Running

@rav3n

It takes a lot for me to change the narrative of my past, all the lies I believed that were repeatedly reinforced, that I don't matter, that my voice doesn't matter, that I'm not worth getting to know, that I'm not good at anything, that I'll never succeed, to go back to what I'm good at, what I'm trained for, that I'm unworthy of love.

To not speak up just feeds those lies and gives them more power because I'm not at a point where I can say that I don't believe those lies.

So I either battle the people around me or I battle those lies in my head and in emotional distress, it's not something I have been able to achieve.

I got a good cinema spot I think, 2 seats next to me are unavailable so I'm sitting in one of those and have my seat on my left and 1 unavailable on my right (there's nothing wrong with the seats though) and the two in front of me are unavailable too so I can put my feet up. I'm right next to the stairs close to the exit and so although the cinema is fairly full I have space around me and should be ok this time.

@rav3n

@avant-garde i like having some empty seats around me at the cinema. glad you've got your exit sorted just in case, hope you enjoy and that everything goes smoothly!!

also this is in response to the other post:

i can definitely see where you're coming from. from my perspective, the fact that you want to stand up for yourself shows that maybe there's a part of you already that believes you are worthy and its almost like its fighting so that the worthiness belief grows stronger to overpower the unworthy belief.

not sure if this resonates with you, but a big part of why i'd 'battle them' was because i finally felt like i had the choice/option to. and it felt almost like, if i don't exercise that option, i'd be failing myself - which now, i know isn't true and it's just my brain working on being rewired, but before it definitely felt like that for me.

i won't tell you who to battle or 'stop' the battle as that's not my place, nor is it easy to do so. and sometimes those battles are necessary too like we've mentioned before. but i will say that whether you battle them/you or not, you are worthy. i'm so sorry that you've had to fight to be heard and seen, and feel valued - but just know that without the fight, you still always deserve to feel worthy and valued. i know its hard not to rely on external validation, but also, unless the person knows you as well as you know yourself, their opinion aren't always accurate and might skew how you think/feel about yourself. it's a tricky place to be in, cos i can see that on one hand, seeking validation of being worthy can feel really important because it's not strengthened internally yet but then on the other hand, it can very exhausting fighting for it and at times backfires.

Hey @AuntGlow, how are you?

One thing that helped me was learning to make "I" statements that were more constructive or my truths and experiences. @avant-garde

@It helped to counter the confusions and sense of unworthiness. It felt weird at first, but has given me more personal agency and better social skills.

@Appleblossom

I find using the DBT dear man really helpful

Hello @avant-garde! I am well today, thank you for asking and for bringing me into the chat! There's so much to catch up on, so let's start with how you are? 😊

@AuntGlow

I'll be glad when today is over and all the pink is out of stores. Also aware you finish in 10ish minutes.

I think I've survived today better than most years, I think inspection week this week has helped with that.

@avant-garde Yes, that is correct - but I will be back tomorrow afternoon, and we can absolutely chat more then?

Thank you for sharing this reflection with me. 💛

*kicks wall with steel caps*

@Jynx