Battles

@MissGremlin

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@MissGremlin wrote:

@rav3n the vet really didn't have many answers at all which is just so frustrating. Trying hard to stay out of that headspace of what did I do to deserve this, I just feel like I'm being punished and that I'm not supposed to be happy and shouldn't have Casper. Deep down i know it's not true but it's just the brain is great at ruminating about these things.

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exactly this!! i know it's hard to convince that part of us sometimes, but i assure you - you are NOT being punished. the sad reality is that bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people too - it's random a lot of the time! and that randomness can really suck. Casper is so very fortunate to have you looking out for him, and i reckon it's his good luck that he has you.

no wonder you're exhausted!! shopping takes a lot of energy outta of us. *initiating power surge launch to Dreamy*

@rav3n yeah I know. I just want things to go ok for a while for just nothing to go wrong, yes I know I'm probably dreaming there but a break is very much needed at the moment.

I managed to roll myself out of bed and I did my dishes, got things organised for tomorrow and made myself an iced coffee. Casper is sitting by his food waiting for dinner 😂

@MissGremlin you're so valid for wanting that break! if anyone up there is listening, please give Dreamy a break, it's well overdue... and a million dollars so she and Casper can go on a holiday to a tropical island.

that's amazing! haha aww, is he using his adorable face to guilt you into giving him food early?

@rav3n I can't do quotes on my phone...

1. Other emotions...

Shame, and frustration and...self-loathing.

2. Where can I feel it in my body?

I can feel it In my chest. It feels...like...just full but not a pleasant full, it feels like it's an exploding kind of full.

And...my jaw, has been clenched and tight all day.

I've also been anxious - but that's just me...that's normal.

3. Where was I when the shame came up? What was I doing?

It started last night when I applied for an extension for my assignment, then had to set study aside because my brain fizzed out. Then I read an email from my student support advisor and she wants to talk to me about my challenges at the moment. She wants to talk over the phone.

This morning, it was just going about my day...in the shower, then while I was hanging washing out on the line. Something come up this morning to add to the feeling of shame, but I'm not sure if talking about it here will go against guidelines.

4. Thoughts or narratives...

- Why can't I do this?

- I can't even help myself.

- All of this is too much, too hard. I'm weak and pathetic and can't even do the adulting properly.

- this morning...it was...I'm a mess. I'm gross and disgusting.

- I've also been doing the whole..."I'm a bad person for wanting time to myself, for not wanting to look after my niece, for setting boundaries that protects my own energy. It's selfish. I'm a failure. I'm...I'm a burden and a let down."

@rav3n awww thanks ♥️. Maybe one day I'll get a break but for now I'm very much stuck in the thick of things.

Casper is great at giving those puppy dog eyes to get what he wants 😂.

He lost his first puppy tooth yesterday 😊

Love this @rav3n!! This will be such an amazing reflection tool for you @NightFury. I might do this tonight too, I think I have some familiar thoughts and sensations popping up as well - so you're not alone at all. 💛

@AuntGlow thank you for sharing your experiences and that I'm not alone in these thoughts and feelings.

@NightFury if only you knew how much i related to these feelings back when i was studying. it's like i was so caught up and stress about the study side, that every other aspect of my life was too exhausting to handle. firstly, wanna send you some big hugs cos i know how overwhelming it can be to feel this, and have al those thoughts sit with you.

in terms of the physical sensations, you can check out the chart on here Emotional Body Chart: Map Your Feelings and Find Balance - you mentioned chest and jaw, based on those charts - it's usually wear feelings of anger, disgust, anxiety all sit. it's also where happiness and love can sit (aka the opposite end of the spectrum). which essentially means that we can soothe and teach those parts of our body that feels anger/disgust, etc., to feel the opposite or at least much more neutral.

sounds like balancing your studies alongside other aspects like family time is causing a lot of the overwhelm? it can be so easy for our mind to immediately think we're a failure and that it's shameful to be struggling at what others might be easing through. you are allowed to struggle!!! no one is perfect at everything, we have our own strengths and weaknesses, and it's okay to ask for help or a break. i imagine having to talk to your student support advisor doesn't help with the anxiety, but at the same time, i also wonder if this is an opportunity for you to get better support from them? maybe they can connect you with a counselling service or giving you details around 'special consideration' extensions? i didn't use any of the support options until my last semester when i was struggling with burn out and depression, i didn't even realise that there were options i could've used earlier.

with shame comes a lot of those 'icky' feelings right? are there things that help you feel warm and comfortable? do you have any healthy ways of managing the thoughts/feelings around shame?

@rav3n every aspect of my life is exhausting, and then I have study on top of that. I'm already exhausted and fighting brain fog every day. This is part of the problem - I can't access it like I used to be able to do. Study has been easy for me, but this...this feeling of wading through quicksand sand with it...is really hard. The content is heavy - and I can only deal with small chunks and then...afterwards, it triggers so many emotions.

I think it boils down to shame because I'm struggling with my mental health and I don't want to have that phone call with the student advisor because I'm embarrassed and ashamed of where I'm at, at the moment. I've tried to talk to them over email - and they can't put extra supports in place until I've gotten a diagnosis or documentation from my GP about how my mental health is impacting on my studies. I don't have an appointment until the 10th. This assignment is due on the 8th. So, it doesn't matter anyway....

I don't know about strategies for managing it tonight. I just feel icky and yucky within myself. And that makes me a little scared. I don't like that feeling.

@rav3n @AuntGlow anyone around to maybe go through a grounding exercise with me please?

Been hit with alot of big feelings all at once and brain is really going into self destruct mode.