Battles

Thanks @Till23, really appreciate you chatting to me 😊.

Hope you have a good night's sleep 😊

Good morning, @MissGremlin sounds like last night was rough, hope you're doing okay this morning.

@NightFury last night was rough in many ways. I've barely had any sleep and I'm feeling completely defeated today.

How are you going?

@MissGremlin I hope you get the opportunity to find some rest today. No sleep makes things really difficult.

I don't know if I have words to describe how I'm going...

I've tried many times on here and I don't know...something stops me, and I lose my words. I know I need to get things off my chest.

@NightFury I'm just laying on my bed trying to rest but it's really not working out too well.

I hate when you can't find the words to describe how you are feeling.

Always here if you want to get things off your chest, if you can find the words of course. Just remember it's ok if things don't come out right. I often think that trying to describe how I'm feeling and what's happening sounds stupid and like I'm just completely crazy.

I mean I am crazy but that's besides the point 😂

@MissGremlin maybe I am a little scared of that judgement...

I also don't want to take over your thread.

I'll try though because it needs to come out.

I am finding it really difficult to get through a day at the moment. Things feel so chaotic and I just feel...so very depleted energetically and mentally. Just this week alone I've experienced so many different states of being from severely anxious where I feel like I'm going to explode, to hyperfocused, to detached, to this weird mix of being utterly exhausted but driven by anxiety fueled adrenaline where I can't rest or shut down, to fighting brain fog and static. I've also had moments of regulation.

My own thoughts haven't been kind...ranging from wondering why nobody else at work struggles, why it seems to be just me, to being absolutely over having to always look like I've got it all together, to withdrawing and not being able to use words. I've been plagued by thoughts of always letting others down, frustration that I have to figure out life on my own, and intrusive thoughts that I haven't had in a while related to SI.

I've got physical symptoms - I'm in the middle of a psoriasis flare up, I've had a headache all week that I haven't been able to shake and sometimes I feel physically wobbly.

I had a panic attack on Thursday while driving home from work simply because...I was over stimulated. We had school photos and it was noisey and a lot going on at school and the music on the audio book I was listening to was too loud and...and something...like maybe it was too amped up.

My washing machine broke down on me - it won't spin or drain and it might be an easy solution. It might be a matter of being blocked, but I can't seem to deal with it or find the motivation to do something about it.

I'm overwhelmed by it all.

I'm also going to tag @Jynx and @tyme in this, if that's okay because we were talking about sharing and the struggles I've had with sharing this week, in another thread.

@NightFury firstly I don't mind you sharing anything in this thread. I completely understand that judgement feeling aswell.

Thankyou for sharing and I'm so glad you were able to get that all out and I hope you feel a little lighter now that you have shared it.

Going between different states is exhausting in itself and leaves you feeling completely overwhelmed with a mixture of things racing through you. I really do understand the feeling cos I go through so many feelings and emotions and tend to feel them all at once making it hard to actually get on top of one before trying to face the next.

I know it's hard to have those unkind thoughts but I'm sure others do struggle aswell even if they don't show it. Having to put on that brave face and pretend you have it all together is tough and takes so much out of you. I guess it's a matter of trying to have that safe space at home where you can allow yourself to wind down and practice some self care cos you definitely deserve that. Those thoughts of SI are hard but to be expected when things are so hard and being in such a heightened state will bring them out of the woodwork.

The psoriasis flare up wouldn't be pleasant to deal with and having a headache for so long is horrible. It sounds like your body really does need a chance to rest and recover which i know wouldn't be easy given your job and the amount of work that entails.

Having a panic attack is rough but again our bodies way of saying it's all too much and I can't take it. I get overstimulated when things are too noisy and there's too much happening all at once so I know how you feel there.

The washing machine breaking down at the worse possible time is just frustrating, I hate when it feels like it's just one bad thing after another. Finding the motivation to deal with that right now would be hard given everything else going on, but hopefully you can at some stage and it's just an easy fix.

With all of that being said what things do you like to do at home when you have time to yourself? I know you like doing the drawings on here which is a great distraction. Do you listen to music, watch and TV shows? I hear you listen to audio books, how do you find that, I've tried it myself but it just frustrates me same as podcasts.

@NightFury also I'll apologise in advance that it takes me a while to reply to longer messages. I struggle to comprehend so i have to break it down bit by bit and reply to each section gradually.

I can literally read something and barely remember anything of what I just read. Trauma really has affected my memory sadly. But yet i can watch a video on making something with origami or crochet and instantly be able to remember it.

@MissGremlin I'm feeling unsettled and nervey that I shared. My stomach is all twisty and I feel sick. It'll calm when my brain realises that it's okay.

I'm actually a little afraid. I don't know what's going on, or what's wrong with me. I don't know if things are getting worse, or if it's because I'm finally acknowledging it and accepting it instead of keeping it buried deep.

I know that my body is throwing a tantrum because everything is overwhelming and it's overloaded. It's hard feeling physically and mentally uncomfortable.

I don't do a lot at home. During the week it's a matter of coming home from work, cooking, doing jobs and staring at the TV. I like to draw, but don't do it very often. I listen to podcasts, audio books and watch TV but can't just sit and do that. I have to be doing something else too - fidgeting, on my phone, watching and reading the forums. I have my dog, who I walk daily and like to go out and throw the ball too.

And I study - which isn't really self-care material. I like to read when my brain isn't tired and foggy.

Also, there's no need to apologise...not at all. Take your time.

@NightFury just acknowledging that I've read your post. I'm just at the shops at the moment so I'll reply once I'm back home.

I'm the meantime take a deep breath and try to find something soothing to do. I know sharing is hard and questioning whether you should have or not is hard to sit with. But I'm really glad you shared and know that we are always here for you ❤️

Now to try and get through this shopping trip without having a panic attack, not sure how that's going to go.