So yesterday was a really dark and heavy day, today isn't feeling any better. I've just finished the poem that I started yesterday in an attempt to get things out of my head. I'm safe for now, sitting on my lounge, snuggled with Casper and I'm going to sort out the gems for my next diamond art that I will start tonight. Also have my support worker coming at 11am today so will see how that goes.
I count the seconds as they pass,
my mind in shards like broken glass.
The days all blur, the nights repeat,
I stand alone and admit defeat.
I don't know how I'm living now,
I'm just trying to get through somehow.
I barely sleep, I barely eat,
worn down beneath relentless grief.
I don’t feel real most of the time,
like something snapped inside my mind.
I stare at walls for hours straight,
too numb to care, so close to my fate.
Every night’s the f*ck!ng same,
nightmares burning in my brain.
I wake up shaking, drenched in fear,
trying to breathe but death feels near.
I wake up choking every night,
panic racing through my mind.
My body goes numb, my chest is tight,
and nothing tells me that I’m alright.
My heart beats hard inside my chest,
there’s no such thing as sleep or rest.
I’m tired of fighting with my head,
every part of me wishes I was dead.
The nightmares never really end,
they come to haunt me once again.
I see things move, I hear my name,
like my mind is playing some cruel game.
The suicidal thoughts don’t stop,
and lately they are building up.
It scares me how close I can get,
to ending everything as plans are set.
I don’t know what's real anymore,
what’s in my head, what’s behind the door.
I barely trust the things I see,
there’s nothing left of me.
I hallucinate and lose what’s real,
I don’t know what I’m meant to feel.
I hear and see things late at night,
and nothing in my head feels right.
I ask for help, then feel ashamed,
like I’m the one to be blamed.
Like I’m a burden people bear,
too broken for anyone to care.
Everyone says hold on somehow,
but I don’t see a future now.
I just survive from hour to hour,
sitting in the corner I cower.
I think about it every day,
how easy it would be to go away.
No final words, no grand goodbye,
just disappearing, noone would cry.
And honestly I don’t know why,
why it is that I even try.
Maybe it’s fear, but maybe it's time,
time to leave this world behind.
I stopped believing help exists,
or that I’m someone worth the risk.
People get tired, people leave,
then it's another loss to grieve.
I don't want to fight, don't want to exist,
these thoughts I can no longer resist.
This is where it all comes undone,
my life is over, that's it, I'm done!
@AuntGlow @Jynx @Ru-bee
