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Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor26 Jan 2017, 5:39 pm AEDT

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

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In response to: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor28 Jan 2017, 9:08 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Waffle away @utopia

My journey is laced with so much trauma that it's actually hard to know where to start. I have not had the same experiences with my parents - in fact the opposite. There is so much hurt and mistrust there but I don't want to hurt them back in any way.

What kind of accident did you have? was it to do with your sore back?

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor28 Jan 2017, 9:57 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7. From what I have gathered through everyone on this forum - the younger you are when the trauma starts and the more that trauma reoccurs (even if it's a different trauma) - and the less support you have - the harder your fall seems to be.
But I still believe everyone can heal. Some people recover well after an 'episode' & may not have any further problems. Some need support and techniques to help them through the hurdles when they arrive. This is me. Others learn to live with their MI, in the best way they can - even if it cannot be 'treated'.
My workplace became very toxic and stressful. I didn't realise at the time - just how bad it was. I was suffering from acute stress and my depression was becoming hard to manage.
I then had an 'incident' with a really badly unwell client. I worked in mental health in Admin. This guy was extremely dangerous. No one at work - not even management helped me when I asked.
I kept struggling through over the next couple of months. And then I just had to leave. Went on sick leave. Put in a workcover claim. Which was accepted.
This guy did not physically touch me - for that I am so grateful. But I really didn't understand the impact of the event itself (I won't talk about that here) at the time.
My therapist then diagnosed me as having PTSD as well. I didn't know you could develop PTSD from my incident. My dad was undiagnosed PTSD for over 20 years - but he had been to war - Vietnam.
After almost a year - my therapist recommended I see a psychologist that treats OTSD with EMDR therapy. Wow. That was brilliant. A big success. I can talk about the incident now - without my bidy or brain responding.
I no longer drop to the ground and wee myself in the main street of my small tiwn - when I hear a man yell at the other end if the street.
After this therapy. I thought I was all 'cured' - for want of a better word. But I wasn't. I had soooo much anger burning inside me. I'd fluctuate between my depression and anger/rage.
Unfortunately the psychologist who treated me for the PTSD was no good with this area of my health.
So I got a new psychologist - again. He us the ine I still see. He is brilliant. He's a perfect fit for me. I don't want to wrapped in cotton wool. He explains everything to me. The Workcover Psychiatrists diagnosis they have given me. Adjustment Disorder with depression. He explains my ongoing risk factors to future episodes of PTSD. He pushes my button and gets me defensive quite often. The mist annoying thing - is that he's always right about what I need and what will work. I trust him completely. And I'm forever grateful to have him as my psychologist.
I do have my own Psychiatrist. I got him when I was in the Melbourne Clinuc last year for SI.
He's old. He's odd. He's unique. He's his own man and doesn't conform to people's expectations of a shrink. And he was so amazingly helpful to me in my crisis. He and the Clinic saved my life.
So I see myself as very lucky. Very fortunate to have had the expert care I've had during my mental health journey.
And I know I'm luckier than many others here on the forum. And I'm bloody grateful.
I'm thankful that the incident that triggered all of this MI happened. I'm sorry that it took me away from my son for almost 2 years due to my depression. But without having gone through this - I really don't think I would have found myself again. I think I would have just existed like a lit if people di these days. Just going with the flow. Don't rock the boat. Don't think for yourself. Don't try something new.
And I really like who I am. I'm a good person. With a bad sense if humor. No fashion sense and no intention of getting any. I'm not perfect. And I'm okay.
What do you like about yourself @Zoe7.
What do you enjoy doing when you are feeling well? What have you always wanted to do - but never have?

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor28 Jan 2017, 10:22 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

WOW @utopia how does one respond to that - really laying yourself out there for me to see - thankyou

When the trauma starts so young and continues for so long then stops and another form takes it's place (with no help and no-one knowing) the fall is definitely hard. When this is all then replaced by yet more trauma for a long time - well let's just say that is when I shut the rest of the world out. I did get some help at the time but as I was so reluctant to let anyone in I really didn't get the help I needed because I just wouldn't talk. Now I have 20 years of not having any help and just surviving each day to get past before I can deal with the 15 years of continuous trauma (from different situations) before that.

So my depression, anxiety and PTSD have been only partially 'treated' for most of my life - really just bandaid solutions - and that is mainly due to me not trusting anyone and not seeing a way anyone could actually help me anyway.

I understand you can't talk about the actual event that happened in your workplace but whatever it was you tried to protect yourself then by asking for help - I would say this is because you are a very smart and insightful women and you knew how dangerous this client was. The fact that no-one listened to you also makes me angry. I have found in my workplace that people are often dismissive of what they are being told when they don't know how to deal with a situation - and these are usually the situations that have the greatest impact upon staff members and sometimes the students.

You are a good person, and you do have a good sense of humour - not great like mine LOL but it will suffice and if your t-shirt design is anything to go on then your fashion sense is terrible also - mine must be too though - so two peas in a pod!!! And you are OK - more than ok - pretty damn OK!

There are some things I like about myself - the problem is these are the things that also cause me the most pain. I don't look at things in black or white - but wish the decisions I make could be black or white - too much grey just messes with my mind. I like working with kids but my heart breaks for them when they are hurting or lonely or sad etc.

I don't know - this is just a bit too hard to think about right now.

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor28 Jan 2017, 10:56 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

That's okay @Zoe7. You don't have to think orttalk about it tonight.
But just so you know - you do NOW have good help at hand. Your gp and your psychologist. Over time - you will feel more comfortable in talking with them. When the time is right for you.
Did I warn you I could talk. I probably should have emphasised it in capital letters.
I don't think there is anything in my past or present for me to feel ashamed of. Although there are things I wish I didn't do. I can't regret even those. They have brought me to this place now. So, yes, I'm comfortable talking.
I'm just as comfortable with silence most of the time too.
The minute this man walked into our building - I coukd feel it straight away - the danged - the warning. I didn't listen to my gut instinct. I do now!
I actually begged the managers to come and help me. They could hear this guy going off. The while building could. I think that's why my claim was approved so quickly. Because people in another room and not from our organisation heard all of this and heard me beg for help and heard me being told to go away and sort it out myself. They were busy. So that's where my anger came from.
I'm not angry anymore. It upsets me that it happened and that they treated me this way. And that the organisation then did everything in their power to disprove my claim and made it unbearable for me to work for them. And that they kept re-triggering me on purpose. It wasn't fair. It wasn't right. They shouldn't have done it. But when all is said and done - it did happen.
So now I move on. And I start enjoying my life again. Discover new things about me. Try new things.
At the age of 46 - I'm finally going to get my first tattoo. I've wanted one for years - but was always too afraid. Not anymore.
So this tattoo is going to sybolise my new beginning. My rebirthing - if you like. It will be a celebration of me and my rediscovered spirituality. I can't say what my design is - because funnily enough - after all that I have shared with you - the design would identify me. Lol. God I find that funny.
Yes your humour is far better than mine. So are some of your t-shirt slogans.
I think there is a real market out there for our slogans.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor28 Jan 2017, 11:20 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@utopia it seems really funny that your tattoo would identify you because mine would identify me also!!

Mine is very small and I did get it when I travelled overseas many years ago. I told my parents the only thing I was going to bring back with me was a tattoo - was half joking at the time - then I got it my last day in my favourite city in Europe.

I don't do much talking in sessions - just a lot of agreeing or disagreeing with statements and things that my psych summises from my reactions. She really must be getting close to the end of the questions she can ask me!!! There are some things I just can't handle at all - and some things that she knows I react really badly to but continues to push. She does stop when she can see that I am getting too distressed and overwhelmed.

My GP is really just my sounding board for everything else in my life - can probably be most honest with her on exactly how I am feeling because she doesn't pretend that she knows everything but she does 'get' me and she does genuinely care.

Were you a 1970 baby too? Oh it seems so long ago!!!

I actually think that we found a completely new line of t-shirts today. How do these sound? -

1. a picture of a can with worms sticking out of the top. Each worm has a tiny speech bubble with just single words in them - such as hope, grief, pain, loss, sad, happy confused, numb, coping etc.

And maybe the can could be carried on the back of some ants (just for you!)

2. A bee flying around the front of a t-shirt - caption reads: Have you heard the buzz around mental illness?

Just a few suggestions to ponder.

My brain isn't working very well. I am actually really exhausted and my headache isn't any better. I'm struggling to stay on top of my own thoughts at the moment. I am scared of how this will affect me during the night but more in regards to my emotional state if I can't sleep or have nightmares.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor28 Jan 2017, 11:25 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@utopia all the trauma stuff is something I could talk about with my friend - and she really listened. She knows more about me than my GP and psych together. She could also ask questions that I wasn't afraid of answering - sometimes it took a while but I would get there in the end.

And I never once felt unconfortable or regretted talking to her about all that stuff.

I really miss my friend

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor28 Jan 2017, 11:34 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Your new tshirt slogans are perfect @Zoe7. Had me with the worms. Love the bee idea. That slogan could be used for mental health week. I really like it.
When I went overseas - volunteering program - I too jokingly said - I'll come home with a child. Thinking I might just have to take one from the orphanage. But no. Two weeks after arriving home - the stick said - positive!! Lol. We need to be mindful of what we jokingly say we will come home with.
Have you taken something for your headache? A paracetamol? Not sure if I can even say that drug name here.
Are you finding you are holding a lot of your stress in your neck and shoulders? Maybe an iice pack could help. Too hot here for a heatpack.
What do you normally do when you are struggling? Do you have a comfort box that you use? Like puzzles, favorite movie or music, art or craft activities, favorite blanket or socks. Something that you find soothing or even distracting?

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor28 Jan 2017, 11:44 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Ha ha @utopia thank god I only came home with a tattoo!!!!!!!!!

I'm not sure if you remember LOL but at the beginning of this week I kinda used up my supply of things that would help with my headache and my sleep!!!!!!!! I know this really isn't funny but if I don't think of it with some humour I will let it really get to me again.

I am holding a lot of stress in my neck and shoulders but my whole body is aching also. I am hoping this is just my body reacting to the pressure I have put it under this week and not anything else.

There is nothing I have found as yet that will help me with my sleep other than the meds. When I am really struggling during the day I can sleep but at night it becomes very frustrating because of the nightmares and constant waking. I wake up even more tired than when I went to bed. I know the pattern so well - that is why I am trying to stay awake as long as I can to avoid the inevitable.

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor28 Jan 2017, 11:45 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7. She must be special to help you to open up to her. And I understand how much you miss her. I really do.
It's a very special relationship that you shared with her. And that she shared with you.
It's so frustrating when our journeys don't match up - in time . I mean - you may be ready for this deep friendship - but she may not be ready. She may be wanting or needing to work on other areas of her life at the moment.
Do you think she is withdrawing because she thinks she shared too much?

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor28 Jan 2017, 11:50 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7. Do you take AD's or other medication daily? If so, have you not taken anything since that night? I'm just thinking you could also be going through a withdrawal - if you haven't had any for a few days.

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