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Talking through trauma and PTSD

Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor

Running

"Behind every strong person is a story that gave them no choice"

My life is all about a lack of choice.

I'm alive because death would've outed him, it would have sealed his fate in prison.

TW: cultic, rape, trafficking, torture

I'm the daughter of a Satanist...

One trained to breed...

One pregnant at 6 years old...

One prostituted to whoever could afford her...

The girl her dad didn't want...

One men hired to have fun with...

One men experimented with...

One who was tortured for speaking up...

One trained for the sole purpose to please her buyer...

Regardless of age...

Still though...

One who never stayed silent...

One who broke free... twice...

One who rose up...

One who seeks to prove them wrong...

One who has been running for 15 years...

One who just needs to feel heard...

One who went through hell and survived...

That this Phoenix can rise...

She will not be burned...

She's proven that...

I have proven that...

I'm 35 and 90% of those I've been in prolonged abusive situations insufficient evidence for prosecution

A system that protects the abuser more than the survivor

And yet I still try

I don't try for me, I try for the ones after me, the ones like me, that they will see their justice

But for now I run...

From a dad that wants me silenced...

From the nightmares that plague my sleep...

From the memories that invade my mind...

From the choices made for me...

Didn't expect that to come out as poetic as it did

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In response to: Running

rav3nSenior Contributor

Re: Running

@avant-garde when you mentioned the "get over it quickly", it reminded me of what my mum said to me this week. always much easier said than done.

that sucks that they didn't cater for you, and judged you for your reaction. i'd feel quite hurt too if they'd done that to me.

i also read your poem - it's written so well, and it also makes it clear how hard receiving/asking for help can be. is it something you want to work on? do you want to ask for help more/accept help more?

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor

Re: Running

@rav3n

It's not that I don't want to ask for help more... it's more that I want to be less afraid when I do...

I think for where I'm at, I ask for help enough

In response to: Running

AuntGlowModerator

Re: Running

That's okay @avant-garde, I appreciate your honesty and that you're simply being where you're at.

How are you feeling at the moment? 💛

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor

Re: Running

@AuntGlow

I just got an email from my old landlord saying my rent is in arrears.

In response to: Re: Running

AuntGlowModerator

Re: Running

Oh, what?! Gah. How are you feeling about this email?

Adulting is truly one bill after another, isn't it? 🤦‍♀️ @avant-garde

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor

Re: Running

@AuntGlow

I already know their system has significant faults and it's an internal glitch on their end.

I constructed a spreadsheet with the dates and receipt numbers that proves when I moved out my rent was paid in full.

It just happens that I moved in on October 16 last year and it assumed that I moved in again on October 16 this year.

I contacted the property manager and have the evidence to prove its incorrect.

It just briefly freaked me out, because I moved out 3 months ago.

In response to: Re: Running

AuntGlowModerator

Re: Running

You handled this really well and you sound so much more organised than I am haha @avant-garde

You can definitely breathe now. 😮‍💨

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor

Re: Running

...today was hard...

...we discussed family...

...we discussed mum...

...we discussed mum's alters...

...we discussed my coping strategies...

...we agreed that dissociating saved my life...

...we agreed that my visualisation of Jesus (aka J) saved my life...

...we discussed the early rituals...

...we discussed church...

...we discussed abortion...

...we discussed sacrifice...

...and I was honest.

In response to: Re: Running

avant-gardeSenior Contributor

Re: Running

@ENKELI can I discuss something with you?

In response to: Re: Running

ENKELISenior Contributor

Re: Running

@avant-garde of course you can xx

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