Tonight has been a challenge, thoughts have been dark and heavy with alot of things racing through my head and it's hard to sit with it all alone. So to try and get things out I've written a poem about it. Please know that I'm safe for now, trying to get through to a crisis service which I've been trying to for over 2 hours now. Until I can get through I'm laying in bed, snuggled up with Casper.
There was a time I'd freely speak,
when life felt hard and I felt weak.
I thought that I could share my pain,
without regret, guilt or shame.
That place no longer feels the same,
now every talk becomes a game.
I think of what I shouldn't say,
and push more of myself away.
It feels like what I think and feel,
will never matter or seem real.
Like people listen, but don't see,
the things that are consuming me.
I feel let down when I need care,
and find that no one's really there.
So I keep more and more inside,
with nowhere left for it to hide.
I tried for hours to get through,
to crisis lines I thought would do.
But lines were busy, chats fell through,
and proved my darkest fears were true.
That kind of silence hurts the most,
when you’re already at your lowest.
To do your best and still be stalled,
and feel like you don't matter at all.
I feel like I'm a burden too,
like that's the only thing I do.
Take up space and ask too much,
and lose the people that I trust.
The nightmares wake me from my sleep,
and drag me somewhere dark and deep.
My heart is racing, I can't rest,
with panic pounding in my chest.
I close my eyes and see it still,
the same scenes playing at their will.
Again and again they fill my head,
long after I've left my bed.
The panic follows through the day,
no matter what I do or say.
I try to focus, try to cope,
but struggle just to hold on hope.
The thoughts of suicide are so strong,
they've stayed with me for far too long.
I fight them more than people know,
though one day know that I have to go.
I'm tired of hurting every day,
and carrying it all this way.
I'm tired of feeling so alone,
and fighting battles on my own.
I'm exhausted beyond belief,
of living underneath this grief.
It's become too much to bear,
too much when I'm not shown care
Now I'm ready to let go,
the world will finally know.
That everything got way too tough,
and I said 'right that's enough'.
I think I'm ready to finally face,
the plan that I have in place.
I'll never have to face another day,
as right here I now fade away.
