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Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor26 Jan 2017, 5:39 pm AEDT

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

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In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor28 Jan 2017, 2:07 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Yes @Zoe7. That's what I want you to see in yourself. What others see. What your friend sees. She wouldn't have opened up to you in the first place - unless you created that comfortable space to talk.
Remember that.

In response to: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor28 Jan 2017, 2:11 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@utopia I was just thinking exactly the same thing - it's getting really late and you need to sleep

Thankyou so much for tonight - it really has helped me in so many ways. I really hope your weekend brings with it good news and a reconnection with your friend. I will be around - even if it is to check in to see how you are going and if you have any news. My thoughts are with you and my hopes for a positive outcome as well.

You have definitely helped me tonight - more than you could ever imagine xxx

Sweet dreams to you also

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor28 Jan 2017, 2:21 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Faith-and-Hope I hope you are resting up at the moment. I think I might try and get some sleep also. Hope you are feeling better soon

In response to: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor28 Jan 2017, 5:29 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Wow @Zoe7 ..... that's so lovely to hear .... I actually think it's my mum reflecting through me .... she was a wonderful woman and my time with we was too short .... 😔

I have stopped for dinner here, but for the last few hours I haven't been reviewing forum email notifications .... this one just came through now ....

Give me a little while to read back over your posts and I will see if there is anything I can add .... but @utopia is very similar in outlook to me I think, so perhaps I will only be embellishing what she has already said .... 💕

Back soon .....

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor28 Jan 2017, 6:05 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Hi @Zoe7 .... 😊💕

I have just caught up, npbut I expect you will be sleeping now, and sleeping is important for your health.

@utopia is so full of pearls of wisdom, I find it hard to add anything significant other than to "second" everything she has said.

Often those who struggle with si or sh tend to be the most sensitive of souls .... but perhaps needing to develop more self-compassion .... there is usually a very noisy Inner Critic in there somewhere, and whike that part of our personality has its purposes, it needs to npbe kept in balance, like not over-using the salt in cooking.

Being the sensitive soul you are, your compassion is poured out to everyone else, and that does make you someone very worthy of listening to .... some of the most powerful voices on this forum have been where you have .... and there is something about powerful struggles that results in other powerful things, such as compassion, and other inner strengths.

Now that you have identified that edge, steer well clear of it with all your might, and keep telling yourself you can and will become well, no matter how long it takes .... and keep an eye out for special fpgifts along the way.

I consider this forum and the special people in it just such a gift ....

Sleep well @Zoe7 .... rest ... breathe ....

❤️💕

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor28 Jan 2017, 11:03 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Beautiful words as always @Faith-and-Hope. We jave become a little bit like a tag team over the last few nights, supporting our friends. It'sso good to be in your ccompany.
@Zoe7. Good morning. The sun is shining here in country Victoria. It's going to be a gorgeous day.
I've scrubbed the shower. You don't want to know how bad it was.
I'll do the rest of the bathroom after I come back from shopping. Half day shopping only in country town.
I also have to vacuum sweep and mop the house today. Max did a wee & little Abbey, an accident in the house last night. All cleaned up. But I'll give the floors a good mop over as well.
I think that sounds like my day.
My mum has taken my boy to Melbourne for the Chinese New Year. He really loves his chinese food!
Tonight is also the new moon - which encourages us to put our intentions, wants and needs out into the universe. This us a powerful year of change. But for change to occur - we need to be mindful of what it is we want for our life - & what we want to get rid of.
So be mindful today. And take things slowly. Nothing needs to be rushed today. Sit outside listening to the birds. Watch the leaves move in the breeze. It's a day of great calm.
Yes, I'm a spiritual person without a religious faith. @Faith-and-Hope is religious with a strong faith in her god.
Although we come from different corners - some people would think.
I believe we come from the same corner - that of love. And a belief in others. Compassion and love - can move mountains.
You show that to all of us here at the forum. The most deserving person if this compassion and love - is yourself.
So be kind to yourself today. Ignore self doubt and self hate - tell that negative self talk - to piss off today - it's not wanted. You are busy with self love.♥♥
And I will definitely post and let you know as soon as I hear anything from my friend.
Oh - I have to keep my expectations and nerves in check. And just focus on what I need. Being sure he is ok. And then letting him know - losing contact this way was painful for me. And I don't want 'the disappearing act' to happen again - without letting me know - first.
Will see how I go.
Sending you love.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor28 Jan 2017, 11:40 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@utopia @Faith-and-Hope

The sun is out here too but it is quite windy - I really hate the wind - triggers too much for me. I think it's best I just stay inside today - maybe try and get some more sleep and ignore the noises around me - and those in my own head. I don't have much energy still to do anything but I am ok.

Last night - and you both keeping me company - really helped me get through and 'stay out of my own head'. I am harder on myself than anyone else could be but it is often the little things that are done or said - that really shouldn't get to me - that can have the biggest effect. My own self-doubts and negative self-talk become increasingly amplified until I just shut down to cope. I hate being in this place but I know that the other side - where I feel all that is going on - is too painful to cope with. So being connected last night really allowed me to focus on something other than my own feelings.

Writing (or typing) actually helps me 'stay outside of myself' and separate my body and mind to be able to cope better. Writing comes very easily when I am low - but is more difficult when I am very low and can't motivate myself to do anything. So this would suggest that I am not as bad at the moment as I feel - because I can still write! I know that it became much easier over time last night to respond to your posts - and hopefully I supported you in some of the things I wrote also.

@utopia it is clear that it is very important for you to be able to let your friend know how you feel. I'm not sure if I have said this to you before but I will say it now again anyway: Do what you need to do for yourself to find some peace in your own mind. Whatever the outcome - you will at least know you have done all that you can to let him know exactly how you feel and where you stand. If he is not in a place to accept your amazing friendship, support and compassion then at least you have let him know that it is being offered and always available. (and yes I do need to be able to take my own advice!!!) It really is HIS loss if he is not in a place to keep you in his life

Sending you all the positive thoughts and love I can find today - and my heartfelt thankyou for helping get through last night

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor28 Jan 2017, 11:48 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Hi @Zoe7 @utopia .... 🌷

I have woken up with a night cough ... have finished a lozenge and will go back to sleep for a while now. S2 was up coughing in the next room, so have dosed him up as well.

Enjoy that sunshine. It's 1deg here right now, expecting a top of 11deg later today.

G'night .... lol ... 😴

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor28 Jan 2017, 11:55 am AEDT