, every reaction is big. And I'm trying hard to still be recovery focused, but I acknowledge that it's not perfect at the moment.

But I feel as if I've done something wrong, or missstepped and I have lost or am losing my connections. Like...who I am and the challenges I have...drives people away. It happens consistently in my life and it hurts.

Tears and big feelings at 1 am in the morning.

@Jynx

Oh, this would have felt really big to experience at 1am... especially on your own. It's so easy for thoughts to take over when we are in that space, isn't it? @NightFury

Pretend I am holding your hand when I say this: you haven't done anything wrong. 💕

I have noticed that people come in and out of connection in spaces like this and it simply reflects where they are at. I don't think it's a reflection of you or your 'stuff' at all. You're a wonderful support to others and we all love hearing about what you have to share - it's never too much.

Though, I get where the fear comes from. And I am sure your mind has picked up on a shift and instinctively gone, 'what have I done to create this?'

I have moments like this too, so I completely get it.

Can we look a little closer at where this thought came from? What were you doing before these feelings came up?

Also, I know how important connection is for you right now... what could you do facilitate or instigate some more connection on the forums? 🤩

Hi @NightFury I am sorry to hear that you have been feeling disconnected from people, including on the forums. I think when people don't seem to be interacting as much, it could easily be because they are busy or have a lot of their own stuff going on and therefore have less bandwith for other people. So it's nothing to do with you specifically, it's just where they are at. That's what I think, but doesn't mean it is correct.

I am sorry I have not been chatting with you as much as I used to. As you know, I haven't been on the forums as much lately and I've had a lot of my own stuff happening. For me, and I think for others things ebb and flow and I have started posting a bit more on here, but I am trying to be very careful and mindful of other people's spaces.

So I hope you will find people re-connecting more or other new people coming to connect.

Also on a technical note, sometimes I don't get a notification on the site when people tag me lately, it's intermittent but happened a couple of times last night that people had actually tgged me, but I didn't get the little pink circle next to the bell icon.

It was a big meltdown @AuntGlow

Before my meltdown, I was feeling pretty low last night, and I went to bed at around 10.30, I think I was asleep by 11 ish and woke at 12.15 am. Before things got super emotional, I was just trying to go back to sleep. I was tossing and turning and my mind was swirling with all sorts of thoughts. Luna laid on me because she needed to go to the toilet, so I got up to let her out, waited for her to come back in and went back to bed but couldn't shut my mind off and then the tears started and sobbing breathing and it just...came out. I remember part of me was like..."see, you can still cry, you can still feel your emotions."

I posted, and got back up and wandered around the house, went to the loo myself, got a glass of water and got back into bed and I couldn't stop the tears, so I did what I used to do when I was little...

This is going to sound...silly...

I reached out to out a hand on Luna, and felt her breathing and then started to go through like the process that I used to put myself through when I was scared of a night and had to deal with it alone as a child. I work hard to slow my breathing down and repeat a thought in my head...on an in breath, I would tell myself, "please don't ever let anything happen to me while I'm asleep" then on an out breath I would add, "No fire, no robberies, nothing." I used to be really anxious around feeling really unsafe and vulnerable while I was asleep. I think I picked fire because I was terrified that our house was going to burn down while we slept, and I picked robberies for a couple of different reasons. The first being, that we were robbed one night while we were out, and the robber went through all of the stuff in my bedroom and took some things and from that point, I was and still am scared that I'm going to wake up to someone in my house. The second....well, there's a whole big story behind it...and so I invented this little ritual, and I'd use it every night before I slept. I would say it in my head over and over again and focus on doing it with the breath and it would slow my breathing down and drown out any other thoughts until my head was calmer.

Last night, I just...I didn't know what to do and I felt so alone. I eventually cried myself to sleep and woke again at 3.45 am.

As for connection on the forums, I've kind of retreated to this thread. Withdrawn a bit, I guess. I need to sort that out.

Oh and to address your other comment! @NightFury

I love that you enjoy things that are mysterious and unknown - what is it that you find interesting about them exactly? It's interesting, because anxiety can be mysterious and unknown too!

Yes! It really is so empowering, and with practice, it becomes more believable. It's like your doubting brain gets a little more on board with the idea each time. ☺️

Well, I was living with a friend and her dad decided to take me to a GP from his church, and I guess something about that whole process was comforting and helped me to feel safe. This was during Covid, so I couldn't cross the boarder to be with my mum, which was really hard. Anyway, the GP supported me with an antidepressant, which also helps with sleep. That may not work for everyone, but it certainly helped me. I hope that your GP collaborates on a plan that supports you. 🥰

@Till23 you don't need to apologise. I know you've been going through it too.

The feeling disconnected thing is a big trigger for me and my brain finds all the reasons why I'm to blame for the disconnection. I feel like maybe it was too big triggers in one - the whole sleep thing is a major trigger, and maybe it brought about that feeling of disconnection, of feeling really alone and not being able to grasp why, or what I've done wrong to cause it. It's complicated.

@AuntGlow I find all things mysterious interesting because...I want to believe that the world is a bigger, more complex, more connected place than what we can see, feel and know. I want to believe in the things that I can't see. Studies have found that lions use infrasound to communicate, and we know that our human ears can only hear certain frequencies, so what sounds and what things are happening in the world that we can't access. If our hearing works like that, why can't our other senses? How do we know that we're the only lifeforms in space? That's a pretty big assumption, when outer space is so vast and relatively unexplored. How do we know that there aren't other timelines, or other dimensions operating close to ours? We don't. Just because we can't see it, or hear it, or know it to be solid fact...doesn't mean that it doesn't exist.

Sorry...random rant...once you get me started on this stuff...

Thank you for sharing your story - my counsellor asked me what kind of support I wanted to get out of my GP appointment and I was just like...."honestly, I just need someone to help me get a good night's sleep and I don't know what that will look like in terms of support."

Not to overwhelm your inbox @AuntGlow but...I guess it's kind of half told anyway.

Please don't judge, I don't think you will but it's a big thing me talking about this...the story will explain why in itself, I think. It's a little bit of a different experience.

I was a super anxious child...I'd watch a TV show that had a bush fire in it and I would be terrified for weeks that our house was going to burn down, for example.

As a teenager - around thirteen years old - things got pretty bad for me...

TW: UM...not sure if it belongs in a trigger warning but hiding it in one, just in case. Not sure what to label it though.

I still have some pretty big triggers of a night - I have vivid nightmares, I'm terrified of the dark and have to have some kind light in the room with me, I rarely, but it still does happen - wake myself up screaming or yelling in my sleep, and often wake up feeling scared and not knowing or understanding why. I'm older now, I don't know what was going on when I was a child, why it was happening to me, and I no longer believe that there's a man who watches me while I sleep...mostly...sometimes I have to tell my brain, that if he is there, he hasn't done anything to hurt me.

I don't tell anyone about my childhood experiences and beliefs around sleep, because it's difficult for others to understand and I learnt from the way my parents used to look at me, that it's not "normal."

So, yeah, I just...carry, a lot associated with sleep.

@tyme @Jynx

Hi @NightFury ,

Thank you for sharing. It sounds like there is a lot going on for you at the moment. Night terrors don't sound pleasant at all.

After reading your post about being an anxious child, I can totally relate! I ended up developing OCD as a child, and it all stemmed from anxiety. I'm here if you want to talk about it.

How was your goal-setting today?

What are your plans for tomorrow?

My day's been a bit everywhere.

I've been in meetings and doing admin work, then time sorta flew. I spent about 40 mins in the arvo doing some grounding, and then I hopped onto the forums.

Tomorrow? I'm not too sure yet.

Then Friday, I think I might go to the city for a bit.

That's it.

I didn't really specify goals for today @tyme but I did get some things done...I guess.

- Brought myself a coffee this morning

- Survived work - not totally unscathed. It was a tricky afternoon behavioural wise.

- I am currently studying for my assignment, focusing on ethical considerations in mental health promotion and prevention. Which is one part of my HUGE assignment.

- I spoke to my Dad about buying a lawn mower and he did some ringing around and have organised to go and have a look on Friday after work.

Tomorrow...

- Work

- Pick my niece up from day care after work and do something to spend some quality time with her (might not happen because she's been sick all week)

- Start the good copy of my assignment.

@tyme can I ask? - what did your experience of OCD look like for you as a child?

Thanks @NightFury I think I can understand about disconnection. It may be different to how you feel or experience it, but I also have the feeling of disconnection very strongly.

I also have dissociation, which is an extreme form of disconnection.

I don't know maybe I've kind of got used to it after 50 odd years.

I also suffer from nightmares which vary in frequency from multiple times per night to only one a week.

I also have freezes were I can spend up to 2hrs not being able to move after a nightmare. It wastes a lot of time when I could be actually sleeping, but I sometimes can't even move my eyes for an hour.

So I suppose I'm saying you are not alone and it's a thing that many people experience.

Hopefully with treatment and connecting with your niece, the people at work and on the forums, the feeling will dissipate, at least to some extent.

I have taken antidepressants for many years and some of them definitely have a sedative type effect.

I hope you start getting some good sleep