Tonight has been incredibly hard, the thoughts got too much for me to hold and I gave in to old habits. I'm safe, laying in bed snuggling with Casper. But I wrote this poem to get things out and describe how I'm feeling.
Tonight the noise would not be still,
it pressed against my fading will.
I tried to reason, tried to wait,
but every thought became too great.
I knew the path my mind would take,
I felt it bend and start to break.
The urge returned and it was so strong,
it stayed with me the whole night long.
I told myself to let it pass,
to hold on tight and make it last.
But every minute dragged so slow,
until finally I gave in and let go.
The thoughts grew louder in my head,
saying things like 'you should be dead'.
They spoke of giving up the fight,
and filled the silence of the night.
I tried to push those words away,
but they were there to lead me astray.
I searched for strength that used to be,
but found a stranger staring back at me.
The fight that once felt hard but fair,
now seemed too much for me to bear.
Each time I stood, each time I tried,
a part of me just stepped aside.
I felt so empty, worn, and numb,
as if I'd come completely undone.
No anger left, no tears to cry,
just questions that left me asking why?
The urge became so hard to face,
it took up every bit of space.
I knew I should have walked away,
but something in me made me stay.
I lost control of things tonight,
and watched them slip beyond my sight.
A fear settled deep inside my chest,
and wouldn't allow me to rest.
I never thought I'd be in that place,
or see that fear upon my face.
But there I was, alone and scared,
unsure how much of me was there.
The room was quiet, time stood still,
yet I was fighting with my will.
Not against someone I could see,
but against what was inside of me.
I wish I had some answer clear,
some way to make it disappear.
Instead I'm left with what remains,
the ache, the shock, the hurt, the stains.
And now I sit and think it through,
not knowing what I'm meant to do.
Just knowing that this night was real,
and knowing everything I'm left to feel.
So these are words that I can give,
of how it feels sometimes to live.
To carry pain from day to day,
and watch myself fade away.
I do not write because I'm strong,
but rather cos something’s very wrong.
I write because I need a place,
to tell the truth of what I have to face.
The truth is that tonight was hard,
and it's left its own enduring mark.
The truth is that I'm still worn through,
and still don't know what I'll do.
But this much at least I know is true,
the night was long and i barely made it through.
And though I'm still struggling as I write,
these words are here, and so am I tonight.
I don't know what tomorrow has in store,
or if I'll be able to fight some more.
But if it's anything like tonight,
then I think I'll give up the fight.
@Jynx
