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Something’s not right

Needing support

Needing support

Trigger warning

So after having so many bad experiences with a crisis service I reached out today as a last ditch effort as i was about to act on my thoughts.

I've spent the last 2 hours talking to one person who actually listened to everything I had to say and how i was feeling and who supported me the entire time. This I needed today, when I felt so close to the edge even throughout the chat when I was so close to acting on my thoughts, this person stayed with me and just listened and made me see things in a different way.

This person went above and beyond to support me any way they could, they kept me talking even when I wanted to just end the chat and so badly wanted to end it all. They searched for services to help me knowing that I've reached out to so many and been rejected and let down but they found some that I haven't tried so maybe there's support through some of those when I can make contact.

I know I'm by no means out of danger right now with the way my thoughts have been but it's that tiny glimmer of hope, that tiny flicker of light in the darkness that I'm trying so hard to cling to, to hopefully get me through this.

Right now I'm an emotional wreck and my brain just feels like complete mush. Today I need TLC except I'm not so good at showing myself any compassion or kindness. I'm open to any ideas on how I can learn to do this, how can I change my thinking and train myself to accept myself and show myself some love. The trauma part of me just straight away goes into defence mode and then the fight and flight mode kicks in. I want to be able to show myself some kindness cos deep down there's a part of me that knows I don't deserve to hurt this much. Years of trauma and abuse has made it impossible to love myself so much so that I feel physically sick when I see myself in a mirror.

I need words of wisdom, I need advice, I need strength, I need support, I need love and compassion. But most of all I need to know how to accept myself.

@MJG017 @Ru-bee @Oaktree @tyme @Jynx @rav3n @Arbie_wun @avant-garde

62 replies

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In response to: Needing support

Re: Needing support

@Till23 thankyou. I really hope that line does thicken, cos being right on the edge is incredibly scary.

Being here is the one thing that's keeping me going right now, knowing that I have the support of you and so many others while I navigate this journey is invaluable to me.

I'm doing some painting at the moment to keep my mind off of things and it's something I've been enjoying lately.

In response to: Needing support

Re: Needing support

@Former-Member Hello I am sorry I can only imagine how you are felling but I think you are brave for reaching out and putting yourself out there, that's an incredible self care you already did today! I am not a professional and still learning but I listened to this one today and decided I need to put on my regular rotation as self kindness is something I'm still practicing.

https://youtu.be/R_fkFYdoDYs?si=MgcF5_dgM1di8q8v

I would just look till you find one that is good for you we are all so different but I am not to f

good at self talk so it helps having someone in my ears affirming and it's almost nice as I'm not used to hearing those words.

small steps, it may be 5 minutes today, and that is okay. Every little bit initiates a healthy new routine that is so important for you and your wellbeing.

In response to: Re: Needing support

Re: Needing support

@Former-Member thankyou. I will have a look at some stage. It was just lucky that I got someone that cared otherwise today's outcome would have been totally different. I'm trying hard to find a way to show kindness to myself. Today I treated myself to a couple of puzzles and I did some of my painting, now I'm colouring.

In response to: Re: Needing support

Re: Needing support

@Former-Member @I hope you are proud of yourself that today. You have looked after yourself even when you felt not worth it something inside you are, try, fight and that is brave.

In response to: Re: Needing support

Re: Needing support

@Former-Member part of me is proud but the other part is very much ashamed.

In response to: Re: Needing support

Re: Needing support

Ah the complexities of being human. Feeling simultaneously is completely okay and valid.

In response to: Re: Needing support

Re: Needing support

Hi @Former-Member .

Ahhhh.....the sweet joy of that pinpoint of light when it finally breaks through is wonderful. I am really glad that you got a person on the line who actually listened to you.

I call the help lines often when I need to. I have found some with advice and others who just want to make sure that you stick with the 20 minute time limit. I am so glad, that at a time when it was really needed, you found someone who gave you the time you needed.

I really hope that when you are able to reach out to one of the new recommended services that you get more help than you have in the past.

I hope you are doing ok tonight. You are not alone 🥰

In response to: Re: Needing support

Re: Needing support

@dehaha it really was a crucial moment for me so I'm glad it worked out the way it did, I think.

Yes I've had the same experience with those that really stick to that 20-30 minute time frame and they don't care what you are talking about when the time runs out so they just disappear.

Unfortunately the public holidays make reaching out to these other services challenging as they are closed but hopefully they can offer support once I can make that contact.

Tonight has been rough and it's a struggle but I'm trying to be kind to myself. Thankyou ❤️

In response to: Re: Needing support

Re: Needing support

@Former-Member I’m glad you were able to do some things to help ease your distress today.

You were able to show yourself compassion even when distressed - this is a great skill to have.
Distraction is a great tool to keep yourself away from the distress.

Even better if you were able to enjoy the distractions. It gives you that beam of light to show you there’s still joy in the world

In response to: Re: Needing support

Re: Needing support

@Till23 I've tried keeping myself distracted and it's somewhat worked.

I enjoy painting and colouring so that's a bonus. It's just hard to focus sometimes when things are so intense.

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