Life and trauma

@Former-Member Ahahaha your doc sounds like a top guy!! Oh and yikes hun way to land with the worst luck!!

I have had similar thoughts hey - I think what's sometimes super annoying is that we are feeling creatures first - so if we can't feel another way of being, like we haven't experienced it yet, it can be difficult to reassure ourselves with it. Cos it's intangible. Doesn't mean it's impossible! Can just feel downright uncomfortable when we do start to feel differently!! Seriously, first time I started experiencing contentment after like, a decade of misery, I was SO SUSS. I kept looking for more things to be wrong with me 😅

Ooooh pretty!! I rly wanna do that thing where you like, cover a web in spray paint or glue maybe? And then use cardboard to 'capture' the image of it!!

@Jynx my doctor is amazing and I'm very thankful to have him. He has always supported me with everything I've been through. And yeah the worst luck, even my doctor is like what's next 😂.

Even when i get moments of happiness it just feels strange and i keep waiting for something bad to happen. It's horrible that i can't just enjoy happy moments cos my mind is just waiting for it to go wrong. Guess that's why I don't allow myself to actually feel anything other than pain and sadness cos it's such an abnormal experience to feel anything else.

Ooohhh that would be so cool to do.

@Former-Member well I'm here to tell ya, that is totally normal 😋 Frustrating as heck! But normal. Basically, our systems have evolved to find safety in the familiar. When emotions like joy or happiness are unfamiliar, they literally can register in our brains almost like a threat! And also it can be a way our brains try to protect us from the possibility of those emotions being shut down, shamed, or otherwise taken away, if that's what has happened in our childhood.

So yeah... especially at first, finding happiness or contentment might ring ALL the alarm bells!! The more we experience it the more familiar it becomes the less our brains wanna immediately shut it down 😉

@Jynx nothing about me is normal 😂.

Frustrating as heck and yet it makes complete sense.

I still have a long way to go before my brain can even begin to recognise any form of happiness as anything other than a threat.

I'm so worked up right now and feel like I'm going to lose control. My brain needs to take a chill pill. Anxiety is in overdrive and body is feeling it.

@Former-Member ya I don't know if I've ever been normal!! Not on my to do list either 😋

Aye hun that describes it so well - you had to learn early on exactly which emotions were safe, and when to use them... rather than just, you know, being allowed to experience and express them.

Oh hun, so much tension for you!! Do you know the technique called 'progressive muscle relaxation'? I use it whenever my shoulders/neck won't chill out

@Jynx I've never been and never will be normal. Normal is boring 😂.

Oh I have tried that technique but I didn't find it helpful.

At the moment I'd be very surprised if I don't end up in hospital tonight or tomorrow. The excess of medication in my system doesn't seem to be flushing itself out and it's causing me alot of pain and discomfort.

@Former-Member yeah that's it hey!!

Aww dang hun, I really hope it doesn't come to that!! Really has done a number on your system hey.

I do have to dash so I won't be able to stay and chat, but I'm sending allllll the hugs, and hope that your night is relatively chill. Restful vibes to ya 💜

@Jynx i really hope it doesn't.

Thanks for the hugs and thanks for the chats again. Have a good night ❤️

@Former-Member

Hmmm... that's the trick isn't it when you've only know one thing or one way for soooo long... to imagine something different. I guess the first step is to accept, and then believe, there can be something different. And then try to work out what that might look like.

You asked about the way forward feeling so out of reach. I think if it was in reach for any of us, we'd already be there. So it will always feel out of reach until it's not. Completely unhelpful i know 😁 But i'm just saying it will always feel out of reach until you're there so don't let the fact it feels out of reach mean that you are doing something wrong or not good enough... you're just not there yet.

@MJG017 accepting and believing that things could ever be different seems to be impossible right now.

Once again you are always great at explaining things. Tonight i can't even think straight. Physically my body is struggling and I don't know if it's just the effects of the medication wearing off or coming out of my system or something else going on.