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Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor26 Jan 2017, 5:39 pm AEDT

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

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In response to: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor28 Jan 2017, 11:58 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Yes @utopia I think she initially withdrew because she had shared too much and also she is just in a different place and really can't cope with her own life let alone having someone else in it to complicate it for her. I still wish it wasn't the case but she needs to do what she can do to help herself first. Even though I believe in her I don't think she believes in herself and I maybe she really didn't feel the same about our friendship as I did. I really don't know anymore. I just want her to be happy and healthy and have the brughtest of futures.

Sh#t it makes me cry just thinking about it

I really just want the world for her! She so deserves it!

I still have my AD's - didn't add all of those to the mix - had plenty of other stuff to chose from at the time - lots of meds that we had tried previously that had been just thrown in the draw and left there

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor29 Jan 2017, 12:09 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7. That's good you still have your AD's. You don't want to miss taking those.
My previous post got removed. I should have said headache tablet instead of the other word. Doesn't matter though.
Can a hot or cokd shower - with the taps turned right up - help you with your sore body? Thinking it might help relax your muscles a little & that could help with your headache.
Yes, you want what is best for your friend. You want her to have the best life possible. I understand that desire.
Putting someone else's needs before our own. But I bet, she would also want the same for you.

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor29 Jan 2017, 12:14 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7. It's hard when people believe in us - but we can't see it - can't feel it. I couldn't believe those sort of words when I was at my sickest. Maybe you can't either. And maybe your friend can't. And that may really frighten her.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor29 Jan 2017, 12:20 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Maybe they removed it also to take our slogan for mental health week @utopia - sneaky mods are taking over our business LOL

I hope she wants the same for me - just won't quite be the same not having her around. Whenever anything happened - good or bad - she was always the first person I thought about that I wanted to tell - maybe she knew that and it was too much for her to cope with. It wasn't that I was reliant on her just that she was the only person I trusted and knew no matter how large or small it was she would listen.

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor29 Jan 2017, 12:38 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

I know exactly what you mean @Zoe7. I shared my best news - finding the Aboriginal Water Wells & my worst - the hospitalisation and ultimately, death of my friend and 'other' mum. He was the first person I told. The first person that I wanted to tell. The first person I wanted to hear from.
Shit. Maybe I was needy. Too needy. Not the sort of friendship he wanted with a .... stranger - I guess.
Well, I can't know that if I haven't been told. So no point trying to work it out or worry about it now. Something just to put aside for the moment and look at another time.
Wow. That went quickly from trying to help you - to being all about me. Sorry.
When trying to sleep tonight - would it help at all to think of the conversations you had with your friend. The conversations that were not about MI or trauma. The general everyday conversations.
Would that help you sleep with a happy memory as your last thought - before you fall asleep?

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor29 Jan 2017, 12:53 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@utopia We are helping each other here - well I hope so anyway.

I seem to be very good at crying a lot these days. Sometimes it is because I still feel so lost, sometimes it is because of what I believe I have lost and won't ever get back, sometimes it's because I remember fondly moments I shared with my friend and sometimes just because I don't know what else to do. There were actually times when she would talk to me to help me get to sleep and somehow both her voice and the long silences (even though I knew she was still there) made me feel safe and I could fall asleep.

I think this is just all too mixed up in my head right now and my week has been so tough that I can't really see the light yet. Yes I know it can get easier - it certainly can't get much harder and the fact is now - the way I am now - she wouldn't want me in her life anyway - who needs someone so f***ed up around them! I just need to accept that it has ended but I will continue to hope she is ok and safe and moving on in her life.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor29 Jan 2017, 12:59 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

I'm sorry @utopia I think I need to go and hide away for a while before my negative thoughts and feelings start taking over completely. I really appreciate our conversations tonight and last night but just at this point I don't feel like I have much more to give. My head hurts - infact every part of me is aching at the moment - maybe if I just lay down I will be able to get some sleep - and my tears are making it really hard to type. Just another day in a mixed up life

Thanks for your support.

Sleep tight my friend

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor29 Jan 2017, 1:10 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

I liked your post @Zoe7 - even though I disagree with you. You are not so f****d up. You're hurting. That's all. Sounds simple - even though I know it's not.
Maybe soon you will be able to smile - because she was your friend and she was in your life - even if it wasn't long enough for you. You connected to each other. You opened up to each other. That is special.
Yes it hurts, because that part of your relationship is over, at the moment. But you also got to have her in your life. That will always be true.
Love - pure love - doesn't end. It doesn't stop being - because one person isn't there anymore. But that same love. That same pure love - needs to be given to your self. You have shared that love with your friend. Now it's time to give that love to you.
That same love will help ease the pain. Will help you cope. Will help you function and sleep better.

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor29 Jan 2017, 1:13 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Sweet dreams @Zoe7. Take care of yourself.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor29 Jan 2017, 1:44 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

❤️💕 Sleep well @Zoe7 .....

See you tomorrow.

🌷

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