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I'm 42 aparated from my wife 2 weeks ago. She suffers depression and admits it but refuses to seek help. She googles help but does nothing. She has basically lay in bed for 12-18months doing nothing while I worked and worried. She says she has no feelings for me anymore and that's it she's moving in. We still are living together as we have a 7 yr old boy with autism and she has just started a new job working five nights a week. I obviously need to be here to look after our boy. I lost my job less than a week after she called for the separation. She says the depression has nothing to do with her feelings. I can't see how we had a chance with her condition consuming her, I feel like I'm the easy one to blame and ditch rather than seeking help. I promised her I'd never quit on her and always support her as she has been mistreated by every past person in her life. I told her I want to be the one constant in her life that never gave up on her and always stood there taking the bad treatment because I love her. I can see other things where the relationship was suffering but I still believe she's made her choice to quit on us and not get help. I know when she worked for about 3 months she started to come back to me but then lost that job and went straight back to bed. I was hoping with this new job she would come back again but she didn't wait she just quit. I don't want to quit but we are in a small town and the work prospects for me would only be enough if we were together. I don't want to lose sour family and I'm willing to do whatever it takes if there's a chance. But I need a job and I need to be prepared to look after me also moving forward, I don't want to be strung along for 6 months just because it suits her job! I'm kind of stuck in a catch 22. If I move she might realise she wants me still but if I move she may not be able to keep her job and that would be seen as my fault and ruin any hope I have. Lost broke confused lonely sad
Hey, I'm with Appleblossom 100% here. No.1 You have not failed her or your son, no way, have you failed. Your wife has failed you repeatedly. You have gone out of your way to help her, support her, encourage her and she has dictated you should do more. A failure is someone who doesn't try, you have done everything to keep your marriage together. Appleblossom remarked you are a good, caring, bloke who has done his best. Now you need to care for you. Perhaps now would be a good time to relocate. Not that far away that your son will suffer too much, he needs you, more than his mother. I still think a talk with the Dr will help, as the more he is aware, the more support he can offer. Can I ask if your wife has a POA, if she does, perhaps a talk with her/him at this stage might also be helpful. A POA can sometimes take control if a patient is unable or unwilling to help themselves.
In response to: When do you give up?
WTFIGOContributor
Re: When do you give up?
There is no POA just a young woman in denial of the effects of her condition on her life and those around her. She refuses to accept that depression has anything to do with the situation she is extremely venomous towards me in everything she says it's like she wants to destroy me completely, like I'm the scum of the earth and I'm feeling like the cliche battered housewife that won't leave because they love them or whatever I'm just to ignorant to the fact I'm not good enough for her and I want to prove her wrong
In response to: Re: When do you give up?
HeartSenior Contributor
Re: When do you give up?
Hello @WTFIGO, The letter you wrote to your wife was incredable. Your are such a supportive man and I take my hat off to you for giving it everything you possibly can. I hope it made a difference to your wife and she saw the wonderful man you are and seeked help.
How are you going? Are you getting some support?
Thinking of you and stay safe. Take care of yourelf.
In response to: When do you give up?
WTFIGOContributor
Re: When do you give up?
@Heart thank you for your support, she didn't want to read it, it really seems like she has convinced herself it's not the depression, she can't tell me why she doesn't love she doesn't know why but she doesn't love me anymore. It's hard to get through. She eventually read it and asked me not to write anymore. I feel like she is just in using her lifelong defense mechanism and pushing the problem away convincing herself this is what she wants. I'm going to try and talk to her calmly and point out that when I get a job she won't be able to keep her job. That's the fact of the matter, if she is willing to get help I will support her through that but if she isn't willing she needs to accept the fact that I need to move on, I can't spend my life in turmoil just in case she changes her mind. It's a bit hard to put this all in a post but I think I need to bring this to a head to get some closure for myself if that's what is happening. I will not be attacking her I will not be giving her an ultimatum I will just paint the picture and see what transpires
In response to: Re: When do you give up?
HeartSenior Contributor
Re: When do you give up?
Hello @WTFIGO, Sorry for not getting back to you earlier, lost internet for a while due to swapping providers and have no lost home number as well.(not happy)
What I am going through at the moment is very related to what you are experiencing as well. I give you credit for giving it all you have got. I read once that you hae to earn you way out of a relationship, and that is what I am seeing in you. You are giving it all you got and trying to do everything you can to help the situation. But your wife has to be willing to do the same. She needs to come clean and let you know what is going on, what she is feeling, what she is thinking. Have you thought about relationship conselling and would your wife agree to it?
Take care of yourself.
In response to: Re: When do you give up?
HeartSenior Contributor
Re: When do you give up?
Hi @WTFIGO, Hope you are ok. Speak soon.
In response to: When do you give up?
Unknown userMember
Re: When do you give up?
- Discovery - Gratitude - Compassion
Let the beautiful feed your soul, stay strong!
In response to: Re: When do you give up?
HeartSenior Contributor
Re: When do you give up?
@WTFIGO,How are you going? Hope you are somewhere safe and you are looking after yourself.
Please let us know how you are going. Take care of yourself.
In response to: When do you give up?
WTFIGOContributor
Re: When do you give up?
Sadly things have gone from bad to worse, I've never been so low and without hope before, my wife had said things to me that are cruel to my core, I know it's not the real her but it still hurts and I still forgive and hang on to hope, she has cut alll communication from me, I haven't seen my son since Tuesday and I'm scared to try because she might spin it somehow and get police involved so I'm just trying to cope a day at a time in silence, I still haven't found a job which makes it even harder because I have all the time in the world to stew over things. Hanging on by a thread atm
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