Battles

Let me know if/how I can help @MissGremlin .

@AlwaysMyself you just being here helps. I'm getting frustrated cos it's been 2 days with no email notifications from sane so it's making it hard to even keep up with the forums. When they do come through there's going to be like over 500 so it's going to be so overwhelming.

Oh, no! I know that feeling of email overwhelm! Do you know why the emails aren't coming through @MissGremlin ?

I like the bulk-delete options in emails lol. But I only do that if I KNOW I am up-to-date on my notifications on the website, so that I won't have missed any and accidentally delete an email for a message I haven't read yet lol.

I recently changed my notification settings to only send a "daily digest" for subscriptions - rather than an email for every reply. But still get the individual emails for where I am tagged. But I wish I could get a "daily digest per thread" - rather than one email with ALL the threads (often 200 posts, even after I have reduced the number of threads I am subscribed to!)

@AlwaysMyself it's a sane issue 😂. Nah it's just a technical issue that's happening. They know about it and are no doubt working on the issue. It's not the first time it's happened.

I usually only rely on the emails so the I'm alerted to when someone tags me and then I can reply promptly. Not getting the notifications means that sometimes it's hours before I see a post and then I feel bad that I haven't replied to people.

Aww @MissGremlin , there is no requirement for you to be on the forums every day -- let alone multiple times or hourly!

But I can understand the want to be notified and see people's posts as soon to when they post so as to support them when things are tough -- and not just 5 hours later when you see it. This happens to me a lot, that I am busy doing something (or sleeping) and don't see someone's post until many hours later, but wish I had been there to support them during the crisis/feelings.

I'm glad I can be here for you and Cap tonight. 🙂

@AlwaysMyself i love being here, having the connection and being able to support people. It gives me purpose and when I'm having a hard time myself I find that if I can focus on supporting others that I can get through things easier. Obviously there's times where I do need to step back myself but often when I do things spiral quickly for me cos then I'm alone and without that connection. It's all about balance and knowing if/when I need to step back in order to protect myself.

I'm so grateful that you are here and thankyou for your support ❤️.

How are you doing sweet?

I relate a lot to that too @MissGremlin - the forum supporting others giving me meaning, and also a distraction from myself spiralling at times too.

Most of the past 3 days have been OK/fine thankfully - markedly better than Wednesday was (phew!). 😊

But I have also been able to keep fairly busy, so not much mental down-time at all (or painting, for that matter lol - 5min here or there). When I am not busy mentally I do also tend to decline a bit, thinking about my current "limbo". Was good to be able to talk about it to my counsellor though yesterday. I am glad I feel I can be open with her. But I hope she doesn't worry too much or feel burden from some of the things we talk about, knowing that there is no guaranteed solution that will help me.

@AlwaysMyself I'm glad the last 3 days have been better for you especially after Wednesday.

Not sure if this needs a trigger warning?

I completely get that current limbo, it's exactly how I feel. I talked to my counsellor yesterday aswell and I also feel I can be pretty honest with her. Like you I worry about putting too much on her especially when some of the things we talk about are very heavy. She asked if there was anything that maybe she'd notice in how I was talking about things that could suggest things are heading back down the path of planning again. But as I said to her i still have an active plan but with no set time frame/date, but rather it's back to being an in the moment thing if things become too much (I'm safe). It's horrible to be in that space constantly and it's hard to talk about cos it's something that I feel is mine and that brings me a sense of comfort having. She knows that I'm doing everything I can to keep myself safe, reaching out to crisis services when needed, recognising when things are getting too much and trying to bring myself out of that space etc.

Sorry if that was too much to share, I'm not even quite sure where it came from but it felt like I needed to get it out.

I'm glad you got it out @MissGremlin , and I don't feel it was too much to share - or not for me. 😊. I "get" it. Part of my discussion yesterday with mine was around the inner argument between allowing myself to "prepare" for Plan B (if Plan A, improvement, does not work) and not allowing myself to prepare because I've always been told not to / I shouldn't let myself, etc - but that not allowing myself to prepare feels disingenuous to myself. But as I said to her, if I was preparing/acquiring means, I wouldn't talk about it because of duty of care (and because I don't/won't lie, I would just avoid the topic lol). Don't worry - I'm safe; I am waiting to see how the PAT goes since it is something I haven't tried yet so there "might be hope".

It was interesting reading what you said about feeling "comfort" in it, because she also asked me about that - in terms of how I would feel if I had everything I needed for the future if I chose that path - how that would impact how I feel now whilst in 'limbo'. I have heard others say they feel comfort in it even if they never intend to - just having options, I think?

Our focus is also on the short-medium term of getting me through to the PAT in hopefully 2-3 months time. I have a lot of self-control, but it isn't pleasant to be sitting with those thoughts/feelings/urges, so I am trying to learn that it is OK to reach out when I am having those times. And even learning that it is OK to reach out before I get to crisis -- just because I don't want to sit with those thoughts alone.

Thankyou @AlwaysMyself, I know not everyone likes or can handle talking about these things but i do know that you get it.

I get that, it's so hard to have that inner argument but I'm glad you are still holding out on that little bit of hope you have in trying something new and I'm keeping everything crossed that it helps you. I completely get that duty of care thing. I guess I share pretty openly with her cos I know what she needs to hear (whether it's true or not) in order to not have to escalate things if she thinks I'm not safe.

It's an interesting topic and one that i guess differs from person to person. For me i take comfort in knowing it's there, the knowing that at some point i can escape the pain and suffering(I'm safe). It's exhausting going through life and not having any joy, not feeling like i belong or that i matter. I just feel like I'm going through the motions, running on autopilot but not really living, rather just existing.

I'm glad you are focusing on the short-medium term, I get frustrated when counsellors/psychologists try to push for you to see your future in the long term. I struggle to focus on just the next hour let alone the next day at times. You do have alot of self control but I'm glad you are trying to learn to reach out so you don't have to sit with things alone, you deserve support in those moments and even before it gets to that crisis point.