Battles

@MissGremlin @Captain24 We're all here together doing the thing best we can with what tools in our boxes that work.

Big Bang in the background sounds good to me. I do that sometimes with The Office, The SIMs running while I'm doing other things, lol I even play a Youtube fireplace scene during the day sometimes when I'm feeling cold and want some ambience. There's something about the crackling and random pops that feel kind of soothing and....warm (go figure..ha)

I think your diamond art sounds so cool and interesting. I don't know if I have the attention span but I read that a few of you do it often. Maybe I should give it a go.

@hopeful_hannah that's true. It's just hard that what might work sometimes doesn't work another time, i find that I'm constantly having to change strategies.

I often have the TV on but I'm not focused on it but rather doing crafts, so it's just noise in the background. There's definitely something soothing about fireplaces, I miss when I lived on the farm and we had one, I could lay there for hours listening to it and watching it.

Doing diamond art requires concentration which is good when i need to focus. Plus at the end you get a beautiful picture made out of tiny little dots.

Today's been so hard, i really want it to be over already. I've honestly tried everything possible to keep myself distracted, to keep the thoughts at bay but they've been relentless. Not only has it been the thoughts but the urges that come so suddenly, the urge to do things to myself and visualising it happening. Right now there's still a part of me that can recognise that doing those things is not ok so at the moment I just keep doing what I can to stop myself from acting on anything. I don't know if that makes sense, my brain is a mess so it's hard to explain anything. It's exhausting having to constantly fight yourself, to fight your own mind, an internal battle that I'm being defeated by.

I reached out to a crisis service earlier today but it made things worse so I'm reluctant to reach out again at the moment and right now I don't need to a there's still that part of me that's fighting even though I'm completely worn down. I just want to rest, to let down my guard, to be able to breathe and let everything out. But I can't, not right now, it wouldn't be safe to. So for now I'm trying so hard to hold everything together, to hold it all in, to keep fighting for every next breath that comes, just hoping that it will get easier.

I'm safe for now, it's almost time to feed Casper and to do dinner. I just needed to get this out, feeling the need for connection today but struggling to actually make it happen.

Yes, @MissGremlin , that makes total sense. The exhaustion from your internal battle must be super-hard to tolerate. I hope that dinner has given you some physical nourishment, even if you still feel emotionally worn down. You’ve held it together the whole day today. Give yourself a pat on the back.

Thankyou @D4Dolphin, it's been such an incredibly tough day. I know that it's going to get harder now that it's dark, everything gets so much louder in my head when it goes quiet (I'm safe). I managed to eat a few mouthfuls of dinner. I've just sat in bed and I'm going to do some of my diamond art.

I’ve just caught up and seen this post from yesterday @MissGremlin.

I’m really sorry you were having such an incredibly difficult day. It sounds like you were working so hard to keep yourself safe while dealing with some really relentless thoughts and urges, and I’m glad you reached out here when you were needing some connection.

I hope today is feeling a little gentler for you. How are you doing today? 💛

I've written a poem to describe how things have been recently, it's my way of getting it out. I'll try to do the trigger warning from my phone but I'm not sure if it will work as I've never done it before. It's very dark i know but this is the reality for me right now, it's a fight to keep myself alive. I'm safe at the moment, sitting on my lounge with Casper and I've been doing my diamond art. I've managed to pick the 2 sections i think there needs to be a trigger warning, I hope it's ok please let me know if not.

I asked for help, they asked me why,

I told the truth, I did not lie.

I said I couldn't do this alone,

but they gave me numbers, then they were gone.

I made the calls, I tried again,

I told them where and how and when.

I said I needed someone there,

but every answer ended, “We don't care.”

I kept on trying, day by day,

while pieces of me slipped away.

I kept explaining all my pain,

just to be told don't call again.

I reached out once again on the phone,

knowing I couldn't cope with this on my own.

I tried to explain how bad it had become,

but the help I desperately needed never came.

I opened my eyes and wished them closed,

another failure, the feeling I know.

Another day that I have to face,

another fight I never asked to embrace.

There's no relief in being here,

just waking up to the same old fear.

No sudden strength, no grand new start,

just another morning breaking my heart.

I'm not really living, that's the truth,

I'm only existing, just making it through.

I eat when I have to, I sleep when I can,

I breathe because breathing is all that I am.

I watch the days go passing by,

while I just sit here and wonder why.

People keep living, laughing, moving on,

while I feel like I've been gone all along.

They tell me things will eventually change,

but every day feels exactly the same.

I've heard that promise more times than I know,

but I'm still right here, with nowhere to go.

I've tried to be patient, I've tried to be strong,

I've tried to believe that I could belong.

I've reached out for help more times than I can say,

and somehow I'm still being turned away.

I'm tired of asking, I'm tired of the pain.

tired of reaching out again and again.

Tired of telling somebody I'm not okay,

then watching them turn and walk away.

What am I meant to do with a life, that feels like nothing but constant strife?How many times can someone break before there's nothing left to take?

I don't want another lesson to learn,

another day of waiting my turn.

I don't want another morning to rise,

and have to face another day I despise.

Don't tell me I'm strong for making it through,

when you don't see what it's costing me to.

I don't want praise for surviving the night,

when being alive doesn't mean I'm alright.

Because I'm still here, but I'm barely alive,

I'm worn out and empty, just trying to survive.

I don't feel a reason to get through the day,

and I don't know how much longer I can stay.

I want someone to see what I cannot say,

to see how much harder it gets every day.

Don't give me a number and tell me to wait,

don't send me away cos it might be too late.

I need someone to stay when I say I'm done,

to understand this is serious, not something fun.

I've said that I'm struggling, I've said I can't cope,

but every time I reach out, they take away my hope.

So if this is living, I don't understand,

because I'm not living, I'm trying to withstand.

I'm simply existing from morning to night,

counting the hours, just trying to fight.

And maybe tomorrow I'll still be around,

though I can't find a reason, no hope to be found.

I'll face another morning, empty and numb,

and wonder how much longer until I succumb.

I wish I could say things might get better,

that someday I'll believe every letter.

But tonight all I have is the truth I can give,

I'm exhausted from trying, I'm too tired to live.

@hopeful_hannah my cuppa is nice but my throat is feeling scratchy 😞. Last thing I needed was to get sick, well physically sick on top of being so mentally unwell.

Hello @AuntGlow, I am dealing with alot of side effects as multiple medications are coming out of my system. I'm feeling so much anger towards myself for what's happened and I feel the need to punish myself for it. After 10 days of not being able to eat due to losing my appetite, I finally managed a little bit of bolognase tonight, though it's made me feel nauseous.

I saw my support worker today (usually Wednesday's) and I told her about what's been happening and how bad things have become. I talked to her about the possibilities of me going into a psychiatric place to get proper support and hopefully be put on medications while being closely monitored, she thinks it's a good idea. So that's something I'll discuss with my doctor on Tuesday next week.

I need to try to be gentle with myself but that's so hard with how much anger I'm holding.

How are you doing sweet?