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Talking through trauma and PTSD

Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor

Running

"Behind every strong person is a story that gave them no choice"

My life is all about a lack of choice.

I'm alive because death would've outed him, it would have sealed his fate in prison.

TW: cultic, rape, trafficking, torture

I'm the daughter of a Satanist...

One trained to breed...

One pregnant at 6 years old...

One prostituted to whoever could afford her...

The girl her dad didn't want...

One men hired to have fun with...

One men experimented with...

One who was tortured for speaking up...

One trained for the sole purpose to please her buyer...

Regardless of age...

Still though...

One who never stayed silent...

One who broke free... twice...

One who rose up...

One who seeks to prove them wrong...

One who has been running for 15 years...

One who just needs to feel heard...

One who went through hell and survived...

That this Phoenix can rise...

She will not be burned...

She's proven that...

I have proven that...

I'm 35 and 90% of those I've been in prolonged abusive situations insufficient evidence for prosecution

A system that protects the abuser more than the survivor

And yet I still try

I don't try for me, I try for the ones after me, the ones like me, that they will see their justice

But for now I run...

From a dad that wants me silenced...

From the nightmares that plague my sleep...

From the memories that invade my mind...

From the choices made for me...

Didn't expect that to come out as poetic as it did

3558 replies

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In response to: Running

JynxModerator

Re: Running

@avant-garde sometimes we need to embrace the dark so we can remember how we found our way out of it, so we might re-embrace the light with a deeper gratitude or renewed perspective. It's okay to reach out for a reassuring gesture to help us when we're really deep in it tho 💜 And also wanna acknowledge how isolating it is when the majority around us are celebrating the very thing that is causing us pain. Like a burning sting we must grin through.

Poetry is one of my most powerful ways of expressing the enormity of my feelings. I think it also helps me to really feel them, and move through them so that they move on and out of my body. I hope the words flow freely for you, and the emotions with them.

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor

Re: Running

@Jynx

Then the flashbacks knock us for six in the midst of writing...

In response to: Re: Running

JynxModerator

Re: Running

@avant-garde hello hun, how are you travelling today?

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor

Re: Running

@Jynx

My body has all this feeling that is threatening to overwhelm and I'm scared of what memories the feeling holds

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor

Re: Running

@ENKELI...

You believe in this stuff when no one in my physical life does, but I trust you to be gentle in your response...

I think... no... I know it was the enemy spiritually attacking me yesterday and today... the memories were of that nature... and then I prayed like I haven't in a long time and it's gotten easier

In response to: Re: Running

JynxModerator

Re: Running

@avant-garde totally understandable for it to be a terrifying prospect... do you feel safe enough to feel your feelings, or are you needing to disengage from them?

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor

Re: Running

@Jynx

I think the memories have settled into their vials now to deal with the emotions associated with them... I just don't like being alone when dealing with them...

In response to: Re: Running

JynxModerator

Re: Running

@avant-garde it is hard, hey. Living alone has had many benefits for me - having to deal with my meltdowns and intense emotions alone has not been one of them.

May only be virtual, but I send hugs 😊

(づ ᴗ _ᴗ)づ♡

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor

Re: Running

It was horrible... it was torturous and wrong and I don't understand! I don't understand! How could he! How could he!

TW: strong language, ritual abuse

Content/trigger warning
He was my dad! and he [omitted] his grandchildren!

I was his daughter! His daughter! But I was worse than nothing to him! To do *that* to my children! To so willingly give them over to the dark satanic forces of hell! And to tell me it was God's will! It never was! It never was!

It never saved them... God did that... not the actions of a corrupt insidious monster...

Then there was me... that he put me through so so many rituals in the guise of Christianity... this daughter... me... he handed me over to the same death he did my little ones... that he played god in my life... and somehow I wasn't worth saving...

@Jynx

In response to: Re: Running

JynxModerator

Re: Running

@avant-garde I can hear that this is impacting you a lot hun. I hope it is helpful to get these thoughts out and know that they're heard 🤞

I can imagine the whole tail-end of the year carries a lot of difficulty for you. The forums fam is here for you 💜

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