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Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor26 Jan 2017, 5:39 pm AEDT

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

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In response to: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor28 Jan 2017, 4:09 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@utopia I am starting to believe that THE NEED that you, and I, both have is not because we want to know the ins and outs of someone else's life - we just feel the connection, the love, the trust so passionately and fully that we want them to be able to share in our wonderful feelings and believe in a mutual respect, mutual and unwavering trust and a shared compassion for each other and the life that could be with each other in it. I don't believe this will be the case in my circumstance (I want to hold out hope but I don't think that is realistic) but I really hope it will be the case for you. Whatever comes - here with you when I can be - walking with you at other times.

Hugs to you to my friend - enjoy meditating but don't meditate near an ant's nest LOL

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Shaz51Senior Contributor28 Jan 2017, 4:11 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Hi @BlueBay I also really liked @Zoe7 & @utopia 's discussion aout friendship. -- I agree totally @Appleblossom xx

Hello @Happyness, @Zoe7

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor28 Jan 2017, 4:18 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Hi @Shaz51

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Shaz51Senior Contributor28 Jan 2017, 4:25 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Hello @Zoe7

It is soooo lovely to see your butterfly around again xx

you are a wonderful, caring friend xx

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor28 Jan 2017, 6:49 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7. I played a beautiful ap and sat and breathed and meditated. I didn't sit near any ants. Lol. I chose to sit in my room.
I eventually layed down (sore back) and continued.
Green was my starting colour. Soothing centering green. But I could see sparkling gold on the edges. I let the green go & the gold light was right above my head & then draping over my whole body.
It's simply about pure love.
Not a romantic love.
Not a friendly love.
But a pure, no limits love.
Yes I like what you wrote. Love without judgements or conditions.
I fell asleep for the last 15 minutes - although I could still hear the ap in my head.
When I woke. I thought - well, I didn't 'see' anything. I didn't get anything.
I was a bit dissaoointed.
But then I started chopping and grating vegies and getting the Chow Mien started. (Oh it's smelling good).
While I was doing that - it hit me.
I will survive.
If he calls and wants to talk - that would be so wonderful. I'd really appreciate that.
If he doesn't call - it will hurt. And maybe that has to be part of my lesson.
But I'll survive if this happens. I'll post about it from time to time. I'll cry. I'll hurt. I'll wonder why. Exactly as I have been doing for the past month.
But I'll still survive. Still work and read and meditate and learn and keep moving forward. Because I can.
You asked if there was a way that I could connect with my friend, but still keep myself protected.
The answer is NO. Definitely not.
The beauty, as you know of this type of love, of this type of friendship, is that I need to be truly open and honest.
That means being vulnerable. I think you need to be fully vulnerable - if you are to experience this type of pure love - this type of friendship.
It's what makes it so special. So different from other friendships. It's also why it can be so painful.
I think the decision is - can you continue to be open and honest and vulnerable & be willing to accept that pain may be a part of it also.
I believe I can.
♥♥♥♥♥

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor28 Jan 2017, 6:53 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7. I think the word I was struggling to get out - was agendas.
A pure love. A pure friendship - without any agendas.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor28 Jan 2017, 7:24 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Yep @utopia a pure, no limits love - I think you have it spot on there

I wholeheartedly agree with your comments about being totally vulnerable.You can only experience the joy and happiness that this type of friendship brings with it if you actually place yourself on the line for that person and yourself also - ALL IN!!

Yes it can also bring the deepest of pain and the greatest of losses but to have felt that kind of love for a friend - unconditionally and without any agendas is truly a blessing.

I really hope that in your situation the outcome is a good one - I know you have been hurting intensely also and I want that to stop for you. I believe you can move forward under any circumstance because you have carefully thought about almost every scenario possible and your answer is still the same - nothing will change how you feel about your friend - it's just the feelings you have inside that may fluctuate according to the responses (or lack of them).

And you will survive - maybe with a small piece of your heart missing but also maybe with it growing even bigger. Whatever the outcome you know I understand and I will share in your joy or help you navigate your way through any disappointment.

Here with you on this journey

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor28 Jan 2017, 7:54 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7. My pain is not continuous. Because I still try and keep myself centered and functioning and reenergised, as much as I can.
So there are days when I do not read or want to talk much to others. But as you have discovered, there are also days when I love nothing more than to talk. Lol.
My journey of working through my mental health issues & of rediscovering who I am - what I like - new interests (local aboriginal history and aboriginal sites in my area) - and discarding some of my old intrests - even some friendships (that serve no purpose & have become toxic). This journey, allowed me the time and the willingness to be open. Not just with my old friend - but here on this site, in my community, with my friends.
Maybe I've just reached the age where I think - 'why hide who you are'.
I share my MI with others - without shame or fear. I share my feelings and emotions. I share my good with my bad - my ups and downs.
This is who I am. They can either love me for me - or frankly - they can just piss off.
Now that I'm learning who I am - I don't want to stop this journey. Even when it brings pain. Because ultimately, that's part of life.
So if my old friend is unable or unwilling to reconnect - so be it. I will hurt. But I'll survive and move past it.
But at least I will know that I put myself out there and tried again (in a stalkish way) to reach out to him, through his other friends. And that was outside of my normal comfort zone. But again, I did it. I survived.
And to let you know - off topic now - my dinner was a disaster. It smelt good but had almost no fkavour. So I just smothered it in salt. My arteries can deal with it later.
Don't think my son wilk go back for seconds. Good thing he ate a big meal at China Town for lunch.
Do you have any plans tonight? Any good movies or comedies on tv where you are? Maybe a relaxing bath and soothing music. Or crank up some Aussie rock and dance around your lounge room. Is so much fun when you know no one can see you.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor28 Jan 2017, 8:37 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@utopia shame about your dinner - sounded appetising - oh well - salt to the rescue!!!

I know you are well in advance of me in relation to how you interact with people and simply live your life.

For me - disclosing anything about either my mental or physical state to those around me is too much. There are so many variables at play that I just can't deal with it. I find it hard enough with my GP and psychologist. I try to keep any emotions or feelings to myself but this often comes at the cost of my health.

I've got the cricket on atm - sound off again - still not coping with noise. It's starting to get dark out and nights are the hardest for me. I am feeling exhausted tonight, have a headache and don't feel great. Maybe the last week has finally caught up to me - and I'm starting to feel again. This scares me a little bit but I am nowhere near as low as I was the other night. I was starting to feel like this last night but you and @Faith-and-Hope got me over the major bump. I'm not tired which is a major problem because I know I can't just sleep - wish I could but know I won't and in this state will definitely have nightmares. Sorry for laying this all on you tonight - just needed to get it out more than anything.

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor28 Jan 2017, 9:02 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

You are not laying anything on me @Zoe7. We are simply two friends having a chat about life and it's challenges.
My journey with MI is a lot easier and simpler than most people on this site. It didn't feel like it when I was in the middle of the PTSD or the panic attacks - I really really hate panic attacks.
I grew up with a mentally ill undiagnosed father. But also a strong mum who didn't believe anything needed to be kept hidden. I could discuss anything with mum. Which is probably one reason I'm comfortable talking about my stuff.
I saw my dad struggle so hard - without relief. It was bloody hard to watch & a nightmare to live through his fluctuating moods.
When I got sick after a workplace incident - I did whatever I could to get better and fast. I didn't want to end up with an untreated lifelong of PTSD.
And luckily for me - workcover footed the bill. And luckily I grew up with a strong mum.
And luckily I found the right therapists at the right time.
So I have been luckier than most.
And I don't believe MI is anything to be ashamed of. We didn't ask for it. We didn't cause it. We have an illness the same aa any other type of illness of the body.
God I'm waffling. This is where you need to tell me to 'zip it'.

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