Battles

@Ru-bee I'm talking to lifeline at the moment. Trying so hard to keep myself distracted.

@MissGremlin things are hard, I hear you. I'm with you. I know how it feels, because I'm in it with you today.

@NightFury things are definitely hard.

I hope you are holding up as ok as you can be. Sending you hugs ♥️

@Ru-bee After this mornings chat with the counsellor and how it left me feeling I'm not sure i can go through it again. I needed this experience to be different but its just brought back all the past experiences I've had and it hurts. I just got back from my doctors appointment and I froze in there and couldn't talk about things I needed to so now I'm frustrated and angry with myself. Today's appointment with my doctor was crucial and I needed to be honest with him but now I've missed that opportunity and my next appointment isn't for another 2 weeks, it's just not going to work.

I'm hearing that you're feeling lots of uncertainty right now @MissGremlin it's okay to feel disappointed and frustrated at how the doctor's appointment went today, but if those feelings are getting to be too much what are some supports that you can lean on between now and the next apppointment?

@Ru-bee it already is too much. I've only got here and reaching out to lifeline which I'm trying to only use if I really need to.

Hey @MissGremlin

I'm really sorry to hear your appointments today didn't go as you would have hoped. I know that freeze well. It's a difficult thing to control. And yes, i was always just as angry and frustrated with myself. But looking back I know that giving up never helped me. And I did... a lot! No forever obviously, but or long periods of time. It just doesn't help in any way other than short relief from the anxiety.

You have another appointment in 2 weeks. Remember how angry and frustrated with yourself you feel right now and try to use that in two weeks when you're sitting there and you feel like freezing up again. I know it's so hard. I always found it helped a tiny bit to thing of the positive outcomes as well. I would get so stressed and fixated on the things that could go wrong, that I never kept in mind the good things that could happen. Keeping those in mind in the "freeze" moments does help me to speak up sometimes. Even if it's just a little bit. Then the next time it feels slightly easier so a little bit more comes out.

You did really well to show up for those two appointments in the first place. That is 2 wins! You even said that you "missed that opportunity" and that's all it was. An opportunity. You have another one. And another after that.

Sorry... i'm getting all long and wordy again. I'll just add that I've struggled with this a lot lately as I'm constantly told that I need to be far more assertive in medical appointments and ask the questions that I have and ask for that extra time and attention that my situation demands. It's hard, even with everything that's on the line for me personally. I know it's a bit easier for me because I can take my partner to a lot of these appointment with me. But its still a difficult process. Lets just write today off and look towards you next appointment. Is there anything you think may help you to speak up more next time?

Hello @MJG017, its just that I have to talk myself into actually going to my appointments so much and I have everything planned in my head as to what I want to say and then this happens. Grrr it just drives me nuts 😂.

It's even more frustrating cos normally I am open with my doctor but since the incident happened when I was going to an appointment things have been different. But they shouldn't be because he wasn't involved in it and he helped me with the situation and after it, so I don't know why I'm struggling now to be as open as I used to be.

Yes my next appointment is in 2 weeks but I'm not sure it's worth me wasting his time anymore, it's basically just become a chat about what's happened in the past 2 weeks rather than discussing things i needs to so he can support me. Honestly other than having someone with me as support which we all know isn't going to happen, I don't think there's anything i can do. I write notes on my phone but I often don't look at it cos it's just rude to, I've written them on paper before but i can't read them out so it was my friend that came with me back then that did that for me.

I'm so exhausted after today and wish I could just rest but there's too much to do and other than sitting down for 5 minutes to reply to you I don't get to rest.

Anyway how's the day treated you?

@MissGremlin

I have gone through conversations I wanted to have with a person in my head over and over and over until the point where it feels so normal and easy to say that I wonder why I found it so difficult in the first place. Then of course I find myself in that face to face moment where I get to actually say it for real... and... nothing comes out. I can't explain it. I think you did about as well as I could... it drives me nuts too! 😂

Its just these emotional, trauma-based instincts we have. We rationalise them but in the moments where we've rationally decided what we should do... bang... the emotional response kicks and we do what we feel safe doing. That is what those emotional responses do, they keep us safe. And they're damn good at it! But that safety comes at a price. The price being we do everything based on those responses.

Your next appointment is a perfect example. You know you should go and try again. But that response is telling you right now to not bother and you'd only be wasting his time. That's just how this works. And it drives us nuts! 😂

When I was admitting to my psychologist a very similar struggle to bring something up with my GP that I said I was hesitant to do. Something I knew I should be didn't know why I thought I wouldn't, just that I was scared that I would freeze when I was there and not say anything... because I knew myself so well. She told me to write the stuff down before hand and hand the GP the note. I just told her "but then I would just not hand him the note".

We just need to find a way to make it easier to bring things up when you feel that freeze. Maybe set an alarm/timer on your phone to go off a few minutes into your appointment. When he asks what that's about, you have your opening. Or you could train Capser to hand him a note. We just need to find a way to quieten that emotional response for a few seconds... long enough for you to tell him what you need.

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@MissGremlin wrote:

Anyway how's the day treated you?

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Just delightful! Every minor inconvenience felt like a personal attack from the universe, but with jazz hands! 😁

@MJG017 stupid brains are so complicated, honestly who needs them 😂.

The emotional responses frustrate me so much, yes I know it's them trying to keep me safe but sometimes they aren't very helpful.

I could never set an alarm off in a public place, just the thought of that gives me anxiety 😂. And handing him a note isn't an option cos I'm so self conscious of my handwriting 😂.

I just don't know what to do right now and sitting with that is hard.

Oh I hate those days. Honestly i think we both write today off and try again tomorrow maybe 😂