Life and trauma

@avant-garde are you ok? I'm sorry i can't stay on to chat. But I'm not in a good way myself right now. Please reach out to talk to a crisis service if you need to.

You aren't alone.

Hi @avant-garde, I am sorry to hear that you are feeling this way, sounds really tough.

Sometimes it helps to think about the things that we are proud of, that do bring us some joy or that we are grateful for, even if they are small things they can still help us get out of those self-depleting thought patterns.

Is there something else that helps you when feeling this way?

Do you have someone to talk with about this?

@Academica

I haven't seen you online before, but I can appreciate your username.

Poetry helps, this year one poem a day to complete a manuscript and hopefully get published, currently writing todays, can't say it's bright but can say it's helping.

Final stanza...

that I'm stronger than they'll ever see

loved more than I know

smarter than I've ever thought

and braver than I show

----------------

One of my old coordinators said my ability to process pain and memories through writing and without guidance is remarkable. He was right.

@Former-Member

Maybe im weird, but the more i felt that it was me against the world or even just me alone, the more fight it gave me. I think i just had a "if you're not with me, you're against me" kind of mindset when i was younger and so being alone in so many things made me just want to show the world I didn't need it to survive.

Yeah, its not the most realistic, or probably even healthy way of looking at it, but it always gave me strength when I needed it. I'm not saying you need to think the same, but find what it is that gives you that figher and just use it as much as you can.

@avant-garde

I'm sorry you are feeling like this. Its not a nice place to be at all. And such a cruel way to have someone make you feel about yourself.

When i was quite young... I'm not sure but it would have been less than 12. I decided the only thing I wanted out of life was kids... my own family... to be normal like everyone else.

At the time i decided this, i felt like it wasnt setting the bar very high, but that it was all i wanted to make me happy. I failed miserably. Self confidence made finding a job difficult, so money was toght enough that having a house was out of the question, as was even renting a place on my own and there was no one i knew who i could share with. The thought of shring with someone was terrifying.

I was so sure this was going to be how it was always going to be... a massive failure, who set an ambition in life so low, so achievable, and still couldn't do it.

As i got older (40s) i started to see things a bit differently. I started to see the challenges i face as issues most other people disnt have to try and overcome. I started to rhink how they would handle them. Could they deal with such loneliness and isolation for example. I started to see mysekf as less of a failure and more of just someone who struggles to overcome difficulties most ither people never had to even contemplate. And damned if i was going to keep letting me feel like a failure. If anyone thought I was, let them live a day in my shoes and then let them judge me.

Kids never happened, which still is my biggest disappointment in life, but i found a partner who loves me and we have a house together but it still feels more like luck than anything else. But i figured after so long, i deserved a bit of that.

So i would say dont ever let anyone let you feel like a failure. Who are they to judge what you've had to overcome. Who are they to judge what the passing mark in life is?

If i had a choice of someone as a friend, i would never choose that judgemental person. Id rather know that person who was made to feel a failure. I think that person would have far more qualities i would like and respect... like kindness, generosity, empathy, respect, reliability etc etc. I see a person being those things as maybe unluck in life, or someone who just faced a lot of difficult challenges, but certainly not a failure. A good and kind person is never a failure.

@avant-garde such powerful and true words. I hope you are feeling better today.

@MJG017 I've tried that mindset myself but I'm kids not strong enough. I don't have anything that gives me fight, I don't have any fight left in me. Every part of me it's wants to give up and let everyone win. I'm defeated.

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@MJG017 wrote:

If i had a choice of someone as a friend, i would never choose that judgemental person. Id rather know that person who was made to feel a failure. I think that person would have far more qualities i would like and respect... like kindness, generosity, empathy, respect, reliability etc etc. I see a person being those things as maybe unluck in life, or someone who just faced a lot of difficult challenges, but certainly not a failure. A good and kind person is never a failure.

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@MJG017

Someone like me...

@Former-Member

I'm awake and semi-functioning

@avant-garde I'm glad you are awake and semi functioning is good enough.

Have you got any plans for the day or it's it more of a rest day?

Sorry I couldn't chat last night things just went from bad to worse very quickly.