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When do you give up?

When do you give up?

I'm 42 aparated from my wife 2 weeks ago. She suffers depression and admits it but refuses to seek help. She googles help but does nothing. She has basically lay in bed for 12-18months doing nothing while I worked and worried. She says she has no feelings for me anymore and that's it she's moving in. We still are living together as we have a 7 yr old boy with autism and she has just started a new job working five nights a week. I obviously need to be here to look after our boy. I lost my job less than a week after she called for the separation. She says the depression has nothing to do with her feelings. I can't see how we had a chance with her condition consuming her, I feel like I'm the easy one to blame and ditch rather than seeking help. I promised her I'd never quit on her and always support her as she has been mistreated by every past person in her life. I told her I want to be the one constant in her life that never gave up on her and always stood there taking the bad treatment because I love her. I can see other things where the relationship was suffering but I still believe she's made her choice to quit on us and not get help. I know when she worked for about 3 months she started to come back to me but then lost that job and went straight back to bed. I was hoping with this new job she would come back again but she didn't wait she just quit. I don't want to quit but we are in a small town and the work prospects for me would only be enough if we were together. I don't want to lose sour family and I'm willing to do whatever it takes if there's a chance. But I need a job and I need to be prepared to look after me also moving forward, I don't want to be strung along for 6 months just because it suits her job! I'm kind of stuck in a catch 22. If I move she might realise she wants me still but if I move she may not be able to keep her job and that would be seen as my fault and ruin any hope I have. Lost broke confused lonely sad

53 replies

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In response to: When do you give up?

Re: When do you give up?

I'm going to try moving out, I will still be there to look after our son when she is at work but other than that I'm going. Hopefully this will 1.Give her some space and 2. Maybe when she sees that without me she will have to feed all the animals, get our boy ready for school etc and start being everything she apparently wants she may see what her choice means.
I don't want her to take me back to do jobs but right now her life hasn't changed a bit other than shutting me out, everything is still being done for her. Crossing my fingers

I only have love and hope left

In response to: Re: When do you give up?

Re: When do you give up?

@WTFIGO, I feel very sorry for you that this is what has to happen for thing to maybe work out for you.

That would have had to be a very hard decision for you and my heart goes out to you. I hope you are getting some support from friends and family of some sort. Have you been to yur GP to get some help as well.?

I still don't think it is her choice to be like this, although this is what you are seeing/feeling. She may not realise that she may have a MI and does not know how or where to turn for help. Unfortunitly, until she does she will most likely not accept suggestions/help from you.

Please take care of yourself

In response to: Re: When do you give up?

Re: When do you give up?

Hi @WTFIGO. It sounds like you are trying the 'tough love' way. Hopefully your plan won't back-fire. Is there someone you can trust to keep an eye on things while you are away? Also think about letting her Dr know you have left as he/she needs to be aware. It must have been an incredibly hard choice for you and, as Heart has said my sympathy also goes to you and your family. Having mental health issues is really hard for everyone and when the person who has the issues refuses to accept it, it makes it harder. Take care of yourself and your son.

In response to: When do you give up?

Re: When do you give up?

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and support, I have been a fool, my efforts over the past 4 years and in particular the past 3 weeks have all but been thrown in my face. Another failure on my list . It's really funny that she has been treated the way she has through her life and the one person who worshipped her and would endure anything for her, she treats the same as she had been treated. I feel worthless and if no use, I have tried pouring 150% commitment into everything in my life and I always get shit on so f@&$ it all

In response to: Re: When do you give up?

Re: When do you give up?

Hello @WTFIGO,

That sounds really hard if you are feeling like you have poured everything into supporting your partner and she has not got better. I hope you know just how supportive you have been but there is only so much one person can do to help someone with a mental illness.

It's important to also get as much support as possible from others so you don't burn yourself out which it sounds like you have? Do you agree?

Now is a time to really focus on looking after yourself and then you are more able to cope with everything that is going on, just like your partner needs support, so do you.

I have sent you a checking in email so please call those numbers if you would like to talk things through okay 🙂

Here for you,

Lunar

In response to: When do you give up?

Re: When do you give up?

I'm stuck, I can't afford to move out can't find a job, I'm being treated like a door mat slowly sinking

In response to: Re: When do you give up?

Re: When do you give up?

I thought your plan was a good one .. dont give up .. even though it feels hopeless .. your son and dogs need you.

In response to: When do you give up?

Re: When do you give up?

I'll be there for him but I have been stuck at home making sure he is looked after and loved while she is at work and today is her first day off and I wanted to go out for a drive and have some time to myself and she wants me to be back for school pick up so she can socialise with her new friends and she won't come home til whenever while I'm stuck at home again watching the clock wondering what she is doing and wondering what I've done so wrong to the bottom of the food chain to someone I have supported and loved unconditionally all this time, I feel like I'm just being trampled on and for fear of somehow making things worse if that's possible I let her do it

In response to: When do you give up?

Re: When do you give up?

And it's not just dogs it's 2 dogs 6 cats and 2 parrots which she wanted and I agreed to the lot thinking this was my family forever what a joke I am

In response to: Re: When do you give up?

Re: When do you give up?

Not a joke .. a good bloke

Not your fault she cant be straight and appreciate it

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