Invisible and insignificant

@Glisten i don't even remember the last time that I just felt safe, where I didn't feel scared or hurt.

I can't even remember a time when I was even just me, without having to put on a mask and pretend that everything is ok.

I miss the old me, the me that had fun, the me that laughed and enjoyed life, the me that had a job and made it as assistant manager before my life started falling apart, the me that had so many friends at one point until I was forced to give them all up, the me that had fight and let nothing get them down. You know what I can't even remember what I was truly like, I've been this way for so long that everything else is just a blur. Did I really even have a different life to this or was it all just a dream.

I just hate when life kicks you down and keeps you down.

Proud of you for getting your tax returns done ❤️.

@MJG017 thanks for sharing another part of your story and my heart truly breaks for you knowing how wrongly you have been treated throughout your life.

You never deserved to be treated that way and I'm glad you can see that now. You are so worthy and important not only to your partner but here on the forums. I hate that life has dealt you such a cruel blow with your health and I hate that thought of the possibility of you not being around for many years to come. You were one of the first people I connected with on here and you have made such a big impact on how I'm starting to see things and learning to not blame myself for everything.

I grew up without a Dad, I didn't know his name until I was 18 and I had never seen a photo of him. My mother told me that he wanted nothing to do with me when she told him that she was pregnant with me, she then told me that he was killed in a motor cycle accident. My mother being a compulsive liar I never believed it, something just didn't sit right. So I attempted to make contact as the address i was given was still under the family name. Turns out he isn't dead and he actually made contact with me several years ago now after getting letters that i sent to him, but we never met and only a few messages were exchanged. I've still never seen a photo so I have no idea what he looks like and I never will. Every father's day my heart breaks that little bit more as I have only ever wanted to just see a picture to just know what he looked like.

If only everyone in the world was as kind as the people here in the forums.

@Former-Member

If i recall correctly, a month or so ago you wouldn't have even considered it was possible to begin to learn not to blame yourself for everything. I think that's a massive step forward. If any of my inanely bashing away at the keyboard has helped you get there, then I happy it's helped, but more happy that you've got yourself to that position. My keyboard is happy as well that all those pudgy digits repeatedly smashed down on it have been worthwhile. 😁

That sucks about your dad. Having those unanswered questions is sooo hard. Even getting some of those answers, can just bring more questions. And often, even the answers we get don't bring the peace we thought they would. It's hard.

I always had the same feelings with mother's day. It always made me think of my biological mother and all these questions would resurface at once and it made it a very difficult day. Once I got into my 20's then father's day also became hard. Not because of my father, but more that is was a reminder of another year had passed and I wasn't a father myself. I think that was has sort of taken over because that one got worse every year.

I'm just curious as to why contact with your father stopped. Have you ever thought of contacting him again, if only to get some of those answers? Even if it's just a photo. My biological father died years before I even found my bio-family when I learned that he never wanted to have anything to do with the kids he had with my biological mother. It was all the result of a years long affair, of which i seemed to be the last straw. But I have a photo of him. A man I never met, never would have wanted anything to do with me if I had... but weirdly, it's still nice to have. Life does seem to put us in the unwinnable situations, but we continue to do what we can to get through as best we can. But always feeling though that it really shouldn't be this difficult.

@MJG017 you have definitely helped me to try to learn not to blame myself for everything. And yes your very right that previously it wasn't even a thought that crossed my mind.

The not knowing and the unanswered questions have such a big impact. Those special days (mothers day and fathers day) are so incredibly hard to get through for both of us. You have a different reason aswell just like mothers day is hard for me given my situation which you know about.

The reason for him stopping communication was that he thought that maybe i wasn't his and threw some other random guys name at me that he said my mum had a relationship with aswell. But my mum swears that she was never intimate with this other guy like that so it's not possible. Guess I'll never really know the truth. Every year since that contact I had with him I've sent a happy fathers day message to him but I've never heard back since. I only ever wanted to put a face to the name so to speak. I never expected him to want to be a part of my life so there was no pressure for that to happen.

It hurts like hell and I wish I had that father figure but I don't and I never will.

@Former-Member

Yeah that is so tough about your father. I guess if you were both curious a simple DNA test would answer that question, but it seems he doesn't really want any contact with you. I've heard this with quite a few adoptees. Sometimes biological parents just want nothing to do with kids they had many years ago. I guess I understand that (kind of) but a tiny bit of empathy would tell anyone that the son/daughter is just looking for some answers and some bits of knowledge of where they came from. Unless you find yourself in that position, it seems like it's very hard for people to understand the importance of even the tiniest bits of information like that.

That seems to be the thing with finding biological family. Even if you find one of them, you are strangers, and that seems very hard to overcome. Even of both parties seem to want to maintain contact, the relationships seem to struggle to really develop any sort of close bond. It happens, but not often for my experience.

It always seems to be hard on the person doing the searching. I guess because of all those years (usually) searching or wondering, where as for the person being found it's just a stranger turning up saying they're related. At least as the searcher, you build up this image of the person you're searching for in your mind and finding them just adds the final pieces of the puzzle. I hear about people having very successful reunions and I really struggle hearing about them, as it's just too painful for me to hear. No one is happier for them than me, but it just brings up far too much emotional baggage for me.

It doesn't seem too much to want out of life to have a parent who loves us and we are close to does it? I'd take a distant cousin at this point. I'm sorry you don't have that either, because I understand it. Although obviously the situation with your mother is very different to my own.

@MJG017 it was strange cos when he first made contact with me he said about wanting to make be beneficiary on his will, then after a few days of contact it just changed. I'd say i just don't care anymore but deep down we both know that's not true.

Trying to build a relationship with a complete stranger is hard enough as it is let alone knowing that the person that's a stranger isn't supposed to be. Like there's supposed to be a connection, there's supposed to be a bond but instead there's nothing.

I've heard of happy stories and don't get me wrong I'm happy for those people but it hurts like hell knowing that that's never going to be me. I'll never have that happy story. The fact that i only have my mother and that's it cos my other family is dead or in England and I don't have contact with them, it's just so isolating and the not knowing gets to me.

My mum kept everything hidden from me so it's only within the last few years that I've discovered some family out there but I don't have contact with them, I just know they are out there. My poppa passed away when I was 3 and I never met my nanna or my aunty as they were killed in a car accident just after they moved here. That happened when my mum was only 4 years old and she almost lost her life in the accident aswell.

I don't feel wanted by my mother and the things she has said to me will haunt me forever.

@Former-Member

It can be so confusing and full of mixed messages we're left to try and make sense of. I had a similar experience when I first started talking to my biological brother. This was just online and over the phone to begin with. I'd said i worked it IT and he said he helped run a scaffolding business that his son owned. He said they needed some one to do some web and admin stuff and was i interested. I thought this was great! We hadn't even met yet, but i was being invited into the family business. By this stage I had also talked to two sisters and was getting ready to finally talk to my biological mother. For the first time in my life, I felt like I was home. After being apart for 50 years, i was back with my family. I'd never been happier. It didn't last long.

We met a while later and since then it's been almost impossible to get a reply from him, or even answering the phone. Needless to say i've given up. Even 7 or 8 months later after finding them and begin diagnosed with cancer didn't help to keep and sort of contact going. I only heard from them to let me know my biological mother had died. This was about a year after finding them. But even then, he rang when when i was waiting for a specialist at the hospital. We were chatting and the specialist turned up and I said that I had to go, but it should only be about 20min and I'd call him back straight after... which I did. No answer. I called again the next day... no answer. I sent messages. no replies. To this day, I still have no idea what or where it all went so wrong.

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Trying to build a relationship with a complete stranger is hard enough as it is let alone knowing that the person that's a stranger isn't supposed to be. Like there's supposed to be a connection, there's supposed to be a bond but instead there's nothing.

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I couldn't have said it better ☹️

Yeah, that pain of knowing you'll never be a part of a family is something I think you never heal from. It is possible to can accept it and even not feel pain from it anymore, but that will never be me. It's just a pain that will always be there.

Like i've talked about before, I do try very hard now to focus on things i can control and let go of things I can't... but this not even being a part of a close family is something I just can't find a single positive in. It's just pain and loneliness. In a shorter period of time, I've found positives in fighting incurable aggressive cancer so I'm sure there's nothing wrong in my ability to find a silver lining where there seems to be none. But this one eludes me. Sadly the pain doesn't. I just always hate to hear of someone else in a similar position, because I wouldn't wish it on anyone and it breaks my heart that anyone else has to deal with it. I always feel a bit of a connection with other people going through it.

@MJG017to have so much hope that things could have been ok and that you might have finally had that connection that you wanted so badly, it's so sad that things didn't work out differently and the constant questioning where did things go wrong is horrible. My heart breaks for you having to go through that on top of finding out you had cancer, I can only imagine the pain you have endured.

Yes it's possible to accept it but the pain will always remain and there will always be constant reminders that bring back all those feelings.

I know i can't be physically there for you but know I'm always here for you and when things are tough I'll be around to chat. I'm sorry we have both been dealt such cruel lives in many ways but I'm glad you are here and I'm very thankful that I've been able to connect with you and share our stories.

Live for the moment, you have an amazing partner and some beautiful kitties and the support of all of us here ❤️

Hey @Former-Member , that post from @Chrissy79 was for you 🙂