Life and trauma

@Former-Member

I'm sorry it's been so difficult for you with her there, it's completely understandable why. I see it as quite ironic. She's putting all these questions to you that she really should be asking herself. I mean she is a major reason of pretty much all of what she is questioning you about!

I know it probably doesn't make it any easier to deal with, but you could ask all those same questions of her! All i can really offer you is that she has absolutely no right to make you feel the way she does. Yes, she's your mother but she lost that right to question you about anything as long time ago. I'm no psychologist, not by a long shot, but i wonder how much of what she says to you, is her way of dealing with not wanting to admit to, or even acknowledge, her own failures as a mother. Far easier to see a daughter as a failure, than to admit your own failures as a parent.

Look at everything you've been through and all of your struggles while you've been here, and you still reach out to give support to other people. I don't really know how to better demonstrate your worth, significance, and just how much you deserve to be part of this world.

@Former-Member

I can totally agree. Know how you should (or shouldn't) feel and how you actually feel are two completely different things. We talk a lot about finding some peace with learning what we can control and what we cant.

So it's probably a losing battle to even try and control how your mother treats you and just try to control how you react to it. And that may be to set some boundaries about not accepting her saying certain things to you. I think we can get 'stuck' after long enough thinking we need to accept certain behaviors from people, especially family. But we don't need to. No, we probably can't change it, and ignoring it is very difficult... but we can choose to just walk away and say we don't want this conversation right now.

So when she saystiy should never have been born, what she means is if you were never born, her many shortcomings as a mother would never have been exposed. It's so much easier to blame someone else for our own faults. That way we never have to acknowledge or apologise for them.

I get what you mean by "in the real world", but the difference between here and the real world is the people. Yes, everyone her is kind, supportive and understanding, but they're all out in the real world as well. So the problem is never with you, but the sort of people you have around you in the real world. So you should really try not to let the fact you have unsupportive (I'm being kind) people around you should define YOU as a person. It's something that I've only just started to change in myself. For all of my life I defined myself bevhiw other treated me. Which led to me just assuming everyone saw me the same negative ways. It's such a deep dark hole to fall into and so hard to get out of. I don't even think I'm out of it... just sort of peeking out over the edge of the hole while standing on tippy toes.

So I'm not going to tell you its easy, because I know it is anything but. But I can keep doing what some people did for me to get me looking out of that hole... just keep reminding you that you are most definitely worthy and valuable as a person. If people around you can't see that then the issue is them, not you.

@MJG017 i can't even begin to respond to each part in this post right now, so I'm sorry.

Today I'm struggling, I'm sore, my head hurts, my brain just isn't working. I really just want to call it quits and give up.

I get what you are saying and you're right that it's not easy, not by a long shot. Today everything that was said or done yesterday is haunting me, I can't stop thinking about it all.

Today i just wish I could be held, and told that things are somehow going to work out. That i won't feel this way forever but right now it really feels like this is it and things are never going to change. Today I'm hurting, today it's just all too much, today someone needs to hold that hope and that light cos today I don't have any hope at all.

I hope you are having a better day than me. Thanks for always being so kind to me ❤️.

Hey @Former-Member, sorry to hear that you are feeling this way today. I'm sitting with you this afternoon, so please reach out if you need anything. RiverSeal ❤️

@RiverSeal thankyou. I'm not quite sure what to do at the moment. I'm struggling to process the last week and what's happened, I can't even remember what's happened from one day to the next. I'm trying to do something, anything to distract myself but I'm not able to even pick a task. My head space is far from ideal and it's a scary place to be in, i don't know what's real and what's not anymore. I thought i had my doctors appointment tomorrow but then I realised it's only Saturday not Sunday and my appointment is on Monday. My days are all mixed up.

Sorry if none of that makes sense.

It makes sense @Former-Member and I have had times like that too. I encourage you to stay connected with the Forums and your friends here. It can be really helpful to have company when you feel like this. Here is you need anything. Take care RiverSeal

@RiverSeal I'm trying to stay connected but my brain is doing a really good job at convincing me that I'm bothering everyone. I can't even colour in, I'm sitting here staring at my picture but I just can't do anything with it. Really don't know what's wrong with me 😞.

You are not bothering anyone from what I can see @Former-Member, so I'm sure it's ok to stay connected on the Forums. Why don't you colour something in and share it here when you are happy with it? It would be lovely to see your artwork! RiverSeal 🙂