I'm stuck awake and sitting with thoughts that are so loud and intense. Yes I'm tired but my brain just won't switch off so I've written this to both say how things are feeling and to try to get it out. Not sure if it needs a trigger warning but please put one in if it does. I'm safe for now and laying in bed with Casper.
I lie awake when everything is still,
and feel the weight come against my will.
It’s always there, it creeps in slow and deep,
and takes over the moments meant for sleep.
I know how close I am to giving in,
I feel the thoughts building up within.
They don’t ease off, they're here to stay,
they wear me down a little more each day.
I try to push them back, I try to cope,
I tell myself to hold on to some hope.
But it feels weak and harder now to find,
when every thought is taking up my mind.
I’m not ok, I’m closer than before,
like I might act on what I fight to ignore.
And every day I question if I’ll break,
if one bad moment’s all it’s gonna take.
Lately it’s closer than it’s ever been,
not just a thought, it feels like giving in.
And in those moments I’ve got nothing left,
no strength to fight, just empty in my chest.
I don’t know how I’ve managed not to fall,
there’s no clear reason I’m still here at all.
It doesn’t feel like courage keeps me here,
just something small that's buried under fear.
And that’s the part that scares me more each day,
that it might fade or slowly slip away.
That one bad moment, one too-heavy night,
I won’t have anything left in me to fight.
I’m tired of having to be this strong,
of being scared that it will all go wrong.
Of watching every thought that starts to slip,
and forcing myself not to lose my grip.
I wish I didn’t have to think this way,
didn’t feel this worn down every day.
Didn’t have to measure every breath,
against the pull that’s always close to death.
And still I’m here, though I don’t know why,
still choosing not to act, just getting by.
Not hopeful, not okay, not feeling fine,
just holding on one moment at a time.
I'm not sure for how much longer I'll try,
cos I'm tired of just barely getting by.
So if I slip and lose the battle one night,
I hope you'll remember how hard I tried to fight.
