Battles

@MissGremlin old wounds, old hurts opening up.

Thanks, Dreamy.

@NightFury understand that feeling. I'm sorry if I upset you yesterday, just know that I'm still around at the moment. Right now there's alot to think about with my situation and its not just black and white.

But I'm still here and I'm thinking I need to stick around here for not just my benefit but for others aswell.

@MissGremlin I'm glad you're still here and thank you for your apology.

I just want you to know...my reaction and the things it's brought up for me isn't yours to carry. You did nothing wrong in taking care of your needs.

It's just...stirred up a lot.

@NightFury and that's why I'm so sorry. I don't want to hurt anyone on here and yet that's what I did in that moment.

I want to stay on the forums but things just may need to change a bit in order for me to do so. But anyway that's something I have to sort out. For now I'm still here and I still want to keep chatting to you and supporting you whenever you need/want to.

Once again I really am sorry for stirring up things for you. Sending you gentle hugs ♥️

@MissGremlin

I've lost count of the amount of times I've had very strong thoughts of just giving a lot of stuff up this year. Sometimes it's the things we choose to do, like posting here, are the only things left in our lives that we have any control over. So I think in those more difficult times, we just desperately try to grab on to, and change, the things we feel we do have some control over. Just to give us some sense of control when things just seem to be spinning wildly out of hand. But in time we realise that we'd just be doing it for a lot of wrong reasons... we just get so desperate to feel like we can control something... anything... even if it is detrimental. It so hard and messes with your head so much when you lose any sense of control in life. I feel like this is just a normal way to cope with dealing with rally difficult stuff in our lives that is just our of our control. It sucks! What more can i say. Other than happy to hear you might stick around.

I've always found I've always found that I've gotten on pretty well with people on line. I feel like my strongest trait has always been those parts of me on the inside that no one ever really cared to see. It's also easier to form your thoughts into words in an email or posted message. You have time to think and edit if needed before sending. Talking to someone face to face you lose that luxury and there's a lot more pressure to say the right thing quickly. And i'm not good at that... I panic a bit. So I don't think i connect very well with people in person. Having said that, I think i've gotten a lot better at it the past couple of years. I'm still crap at it... but better. To be fair though, it's like getting only 1 question right a test and saying you did better that the last test because you got them all wrong! 😁

I guess that's the advantage of cats... they take up much less room on the bed. I had a dog like Casper when I was growing up who did the same thing on my bed. And I did in fact end up on the floor one time! It sounds crazy, but you know... you get just a bit closer to the edge that you think and... well...

He didn't even jump down to see how I was! I don't think he even woke up. Which is hard to believe knowing how much sound it made. I swear I heard a doggie-giggle just after that thud I made!!

@MJG017 don't think that I'm ignoring the whole first part of your post, I just don't have it in me to go into it all right now.

Thankfully Casper didn't make me fall off the bed, at least not this time anyway. It gets me how they wake up so easily if you open a packet of food anywhere in the house but you fall down right next to them and they are oblivious to it 😂.

My brain really focused on that part of your post, I think it needed that bit of laughter, that lightness. Things just feel so damn heavy today, I really feel like i have the weight of the world on my shoulders and I'm crumbling under it. I've been laying on my lounge trying to nap, I managed 5 minutes then woke up panicky and shaking. So I'm laying here taking some deep breaths while trying to find another movie to put on just for some background noise.

Have you been up to anything today?

@MissGremlin

You know I like to ramble on... it's my thing! 😁 But I totally understand that you may not be up to taking it in at the time, and that it's probably a very difficult situation for you. So I do like to add a bit of a laugh to finish with so you can at least get a bit of a giggle out of it.

My psych asked me last time we spoke about how heavy things felt for me. I said that it feels like i'm forced to drag a sledge behind me with all these heavy boulders on it. And I pass people hoping they might take a boulder or two off, but they just keep putting more on! Sometimes that's the only way to describe how life is feeling... heavy! So a bit of a laugh here and there always helps with that.

As for me today, i'm just doing some more prints for people. I've really struggled to get much done the past couple of weeks. I was sitting on the couch about 45mins ago and moved me head back and though i'll just try to have a nap. But I forced myself to get up and do something. So I'm taking that as a big win right now. Unfortunately, one of the prints i'm doing at the moment has some small parts because the whole ting assembles into a big 'gear ball'. I say unfortunately because i foolishly did those small parts first so they're sitting on my desk and Luna is currently there trying to eat them!

Not food!! Bad Kitty!!!

@MJG017 you do manage to make me giggle and I've missed that.

Come past me with that sledge and I'll take many of those boulders off for you. You don't deserve to have to carry it all alone. That reminds me I have another phone appointment with the counsellor tomorrow but I'm nervous about it cos of how she left me last time.

Other than the tasks I know i have to do i haven't done much over the last few weeks either, that's how I know my mental health is bad and also why I was so frustrated and worried this morning when my doctors appointment was cancelled on me, that's now another 2 weeks that I have to try to get through. Well done for getting up and doing something, that's definitely a big win. Oh a big gear ball, sounds super cool. Silly Luna trying to eat the little parts, did you make them to look like little fish for her 😂.

@MissGremlin

This is the gear ball i've made and currently doing the 2nd. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p8oz4-qZzCg

I hope your phone appointment with the counselor goes better tomorrow than the last one. And that's definitely frustrating about the doctors appointment. The whole system is broken in so many ways, for so many people. I have my appointment with my psych this Thursday. I'm a bit apprehensive because the only thing I have to talk about is how difficult the past months has been. And I worry it will just get a bit too much to talk about, or just not talk about it. But we'll see how it goes. She has been good so far.

The pieces look like little H's, so maybe they do look like little cat treats. I've actually finished the 2nd gear ball now, so i'm now doing a couple of sunflower spinners. I'll post some photo's when i'm done.

@MJG017 that looks like so much fun to play with, the way it moves is kind of trippy 😂.

Thanks, I'm just not sure i want to continue talking to her. I've been told to speak up about how last time left me feeling but that's just not me and I struggle to put things like that into words. My doctor is unwell so I get that it was unavoidable but when you really need that appointment and it's cancelled well it just sucks. I hope your appointment goes well, totally get that it can be hard to talk about these things and the worry of it being too much to talk about. Just take it one step at a time and see how it goes.

I think Luna would mistake anything for food with the way he appetite is 😂. I can't wait to see some photos of them.