Battles

Good morning @NightFury! How are you today? I am just catching up on notifications, but wanted to say that a day with your niece sounds so lovely. What are you getting at the cafe? 🤩☕️

Hi @AuntGlow things have been tough, but today, I have a little person to spend time with. We've been to the park, and now we're eating Maccas and watching Ariel and Luna is being fed her weight in chips!

That sounds really lovely and wholesome. @NightFury 🥹

How are you @AuntGlow?

I am well! Working on helping a friend with another show, which has been fun! What have you been doing to fill your cup as of late? I know things have been tough, but I often notice that you're able to gently pour back into yourself, even in your most challenging moments. 🥰 @NightFury

It sounde like you've been having some fun with your creative self!

Today with my niece has filled my cup @AuntGlow But my cup has been empty for a couple of weeks.

There's been so much going on for me lately and so many thoughts/feelings that have been racing through me. So I decided to write a poem to get things out. I'm safe for now, laying in bed with Casper and trying to connect with a crisis service.

I haven't slept, not properly for days,

I close my eyes and fear is all that stays.

The nightmares haunt me every time I rest,

then panic wakes me, pounding in my chest.

I wake up gasping, shaking in my bed,

with terror running through my heart and head.

I try to breathe, but every breath feels wrong,

I wish the night would end, but nights are long.

I dread the dark, I dread the morning too,I question just how I'm meant to get through.

There's no place inside my mind to hide,

the thoughts are there no matter what I try

I'm tired of fighting battles no one sees,

I'm tired of begging for my mind to ease

I'm tired of saying, "I'm safe, I'm fine,"

when I'm really at the end of the line

I feel like I'm losing myself a little each day,

like pieces of who I was are fading away.

I don't know when I stopped feeling like me

I just know this isn't who I used to be.

Then those thoughts come rushing back again,

they tell me I should finally end the pain.

They make escape sound easier than staying.

I'm so exhausted from constantly delaying

I crave the part of me that wants to die,

and sometimes I can't even ask it why.

That thought feels like something I desire,

like finally escaping what I can't survive

I cant bear to face another night awake

or another morning feeling like a mistake

I don't want another panic filled day,

or face another hour spent just trying to stay.

I want to escape the noise inside my head

I want some peace from everything I dread

I want one moment where my mind is still,

Not having to keep fighting against my will.

I'm desperate for relief, desperate for rest,

desperate to stop feeling this distressed.

I'm desperate for a break from being me,

desperate to disappear, to finally be free.

I've cried until there's nothing left to cry,

I've stared at ceilings asking myself why.

I've begged my mind to give me just one night,

one night without another endless fight.

I've tried to hold myself together somehow,

but now I simply don't know how.

I'm running on exhaustion, fear, and pain,

and every day it starts all over again.

I feel defeated, I feel completely worn,

I'm so very tired, I'm completely torn.

I feel so broken I don't know what's true,

every part of me is screaming "I'm through".

I want to escape from all of this,

I want the suffering and the terror to cease

I want to stop existing, it's such a strain,

I want to be free from the excruciating pain.

I don't want another nightmare in my sleep

I don't want these thoughts that dig so deep.

I don't want to fight myself from dusk till dawn,

I want somebody to understand the weight

the kind that makes you scared you're too late

The kind that makes escape feel like relief

The kind that makes you desperate just to breathe.

I'm scared of how badly I want this pain gone,

I'm scared of what my mind keeps pushing on.

I'm scared that I won't have the strength to fight,

I'm scared that I won't make it through the night.

And that's the part I dare not say aloud,

the part I hide from every single crowd.

I'm not asking for attention when I break,

I'm asking for some reason not to escape.

I want the pain to end, I want release,

I want to breathe, I want to be at peace.

I want an escape from everything I feel

I want to act to finally seal the deal

I need somebody to sit with me tonight,

and help me make it through until it's light

I'm tired of fighting battles I've already

fought,

so I admit that right now I need support.

Checking in @MissGremlin 

Hello @NightFury my sweet, things are really rough here. I'm safe.

How's things over there?

Hi @MissGremlin

I'm hearing how hard it is to hold on, to keep putting one foot in front of the other right now. I hope that even just sharing with us through this creative medium has been helpful, maybe helped you feel a little lighter. I'm glad that you're trying to stay connected, and reaching out to services when you can. The community is here for you, lending you strength <3