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Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor26 Jan 2017, 5:39 pm AEDT

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

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In response to: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor28 Jan 2017, 12:35 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Hi @Happyness

No things aren't great atm but that is something I need to find a way to work through.

Calling SANE helpline or anyone else is not something I am able to do atm as I can't even talk - so much easier to type and still be somewhat disconnected from reality.

Had some great support on here last night to help me get through though.

Hope you are ok!

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor28 Jan 2017, 1:23 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7. OMG -(teen talk time - lol). You helped me soooo much last night. And all week. Focusing on you and your needs - also allows me to step back from my own worries and overthinking.
When someone posts on this forum - it does help us all - even if that was not the posters intention.
And it is often easier to give advice to others - than to ourselves. God. I'm a big example of that!!
But I have heard what you have said about my old friend & I agree with you 100%.
I do need to be clear with him (& myself - always- although hard sometimes) - what I need from this friendship. And what I can't accept. And what is not good for me.
We will just see how it goes.
I'm actually feeling a lot calmer ans stronger about this since talking to you. So thank you.
@Faith-and-Hope. Wow. Now you have the dreaded bug as well as some of your family.
Dose them up - but more importantly - dose yourself up. You do so much for all of us here at SANE. Please take time to nurture yourself too. You cannot help others - if you are not helping yourself first.
Sending both of you amaxing women my love and respect.
Yes- stay in doors and nurture yourself today @Zoe7. Whatever you need.
I am here. But don't forget - so is your gp and psychologist. Call them if you need.
Love you. ♥♥

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor28 Jan 2017, 1:50 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@utopia Aren't we a fine pair LOL - can't help ourselves but can help each other, can't keep are most important friend relationships but want the same things for them, can't be kind to ourselves without someone else telling us to!!!! (still not convinced on this one just yet - but do hear you )

At the risk of stretching our friendship - do you know what you do really want from your friend - what you will accept and how you will deal with the fallout if it is not what you actually desire? You don't have to answer to me but maybe these are some really tough questions you need to answer for yourself - to at least go into this with your eyes wide open and knowing what the outcome may be for both of you. Are you able to carry part of his load on your shoulders and protect yourself at the same time?

I certainly don't have any answers here for you - the past week has certainly proven that - I suppose these are some questions I also had - and chose to ignore - or decided that some things are worth the risk and now have to deal with the outcome.

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor28 Jan 2017, 2:44 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7. Yes we are a fine pair. Lol.
But it's not that WE couldn't keep our friends -iit's that THEY were unable (at this time. I'm ever the optimist) to stay.
That's not a reflection on US. It's a reflection on THEM. We cannot carry that burden. It is not ours to carry.
Do I know what I want from my friend?
Some. Yes.
I want to hear his story - all of it - the good the bad and the ugly.
Why? I'm not 100% sure. But I really feel that it has something to do with healing ME. I understand that sounds strange. But it's hard to explain.
For some reason - I've held onto him, in my memories, my hopes and my fears. For 30 years.
I believe there is a letting go of things - not sure what will come up - but I do feel that need to release .... something. I'm not even sure if I know what it is yet - that I need to release - that I need to open - to see - and then to close.
it doesn't make sense. But the urge - this desire - this knowing. It is strong. It is something from the past that I cannot remember. It is painful. I feel that. But I don't know what it is.
Wow. This is making me cry. Because it is such a powerful feeling - yet it seems so far away - that I cannot see or reach it.
I've told him that there are things that I need to say. Some things I know. Some things are just out of reach. But I believe - once I start talking - if he is willing to give me the time - to do that - face to face - then the answer will come.
So it is for selfish reasons. Somehow, what ever is trapped inside me - I believe is connected to his story.
Sorry you asked yet?
Yes, there are thoughts - dreams of romantic love. But after writing this - I really don't see that as the main purpose.
What ever IT is - has been holding me back. And I think that it's connected to MY healing (& hopefully also my friends healing) & to my journey moving forward.
Wow. Thanks for letting me think (type) out loud. I get my clearest answers sometimes this way.
Yes there will be pain - in hearing his story. And there will be pain is dislodging whatever it is that is stuck inside me. But, I've come this far. And I will cope with whatever happens.
Have you come up with any answers for yourself?

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor28 Jan 2017, 3:27 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Oh sh*t @utopia - I did open up a can of worms didn't I!!!

Good on you - I actually understand everything you just wrote - the conflicting thoughts, being able to know (actually know) your friend, to understand where he comes from, who he is, what he needs/wants and how you can connect with him on a deeper level that also includes both trust and support.

Needing to have answers for yourself is also very important - it will help you to understand your relationship with him now and also over the last 30 years - and you may find some answers for yourself (about yourself) that you previsously did not know.

I think that it may be more than just letting go of things for you (but I may be wrong) - I believe that you want him to know that you are by his side with ALL that is him and not just the parts that most people want to or can deal with - in other words - YOU ARE ALL IN : no judgements, no conditions - just friendship, love and support.

Yes you do still have things that you need to say to him also - things that are very important to you and the feelings you have had on this rollercoaster ride with him - so maybe there is one condition - that the dialogue you have is two-ways and each one of you needs to be able to hear each other fully before you can move forward.

I hope that makes some sense to you!

And no - I still don't have answers for myself - remember I am better at helping others and seeing what they need but not so good at doing that for myself. Let's just concentrate on you this weekend and hoping for a positive outcome for you.I'll deal with me another time - don't think I'm really at a place that I can look inward at the moment without there being more fallout - so I'm happy just getting by for now.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

BlueBaySenior Contributor28 Jan 2017, 3:44 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

It's so nice to see two people @Zoe7 and @utopia helping each other.

Thinking of you @Zoe7 hope you're okay

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

HappynessSenior Contributor28 Jan 2017, 3:45 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

How about giving up something for nine days as an offering to 'Father God'

I don't know much,

But i've literally just done a 'Novenna'

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

AppleblossomSenior Contributor28 Jan 2017, 3:50 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Hi @BlueBay I also really liked @Zoe7 & @utopia 's discussion aout friendship.

In the DSM lack of good friendships or relationships is often a criteria leading to a MH diagnosis .. without investigating the circumstances. I disagree with these presumptions, but AGREE with you that it is complicated .. and often may not be a negative reflection or indication of lack .. in the diagnosed individual.

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor28 Jan 2017, 3:55 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Shite @Zoe7. You are one amazingly perceptive woman.
My can of worms and I thank you.
Yes there is such a hunger - such a need to 'know' it all. Still don't know why. As I haven't felt this need before. I don't know that I see it as a romantic love. It's far far deeper and more important than that.
Another wow. Feelings are just coursing through me as I write that. Overwhelmingly beautiful genuine pure love - emotions are flooding my heart and my core - at the moment.
Tears are flowing. Emotions are high. And fear is lurking about. But that sense of love. That need for a deeper connection - a deeper understanding - with him - is powerfully beautiful.
I don't know if I'll ever know why this connection - to him - is so strong. Maybe I don't need to know that.
But a healing definitely needs to take place. I'm certain of that. And I think the healing is for both of us.
I think I might spend some time contemplating this some more today.
Or better yet & what works for me so well - I might just bring this feeling back up & then meditate on it & 'see' what comes up.
So thank you for letting me get this out. It is also part of my healing and my growth.
You are a good teacher. And I get that this point in time - it's far too emotional for you to go digging into your soul.
again - self love and compassion (&maybe even chocolate) might be good for you this weekend.
I'll write again later. In the meantime, I'll be sending you some gentle nurturing hugs your way.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

BlueBaySenior Contributor28 Jan 2017, 3:56 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7 you are such a beautiful caring person. To be in a bad place like you have been and yet you still are coming on here and trying to help @utopia. You are an amazing person. Such a caring soul xxxooo

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