I have a long history of trauma and abuse both past and current (including being raped and physically assaulted while i was in DV relationships).
● You know about my situation with losing my children which is something I struggle to live with knowing how much I messed things up.
● Then there's the anxiety and panic attacks, the day time ones i can tolerate as they are not as severe but the night time ones are completely debilitating, waking up shaking, heart pounding, struggling to breathe and that lasts for hours before it calms down enough to go back to sleep. Sometimes they are triggered by nightmares other times it just happens and it's an every night occurrence which is incredibly exhausting, it's been about 16 months like this now.
● I don't find joy in anything and that's been for as long as I can remember. Colouring, crafts, music etc used to bring me at least a little bit of comfort but now they have become tasks, just a way to keep myself distracted so that I stay safe.
● I have flashbacks on a daily basis that are so severe that I can't work out what's real and what's not. I've tried so many ways to keep myself grounded and to bring myself out of them but the only thing that works is SH.
● Medications not working for me and in fact making things worse causing severe side effects. Like the flashbacks starting after trying a medication and never stopping.
● There's seeing things happening to me in graphic detail and hearing voices telling me to do things to myself in relation to Sui and SH. This was also brought on by medication and hasn't stopped despite my doctor saying it would.
● The current housing situation that I'm in and knowing that I'm about to be homeless, this means losing everything I have and going through something incredibly traumatic again that I just simply cannot face cos this time I wouldn't be able to fix things.
● Being let down by every service possible despite trying so hard to get help. Including a psychologist telling me that I'm a lost cause and that I deserved everything I get, (this was when i was stuck in an abusive relationship) he chose to side with my abusive partner. Various other services have told me that I'm too complex and that they can't help me.
● Losing 4 dogs within a 5 year period including 2 on the same day and then my assistance dog at 3 years old.
There's more things but I'll leave it at that for now.
As for the SI, I've lived with it since I was about 12 years old (I'm 39 now) but it's the severity of it that has increased throughout the years and now it's at a point where it's just constantly there and it's relentless.
Just in case it needs to be said, I'm safe.
