Needing support

Trigger warning

So after having so many bad experiences with a crisis service I reached out today as a last ditch effort as i was about to act on my thoughts.

I've spent the last 2 hours talking to one person who actually listened to everything I had to say and how i was feeling and who supported me the entire time. This I needed today, when I felt so close to the edge even throughout the chat when I was so close to acting on my thoughts, this person stayed with me and just listened and made me see things in a different way.

This person went above and beyond to support me any way they could, they kept me talking even when I wanted to just end the chat and so badly wanted to end it all. They searched for services to help me knowing that I've reached out to so many and been rejected and let down but they found some that I haven't tried so maybe there's support through some of those when I can make contact.

I know I'm by no means out of danger right now with the way my thoughts have been but it's that tiny glimmer of hope, that tiny flicker of light in the darkness that I'm trying so hard to cling to, to hopefully get me through this.

Right now I'm an emotional wreck and my brain just feels like complete mush. Today I need TLC except I'm not so good at showing myself any compassion or kindness. I'm open to any ideas on how I can learn to do this, how can I change my thinking and train myself to accept myself and show myself some love. The trauma part of me just straight away goes into defence mode and then the fight and flight mode kicks in. I want to be able to show myself some kindness cos deep down there's a part of me that knows I don't deserve to hurt this much. Years of trauma and abuse has made it impossible to love myself so much so that I feel physically sick when I see myself in a mirror.

I need words of wisdom, I need advice, I need strength, I need support, I need love and compassion. But most of all I need to know how to accept myself.

@MJG017 @Ru-bee @Oaktree @tyme @Jynx @rav3n @Arbie_wun @avant-garde