Battles

Hello @MissGremlin!

I can see Casper is doing a little better today, yay. 🥰

How about you? How are you feeling after last night?

@rav3n we are back to the runs again 😞.

I'm in bed, I don't have the motivation to do anything.

@NightFury it's ok. That's not ideal when you are already struggling. Hoping things have settled a bit now?

Hello @AuntGlow, well I thought Casper was doing a little better but we have gone backwards again 😞.

Honestly last night was rough once I hopped off here. I'm not even sure exactly what happened for everything to spiral, it was like one minute i was fine the next i wasn't. I felt bad for the service that had to put up with me multiple times throughout the night whilst I worked hard to keep myself safe, but they were actually very understanding and supported me through the tough moments. Between Casper waking up needing to go toilet and me having panic attacks combined with the dark thoughts and urges, it just made for a very long night. Not proud of myself for letting things get so out of control at times but I really did try hard to reach out the minute I felt myself getting to that crucial point.

Today I went to the shops, came back home and went to bed which is where I still am. Still taking things one moment and one breath at a time. Think someone has buried my light somewhere and I'm having to dig my way through the darkness to find it, at least that's what it feels like 😂

How about you, how are you going today?

@NightFury shame is one i struggled to put into words for a while too. would it help if i asked questions/prompts? or would you prefer to table this topic for another time? whatever is most comfy for you!

@MissGremlin ahh nooo, hoping you get some more answers around what's going on for Casper. i've got my fingers crossed still that he'll be okay.

so fair, did you have a busy morning today? hoping you get some rest and recharge.

@MissGremlin no, they haven't settled. Maybe they're a little worse, now my brain's not occupied with work. But, you have things going on for you too at the moment. It sounds like last night was rough and today's been a hard day. Just know that we can sit in it together tonight!

@rav3n ask questions...please. I need to not sit in this space, I need to work through it. I just need a little help to do it. So, please prompt/ask questions.

@rav3n the vet really didn't have many answers at all which is just so frustrating. Trying hard to stay out of that headspace of what did I do to deserve this, I just feel like I'm being punished and that I'm not supposed to be happy and shouldn't have Casper. Deep down i know it's not true but it's just the brain is great at ruminating about these things.

I had to go to the shops which took alot out of me given I was already tired. So it wasn't busy as such just exhausting. It would be good if I could rest to actually recharge but there's things getting in the way of that at the moment.

I know i need to get up to do things but really lacking that motivation. Need a big energy boost, a sudden power surge maybe 😂

@NightFury oh I'm sorry to hear. Rough night, check, hard day, check. But you know what I'm still trying to fight my way through it all, they say things always get worse before they get better so maybe it means that it's going to get better soon. Who knows but we won't know unless we try.

We can definitely sit with it together tonight, we can take it one step at a time and fight through the dark moments together. There's a light at the end, it just seems to keep moving that little further away from us right now as we are trying to get to it.

Sending you hugs sweet, always here for you ♥️

@NightFury sure thing, i'm going to write out a few questions - take your time in reflecting on these questions, and answer whichever ones you want (you don't need to answer them all!!)

• are there other emotions besides 'shame' that you're feeling right now too?
• can you physically feel in your body, and if so where? (i.e. in the stomach, in the chest, etc. - i'll send a chart later so you can see why i asked)
• what were you doing/thinking of when the feeling of shame popped up? did something happen recently that triggered it?
• are there any particular thoughts or narratives that are popping up? (e.g., why don't they care? why can't i do this? etc)