Acceptance is hard work

@Jynx you have impeccable timing, I've just gotten off the phone with the psych, and my brain is trying hard to process...I feel a little weird, as if I've just been slapped with the truth stick.

The surgery went well. It was only a small thing. The bandages come off today and it was nice to be able to have a proper shower...I've had a little bit of pain and uncomfortableness, but it's been okay and today it feels weird because the bandages are off...so it feels like it's rubbing on my clothing.

The appointment with the psych was interesting...

I'm trying to work through it...

He said that I have internal and external triggers, which are going to be tough to work with. I ruminate and that triggers me and makes things worse. That almost felt like he was putting me in the "too hard basket." I avoid my emotions, bottle them up and disconnect from them. I spoke about feeling disconnected from my emotions, and that it's been made worse by the medication and he's concerned about that. I spoke about how it also worried me, because it was really challenging to be in.

He said I was most probably burnt out from teaching, because I've gone from a volatile early home life, to a work environment that my brain associates as being volatile and he doesn't know how I do it. I had to admit, that I don't either.

He would like me to journal every night, just simple ...What am I feeling? Why am I feeling like that? I can even expand into - what are my emotions trying to tell me.

@tyme you're probably finished by now, but tagging you for later.

@NightFury definitely not a fun feeling, the 'too hard-basket' one. Definitely recommend flagging this feeling with your psych!! Coming from the other side of the room, as a therapist I absolutely love it when folks give me feedback. I can't meet support needs if I'm unaware there's concern - if you say to them 'hey, I got this vibe last session, and I just wanted some reassurance that you feel like us working together will result in progress.' Or something.

It invites honesty, which helps build trust.

Just on the 'volatile' thing - something I learned from 'The Body Keeps the Score' is that often trauma survivors will end up seeking out environments that are 'high octane'; some folks even become 'adrenaline junkies' (hate the term junkie, but I digress).

The way I understand it is that we crave familiarity, our systems find it 'safe'. If we've grown up with constant distress, constant activation of our stress response (the four F's) then our bodies learn to seek it out, because not being in that state feels weird and uncomfortable. Similar to how becoming more 'associated' or grounded can feel really destabilising to someone who is used to feeling dissociated all the time.

Does this resonate with your experiences?

How are you feeling about the journalling?

Hope you are taking it super easy tonight 😊

ooof... @Jynx @tyme my brain's just locked onto the part of the conversation I had with my psych

TW: mentions CA

Feeling pretty...what was that word you used @Jynx brittle? Now...

Also, I just saw your reply, so will reply here instead of in something separate...

Yeah, it makes sense for me, it resonates. It's why I struggle with the "peace and quiet" so much. I feel uncomfortable with in a quiet environment, so I start to ruminate and trigger myself, but I am equally as uncomfortable in a busy, noisy, overstimulating environment.

This evening's appointment was...it was a lot.

Hey @NightFury I am glad to hear that you have the bandages off, and that things seem to be going pretty good with the procedure. Your wound will probably get itchy - but that's a normal part of healing.

I'm sorry your first psych appointment was pretty taxing. Is it a psychologist or psychiatrist?

I can empathise with you a bit because I don't jsut feel I'm in the too hard basket. I've actually been told I am being discharged to find someone else.

That's hard for me because of attachment trauma. But enough about me

But yes agree with @Jynx about bringing up how you feel in session, which is really hard to nearly impossible in my own experience, but it's actually teh best thing for the theapy and helps build the therapeutic alliance. If the therapist doesn't get it then it's good to know early to find some one else (as easy as that is 😂). a good therapist will actual appreciate it, and most therapists are good.

I also agree with @Jynx about the adrenaline. I have done several high adrenaline type jobs. When I am at these emergency type situations I actually feel alive. Anyhow I digress to me again.

But you are packing in a lot of stuff.

I hope you settle down well tonight and get good sleep. I feel mentally tired after a psychology sessin normally

@NightFury that's honestly such a mood hun. As in, for soooo many of us, the idea that we were 'abused' seems ridiculous. But emotional neglect leaves lasting wounds at the core of us. I gaslit myself for many years, telling myself over n over 'I have no right to feel this horrible, not when I had such a good childhood.' But... I didn't. I was sooo frequently just left to my own devices, sent away when I had emotional outbursts (I imagine the intention was so I could go cool off/regulate but... since I was never taught to regulate, the message I got instead was 'big emotions are bad and get you cut off from people'...), and well, a child doesn't generally need to invent a massive internal fantasy world if they're sufficiently stimulated, do they...?

Point is, in my opinion it matters less what happened than it does the story we tell ourselves about it. You are the only one who gets to write the narrative of your life. Not to say we can just deny our memories or pretend we didn't go through crap, but more that like... if it is painful and feels incorrect for you to label your experience as CA, then you don't have to. You can call it 'adverse childhood experiences' if you like. Or maybe it could be empowering, to be able to finally recognise and name it, so you can acknowledge that what you went through wasn't okay. The choice is yours, either way 😊

What's on for the rest of your evening hun? Got some self-soothery or self-care planned?

Huuuugs

(つˆ⌣ˆ)つ

@Jynx thank you. I don't have many words to reply properly, but thank you. I hear you and I wanted to acknowledge that.

Thank you for sharing your experience with me. It helps to know that I am not the only one who struggles to call my childhood experiences what they were.

I'm not sure what's on for the rest of the night. I really don't feel fantastic at the moment, kinda struggling. The TV'S on and I'm thinking PJ's, blanket and some distracty TV staring.

@Till23 thank you for your reply...words are hard, but also wanted to acknowledge that I've read it.

I um...yeah and I know and acknowledge that I do it. I make myself busy on purpose, because I don't feel comfortable with doing nothing, resting and recovering, and being quiet and peaceful. I acknowledge it, but it's still hurting my brain to actually have someone validate it.

In answer to your question, It was a psychologist I spoke to.

@NightFury sounds very cosy!! Good for the soul, especially in this weather!

And you are welcome. Always happy to share my experiences, so feel free to pepper me with questions if you got em!

And hey, coping is coping. We can always work on stuff - e.g. mindfulness practice is often good to help with that discomfort in sitting with our thoughts. But we also can only work on so much at a time, and with the biiiig day you've had, it's totally okay to just mentally kinda 'check out' ya know?

@Jynx I can't mentally check out.

My belly hurts...and I feel sick. I feel all anxiously icky and uncomfortable. I don't know how to describe it.

I'm going to try some colouring in.

@NightFury fair enough hun, and I think I know the feeling you're describing. Like not 'throw up' sick but just... off. I think it's to do with our vagus nerve but that's an info-dump for another day.

Yay for colouring in!! If you feel like sharing your progress please do!! And don't forget to take some time to focus on your breath if things feel like too much. It's our 'first line of defence' against dysregulation 😉

@Jynx this is what I've slowly been working on when I need something to help keep my hands busy....