Battles

Hey @MissGremlin ,

Thank you for reaching out. I'm pleased to hear that the older threads are working again. Sorry that you're still having trouble accessing your favourites and subscribed threads. I can appreciate the frustration, and I want to thank you and everyone experiencing issues for being so patient.

Unfortunately, I'm not able to tag you in another member's thread from my side at this stage. However, if you're still experiencing issues, could you please submit a report via our Technical Feedback Form. That way our tech team can look into it.

Thanks so much!

~ @Honeymoon

Thankyou @Honeymoon, I'll see if I can send something through soon as there's another issue I'm encountering aswell. Technology is frustrating 😂.

Hope you have a lovely day ❤️.

@AlwaysMyself here's my thread ☺️

Thank you @MissGremlin . Sorry to hear you’ve got a cold/flu/bug again - sounds painful and miserable both :( . Glad you have Capser giving you snuggles, and hoping some family or friends are able to help out with ensuring you have food, drinks and medications if needed? Sending you wishes for a quicker recovery time, and for your body to get rid of it completely so it doesn’t get a hold again.

Hearing you on the painful 3 month reminder today. Sending extra hugs.

Not sure if I should say more on the topic or not, so if not please just ignore the following - but I also know for some it can be helpful/healing to be able to talk about it and not have it dismissed or ignored.

----

Not sure if I should ask what Monday “was meant to be”?

I am wondering whether the memory and pain elicits a feeling of “I don’t want to do this to anyone else, to cause them this pain too” or whether it has the opposite effect of wanting to end the pain even more? I can imagine both feelings being equally valid and understandable; perhaps even coexisting at the same time.

@AlwaysMyself having the cold has definitely taken a toll, I was stuck in bed for 4 days just unable to do anything. Unfortunately I have noone to help with anything so had to manage by myself which was hard as I couldn't stand for more than a few minutes before getting really giddy and having to sit/lay down. Thankyou sweet, really hoping I'm on the back end of it now as today hasn't been so bad and I'm feeling a little better.

Before I say anything I'll say that I'm safe. Monday I had planned an attempt, now being so unwell worked in the favour cos of not having the energy to physically do anything. But something happened in the afternoon that really upset me and then I was left with the feelings of regret of not going through with things and that's still stuck with me now and I know I'm still in a vulnerable situation (my doctor is aware).

The thing is that I don't feel that anyone would actually feel pain of me being gone. Even when I do think about the few people that I have in my life, I don't see any care from them in that sense. I'm not sure if that makes sense, it's hard to explain.

Again please know that I'm safe.

@MissGremlin I wondered if that may have been what it meant; one of a few options my mind threw me. I’m sorry things are in that place again/still. Hmm... I can be selfishly glad you got sick then? Because I like you being around here. I know that is selfish of me.

I’m sorry something triggered you on top of already feeling that way, and the pain of feeling what you wish despite not acting on it. I’m glad your doctor is aware of it and that you’ve been honest with them so they can try to give you as much support as they can and hopefully together find a way forward week by week to address the underlying reasons — but i know how hard this has been due to not having available support/treatment options.

Whilst of course not the same, I relate to some of your thoughts about other people not caring. I know logically that my family & friends would be sad and upset if I passed - after all, people get upset when a celebrity they don’t know at all passes away. And some of them I know would genuinely feel grief and loss because they like talking / spending time with me when they do. However, I also feel that I am not a priority for them, which is evidenced by their lack of regular contact or spending of time with me, or lack of interest in 1:1 (for some who only see me in a group and don’t accept invites for 1:1 catchups or activities). I’m OK with not being a priority in someone’s life - we all have a limited number of things we can spend time & energy on - and it doesn’t devalue me, however I also perceive it as their choice and that if they were to have “regret” about not connecting with me more whilst I was alive then that’s on them, not me. That’s not my guilt, just as my actions are not their guilt or fault. They’re not obligated to care more about me; but if they really did then perhaps their actions would show it - especially those close friends who know I have longterm suicidal desire and what this year means.

I would miss you. Even though that doesn’t count for much because we don’t know each other or get to spend time together. I’d never know what happened; I’d prefer to know. I remember a previous time when I “read between the lines” on a post in advance; I spend the whole next day or two wondering what was happening for you and if I would hear from you again. I was glad when I did hear that something had come up to interfere with the timeline. I wish I could tell you some timeline-interuption stories, there has been too many coincidental ones (I am/was safe - these were not attempt-interruptions; but things which the doc was glad I did not do).

Hello wonderful people @MissGremlin @AlwaysMyself,

I just wanted to stop by and let you know that I would miss you both, very much. 🥹

And I am so glad to hear that you're both safe and have each other for support.

Please know that even though the tech issues have made communication hard this week, we are still here for you, we still care, and we want to support your recovery as much as possible. 🥰

Being able to share how you feel so vulnerably and authentically is a huge facet of healing, and I am always so proud of the work you both put in to navigate some pretty big feelings - that takes immense amount of courage and capacity, which I think deserves acknowledgment.

Is there anything you may be needing from the community right now? And how are you practicing self-care tonight?

Big hugs. 💛

@AlwaysMyself it's been constantly on my mind but more in the background until recently. My doctor is concerned about how the next few weeks will go as the school holidays are a huge trigger for me.

I've only got my doctor for support now really. The counsellor was forced to give up on me, the mental health team closed off on me and the support worker has contacted me once in the past 4 weeks. I finally heard back from the service that I was waiting for a letter about the previous psychology appointments that I had with them and unfortunately not once did the psychologist mentioned that we'd covered DBT and CBT during the 43 sessions we had and the 200+ pages of paperwork that she wrote. So there goes my chance of applying for NDIS again, so another chance for support is gone.

Completely get what you mean, I'm never anyone's priority. The only family I have is my mother and my 2 kids that live with her, things that have been said by her and my oldest child suggest that there's no care about if I acted on things but rather encouraged it. I only have one physical friend that I get to see and that's very limited and if I'm struggling then to them it's like I don't exist. Thing that hurts the most is that they know what's at risk and that their life would change forever if I were to actually go through with anything.

I'm sorry those close friends aren't more present for you even knowing what this year means.

I appreciate you more than you know, the day that you connected with me here when you read between the lines and just showed that someone cared, that meant so much to me. There's many stories of both failed attempts and ones that have been interrupted that I've gone through over the years and I know that it doesn't stop there. For now that plan has been pushed back to sidelines, it's not gone by any means and it's there if it's needed but I don't have an active date set, that's about as good as it gets, it will never go away, I'll never not have it there and ready to go. For what it's worth I'm incredibly glad that you're still here sweet, I know things are far from easy and it's hard to see any hope of things changing but despite that we're still actively trying to get support in the hope that things could one day be different.

I'm safe, snuggled in bed with Casper and I'm going to do some diamond art.

Hello @AuntGlow, thankyou sweet ❤️.

It's definitely not always easy to navigate the big feelings around such sensitive subjects but knowing that you're not alone with them and that someone truly gets it really helps.

As for needing anything from the community, for me that's just connection and to be heard. For self care well I'm snuggled up in bed with Casper, an iced coffee and my diamond art.

Thankyou for the hugs ❤️.

Simply being heard and respected (not marginalised for those thoughts/feelings) can be so helpful, eh @MissGremlin . I think a lot of people undervalue it. I didnt have it as a child, teen or adult - with a very few exceptions. I was saying to someone earlier today about how one aspect of the recent treatment i had was how the pdoc held space for sitting together in how i felt, gently asking about the deeper pain at times but not in a cognitive way; in a way that reflected the pain as being perceived and accepted and exploring it.

I'm curious about the ndis comment re: psych letter not mentioning cbt and dbt. None of my past letters noted having done dbt; one of them mentioned cbt (because medicare referrals). However in my summary letter from my GP we listed modalities included over the years of counselling ("including CBT, DBT, ImRS, IFS", etc) even though the psychs letters to GP didnt specify the modalities. The reason i mention this is that my application has just been accepted. If they needed it specified as DBT & CBT modalities then the list on my GP summary must have been enough to satisfy them. (I had lots of letters over years that evidenced ongoing severe history & attempts to access supports, but they usually didnt mention what treatment involved, only how my condition was at the time for a new referral.)

I've experienced the closed-door from the public system too. If i had bipolar or schizophrenia or addictions i would get support from them. But chronic severe suicidal depression? No supports.

I wish i could change the system for you. It feels like its unseen, this "gap" in models of care that dont recognise non-hospitalised severe chronic dep/pstd/anx.

I'm sorry your mother and eldest child have said hurtful things and show a lack of care or concern (and worse!). Thats not how everyone sees you, and perhaps reflects more on them than it does on you, i wonder?

Do you have any theories on why your friend seems to be less available when you are most in need?

It can be so hard to know if its just unfortunate timing, or whether its because they are uncomfortable to sit with pain and dont know what to say or do. I've had both happen to me. Neither helps in the moment! But if its just poor timing at least its worth asking at other times. My friends tend to be very busy, so its usual that theyre not available (the very rare times ive reached out). I know they care because if they werent available, they check-in with me the next day when they can. Thise who dont care or are scared of emotional pain, they dont.

I'll be here for a little while at least. As you say, options sit on shelves and we can pursue alternative tries to improve things in the mean time. Have a few different possible treatments tabled at current - will likely know which one(s) we explore first in about 2 weeks or so. I am very lucky that i can explore these non-standard treatments if i choose to, but only because i have nothing left to lose that i am willing to. I wish i could donate the treatments to you instead!