Life and trauma

@MJG017 ok, I'm angry and frustrated. Why would someone bother asking permission to do something (no was the response) then completely disregard what you said and do it anyway. Trying to find something to distract myself but there's a rage inside of me and it wants to come rushing out.

@Former-Member

Well, i'm sure i responded to the previous message but it's not there so i'm now wondering did I post it somewhere else or did i forget to hit 'post' or something. I'm very 'old man' confused right now. I remember writing it! I said something about i hope the visit was incident free and that the birthday present should now be socks and gel pens. I kept the socks in because you shouldn't colour in with cold footsies.

the answer to your question in the last post is very simple. People as the question because in their own minds they think it's nice. The fact that they might get an answer different from what they were expecting is so foreign to them that it doesn't even register. To them they hear "Yes, oh thank you so much for bestowing me with your kindness of doing this for me." ...or something like that.

I know your pillow did nothing wrong, must maybe smack it around a bit to get the frustration out. Or at least have some stern words to it. How are you doing now though? feel free to vent if you need to.

@MJG017 maybe there was a glitch in the system, a Gremlin that stole the message 😂.

I'm so annoyed at myself for all the decisions I've made in life that's gotten me to this point. Anyway that's my vent.

I'm colouring with my gel pens cos it's the only thing keeping me sane even though I'm scared of not having any left but I need to do something. Socks and gel pens are very much needed.

@Former-Member

Talking about how your mother is with your ex, reminds me of a friend of mine. She was a work friend of my partner and we got to know this person years ago. She was married and we were invited to a farewell for them both as they were going to move to the UK. This was about 10 years ago. Anyway, that went horribly. Her husband was cheating on her over there and basically emptied out her account buying things for this other woman. She got divorced and moved back to Adelaide. So you'd think the ex was not exactly popular with her family wouldn't you. Nope. Her mother still asks how he is going and when is she going to see him again. It boggles them mind how people can have so little empathy. It's like there little empathy black holes in their heads. Sucking in and destroying every trace in there.

Be careful of those brick walls. They're slow but they can damage a hand. Or so i'm told. I get so annoyed with myself as well for so many things I did (or didn't do) in life as well. I know it didn't result anywhere near as badly for me as it did for you. For me it was basically just decades of loneliness and feeling worthless. But I don't think i've ever felt anger at myself for any of it. Not much anyway. Because I know that I made the only decisions I could at the time with the coping mechanisms I had developed due to having to deal with everything alone since I was a small child. I sort of see it has give a very easy to ignite lighter to a 4 year old... there's going to be a fire! It's not the child's fault. We always do what we think is best and we don't always see enough to make better choices. Sometimes we do, but our fears and emotions make us ignore it. Things that rarely happen to people who grew up with love, guidance and encouragement.

I'm sorry it's all brought a lot of stuff back up to the surface for you tonight. I'm here if you want to chat. At the very least it will help to save use on your last gel pens a little bit while you type.

@MJG017

I have the phone call tomorrow morning 9.30am with toward home then my doctors appointment at 12pm. I don't even know what I'm supposed to talk to my doctor about nor do I know what to expect from the intake assessment thing with toward home.

@Former-Member

She definitely seem to have no ability to see past her own needs. Unfortunately some people just seem to be like that. Sadly, when it's a mother, the child pays the price. I know, we've talked about this a lot and I totally understand the anger and hatred, and no one would say you shouldn't feel that. It's just that you're directing it to the wrong person.

Let me know how you get on tomorrow, especially with Toward Home. I really hope they can help you. 🤞🤞

@MJG017 I'm not one to direct it to anyone other than myself. I put all the blame on myself even when I know i don't deserve it, but it's easier to punish myself than to take it out on other people.

I really hope they can but I'm not even sure exactly what they do. I'll keep you updated as I always do.

In other news i started a picture at 7.30pm and I just finished it. Now what am I supposed to do?

@Former-Member

I think I get it. It's just easier to direct it at ourselves because it is something we can control? I know some people do it because they've always been told, or made to feel, it was their fault, but I don't think you really believe that from what we've talked about.

Do you have any games you like to play? I really enjoy word and puzzle games. Word games mainly. I have a feeling i've asked you before. If i'm not playing games on the computer, i'm watching TV, so i'm probably not the best person to ask for ideas on what to do. Reading?

@MJG017 I guess it's something that I can control. I've been told and made to feel it too, but that's not why I do it, at least I don't think so.

I have games but nothing that really interests me anymore, there's only so many games I can play on my phone. I'm watching my TV show but it's just kind of on, I'm not really focused on it. And reading is a no go for me, I get frustrated cos I can't comprehend information. Like I can read really well and fast but I'm not able to process what I've read. When I read i choose books that have been made into movies or vice versa cos then I can have the picture to go with what I'm reading, if that makes sense.

@Former-Member

I get that with reading as well. I will be reading away and I'll realise i have no idea what happened on the past couple of pages. That's always been a sign that I need to put the book away because something is distracting my mind too much.

Yes, that makes sense. But i've often found that books and movies seem to always change so much. Mainly when they go from book to movie. But it does help the mind picture what you're reading.