Life can be a Pain

Thanks for your thoughtful post @Former-Member

I have had chronic pain for a long time now. I have been seeing a private specialist for a couple of years now and he has intervention procedures that work well though through the lock down it was hard to get the fluid replacement injections that work in my shoulder and ease the pain from an irrepairable injury

I had one of those on Monday - the week might have bee easier had I not been getting taxis here there and everywhere since - twice to the dentist to have my partial denture repaired - then to my GP for my regular weekly visit and then my COVID booster when they had a cancellation yesterday.

But it's a lot better than it was

My mother - yes - I read on the forum that you have a - what word should I use? - controlling mother. I was unable to reconcile with my mother before she died and for my own sake I forgave her after I had some therapy. I had to use Tough Love with my son - I had to use it with my mother too - toxic relationships are vexatious to the spirit and we are better off without them.

I'm sorry you have to endure this too - I do understand - I will keep my eye out for the discussion on controlling mothers if they have one - or - we can have it in the forum

Thanks again and all the best for Christmas

Dec

Hi @Owlunar

how are you this morning?
it's a nice day today. Thinking of you ♥️Xx

I'm okay today thanks @BlueBay

I wish you the best for Christmas - and yes - it is a lovely day today

Dec

Gentle Hugs @Owlunar

@BlueBay @Former-Member

:

I am not sure about the whole forgive thing. Yes I have let go in the sense that I do not get angry, but never really did. I just had to pick up the many pieces around my mother and plug a lot of gaps and take blame deflected from her to me. Forgiving may be overrated or alright as a casual truism. It can also prolong problems by encouraging passivity. I was far too forgiving during my entire life with my mother and she was just bloody determined to rub her supposed superior moral goodness in my face up to and after she died. I understand what went on from a psychoanalytical point of view .... and her diagnosis of Schizophrenia ... and her trauma ... my mother's defences were very strong probably due to being in war. In that way she was opposite to me. One thing I am currently working on is finally developing my defences. Nuff sed.

Hope we all have as good a christmas as possible ....

Apple

Have a lovely Christmas @Owlunar and @Appleblossom

enjoy the day as best you can xxxxooo

@Appleblossom

Hi Apple

Forgiveness may be a semantic puzzle - who really knows what it means

I spoke to my father's brothers after my mother died and also got her father's war records from

Canberra

So - after digesting all of that along with my memories - well - I think I found some reasons for my mother's behaviour. Reasons are not excuses though.

I forgave her because I didn't want to carry her spite around for the rest of my life - I knows she tried to break our spirits - my siblings - it's up to them - I had too much spirit for her and it was her loss.

We all know our own stories and our own sorrow - we sort it out as we go - I have no regrets about my mother's choices now but I am sorry she made those choices

What you do with your mother's behaviour is your decision - something are very deep - psychological pain is always unique and - it's real

I wish you a peaceful Christmas though and send my love

Dex

hey @Owlunar @Appleblossom

i know i have a lot of work to do still when it comes to my mum.

Yesterday i wasn't angry that she and dad didn't come to my house for Christmas. I was more sad for them, sad that they stayed home alone as they have done for the past 2 years because of Covid. Still it's their decisions, something i cannot change or force them to change.

But yes i am working on this, and i think it will take a long time to sort it out in my head. xxxxx

Dear @BlueBay

Christmas Hugs

I made a decision this year that my mother and her shenanigans had taken up too much of my thoughts and that I would limit it this year. Yesterday, somebody made a toast to "absent friends" which was actually a good way to acknowledge those realities, but not give them too much emphasis or reminding or upsetting my son about his sister and my sister. I think I will include it in the future. Making an effort to begoin celebrating my life for me. It is an odd and unexpected journey. Each year it has bothered me less. Hope you find peace with it too, although I know your situation is different and parents are still alive. You deserve your energy to heal you, if you cannot get what you want from them .... I find gentler thoughts help ... like putting it all to rest .... kind of thing.

Hi @BlueBay

I am glad you are understanding more now that your parents' behaviour is your choice and really nothing to do with you

And the way your mother sees your brother as her "only child" indicates perhaps she really does have some kind of emotional blindness -

And it does take hard work to move on for it but remember - it is not reflection on you if someone else sees you in such a way - after all - it's none of your business how other people see us or think of us or whatever they think

COVID has been hard on everyone - and I am wondering when it will stop - perhaps we will learn to live with it - as we do with the flu - with annual injections

Sending my kindest thoughts

Dec