Life can be a Pain

Hi @Faith-and-Hope

Thanks for your little tag here - I appreciate that

I seem to have lost a post - I wrote a long one and it seems to have disappeared - I guess I will have to write it again - but the re-write is never as good as the one we lose

I understand how it is with you and WH - it took a lot of reading - you did put up a lot on WH's disorder at the time and I read it and re-read it and thought a lot - I don't think I could do what you are doing - my ex-h refused to attend Marriage Counselling after the first couple of sessions and I kept going for years - and that didn't work

But every one is different - I know your background is different and based more on family and there are things that I would never have taken into consideration myself - but you have - and I admire you for this

But now it comes to your children and things are ramping up - I do want to keep in touch with what is happening - this has to be hard for everyone involved

I care Faith - and continue to support you

Dec

Hi @Former-Member

I wrote a reply to this earlier - quite long and one of those we put a lot of thought into and when we lose those it is tough - the re-write is never easy

I am the brown bird with the caring eyes - yes - I care about everyone

And I am glad you have a sense of inner peace about selling your house - it is never easy though and you still have to think of what to do after that - we all need somewhere to live

I guess if you have a caravan you can live in it wherever you are and tow it when you want to move around - quite a thought that - I might do it myself if I could drive

I understand how your family is - this has to be something you think about a lot - you need always to think of yourself first though because in doing that you can do your best for everyone if you are focussed on the long term and not the immediate which can be over-powering

I am seeing my doctor again today - and telling him I am not interested in a knee replacement right now - too much angst in having surgery - I spoke with my case-worker about an hour ago - hard work - I have found this whole thing with my knee a shock and the thought of surgery is more than I can focus on - I have many reasons for this

btw - did your aunt fill you in on why your mum is going to hospital - when and for how long

I wish you the best with that

Dec

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope

I found my post - I started clicking on avatars and found it in @Former-Member thread

Life is not easy - no it is not

I am seeing my doctor about my knee this afternoon - I am sure an operation is not the right way to go for me - I am entitled to my choices but there are times I am not sure other people are sure about that - professional people I mean - but my doctor knows me well enough to leave it up to me - thank heavens for that

There are alternatives - cartilege transplants and stem cell therapy - and then there is always lasting it out

I have to shower and get ready and right now I feel that's too hard - but I also know I will get there

Dec

Thanks @Owlunar, losing posts bugs me too. When its a longer one I try to remember to draft it offline and cut & past & upload to sane when finished. But think this post is longer than planned so forgot 😕 lol

No, my aunty is careful not to repeat things, but I have learned too there's no point asking because mum lies to everybody, she's always been emotionally needy (stressed out) and stories become conflicting and... difficult to explain. Think mum has always had that broken record in her head that everyone hates her, so she sabotages herself to prove it - or so it seems. So kuchbpain there. If ever I try to pin her down for details she gets defensive: "I don't know, I don't want to talk about it anymore..." Its like a pouting 6yo, I don't know how to work with it, honest.

My baby bro is worried, he tx me this morning to tell me mums taking herself into hospital tomorrow 😕 Told him we can't just admit ourself to hospital. Said he didn't know that. All strange since yesterdays chat with dad wanting me there (to cook & clean) while mums in hospital 'in about a month he said' and now its tomorrow 😕 I just rang again - mums mobile and only spoke to her. Asked "what's all this talk about you going into hospital? She snapped at me saying " i didnt say that! "But dad and bro are, and they're getting it from you so i just trying to figure out whats going on as dad has asked me to come down to help like I did last time..." Turns out there's nothing specific 'hospital' in the wind (but maybe that fear / anxiety of dying getting closer, terminal cancer & all, waves of panic). She did say she had a palliative care apt 12th. I asked her if she wants me to come down for that "you just look after your dad, you've always been 'pro dad' anyway" she growled (which is not true and hurts). I reminded her I want to help her too but need to know what she wants. I reminded her she calls all the shots there, even over dad who's dependent on her now" She just got defensive and accused me of being rude. Then she complained about Bro2 visiting her when she was too sick yesterday, and how my sis & him are going behind her back trying to force her into care... Then complained "he never visits, and he's not compassionate, and doesn't care anyway..." It exhausts me to listen to, Its a never ending spiral of hopelessness. You could do without. Definitely don't want to live there, problem is dad needs 'live in' help re dementia.

Anyway, I'm not rushing down just yet. Get rid of chest infection first, and have a big garage sale pending & potential house buyers in the wind. But might do a quick trip before I move.

🏠About what I'm doing after leaving here (inevitable due to upkeep) - The suicide option has faded, realised there is workable, even hopeful alternatives. There is a quaint 2BR villa i have my eye on, that I can afford in another small town 45min from here, and closer to a city. There'll be enough to pay off my small mortgage, upgrade my car/modest mobile home. The Villa is low maintenance, no steps for ageing, better to leave my son to rent out (oe whatever) when i die. That would be ideal. But it all rests on a sale - so have to really focus more at decluttering v the hoard which is reeeeeeally hard for me. Present moment is healthier. Even Jesus said "do not worry about tomorrow"

Hope your visit with Dr is favourable. Surgery should always be a last resort, especially the older we get. Pray about it Dec. 💜💕

Tawney's Magic Soup 🍜 with love 💜💕

Hi @Faith-and-HopeFaith-and-Hope 💜💕🌻 I see you there

Love and best wishes for you too. Holding you both in the light. The good thing about doing that is having to standvin the light myself ☺ God is Good 🌷🌿

Hi @Former-Member

Actually I found the first post - so you got both of them - ah them's the breaks when we have our mind elsewhere as I do today

I got through the weekend without bothering myself too much - but talking to my case-worker stirred me up - I told her I had someone coming from the Federal ACPS on Wednesday and I am finding it hard to do normal tasks right now and she said "Don't worry - he will see you on a bad day and this will work better than if your place was tidy"

Um yes - and you are right - surgery has to be the last resort - I am terrified of it but there are other things

About your Mum - she is really set in her ways and oddly - I can related to that because I am - but then I am able to cope with people coming in twice and week and doing things to keep the place clean - so it is clean if untidy

On Thursday I had too much pain and I had a person from a different agency who kept asking me what I wanted to do with this and that - I frankly didn't care - and she was a friendly person and great with the shopping and she ironed all my shirts but fastened every button - ah why?

But on the other hand mostly I find my helpers friendly - but independence - that's maybe what your mother is afraid of losing - but I can talk about that - it seems your Mum can't or won't - and she can really hurt with her comments.

My mother did that so I understand - and I am so sorry you have to go through this too. Nothing much you can say will stop this from happening. She self-sabotages and pouts - aw - that has to be painful - 6 year old behaviour - my mum was like that too - very co-dependent alll her life but I don't think anyone else could see it

You Dad does need daily care and I think he has a Gold Card or DV Card or something from being in the army so this is something you could chase up - I think you have tried this before but if your mum goes into hospital - or alas - I hate to say it - but dies - then this is something that could help your Dad

A lot for you to deal with and you have your de-cluttering and house-sale and finding somewhere else as well and that has to be first - that little place you spoke of sounds pretty good and you could make some new contacts there and it might be better - it seems this could be a really decent start for you and I do wish you the best

So much happening - but you do seem better than you did at the beginning of all of this - but really hard too - I know

My doctor is pretty good - he is leaving it up to me about what I want to do - which is good - and having medical insurance means I don't have to wait - I am still feeling a bit shaky after telling my case-worker and she thinks surgery is a good idea - you know it is always hard to contradict someone when we know better for ourselves what is best - LIKE TODAY - which is all I am thinking right now

Sending hugs and wouldn't you know - the gardener has turned up to mow the lawn - all I need when I am feeling fragile - I had better turn the TV on even if I am not watching it

I love our chats - take care with yourself - you need to get over whatever it is first - and I am thinking of you constantly

Dec

Hi @Owlunar

I just wanted to let you know that your post earlier was unfortunately rejected due to the mention of a specific medication. I have sent you an email with the post included so that you can copy and paste. I hope that helps!

hey hello @Former-Member, it has been a while my friend , how are you