Am Not Coping

Hi @Zoe7

I can see you are having a really awful awful night. You have gotten through these nigths before, and you know that sometimes the nights are not as bad or as long, a little while ago you were starting to sleep a little better, that will happen again.

Im not sure, and we'll never know, but i think this stuff breaks free at some point no matter what. There's only so long that our brains can withhold it.

please reach out for support tonight from the crisis lines if you arent safe. I'm worried for you. If you were to give up now, you would be robbing yourself of the chance to beat this crap, and you dont know what is possible until its done. I know you've seen amazing things in the kids youve taught before, so have I. Humans are pretty amazing in what they can withstand. And i know that you can get through another sucky, crappy night. Tomorrow you can reach out to your psychiatrist or someone, a locum gp for some alternative support while your GP is away. just gotta get through this night,

hugs

lj

That's why I think it's important to phone your psychiatrist in the morning @Zoe7. Unfortunately, you may need an increase in one of your meds again, or another added (even just temporarily).

When we don't sleep, our brains literally can't function properly. Forget Mental Illness. No one's brain can function on no sleep adequate sleep for 3 days.

Then your mind keeps focusing only on the negatives, your traumas, and keeps playing them over and over. It doesn't let your brain admit to anything positive that you have managed to achieve these past few weeks. Or the years before that. The brain is so exhausted itself, that it just can't find those positive thoughts or memories. It can only recall that which is closest to the surface - the pain - the trauma.

Do you think you are able to keep yourself safe tonight? I'm not asking for you to promise me. I'm just asking if you feel that you can manage another 5 or 6 hours until the sun comes up?

@utopia @Former-Member I will be ok - what I want and what will happen are very different. Both of you should sleep and I'm going to go and hope that that happens for you both

@Zoe7. I've only just taken my night meds. Bit late I know. But i forgot to take my morning tablets until 6.30pm - so I figure that's okay.

If you want to try and sleep or lie on the couch quietly - that's okay. I'm still here and awake. My sleeping tablets have already stopped working for me since I got home. And I did have a nap this afternoon.

I hope you manage some dreamless sleep tonight my friend @Zoe7.

I'm ff to bed and hoping to get to sleep quickly. I have my first Mental Health support meeting tomorrow. So for the first time in weeks, I've set the alarm. lol. Going to be a shock to the system, but the dogs normaly wake me up anyway.

I'm rucking your favourite blanket over you tonight as you lie down on your couch. I;m not very far away. You are in my thoughts.

I am still awake, still struggling and still so very tired. I sit in the silence but there is so much noise. I am alone but I do not feel 'on my own'. I know that every breathe I take is another moment survived and every second that ticks by brings me closer to the sunrise but I have been frozen to the same spot for hours now - not wanting to move from fear of what may lay in the darkness and not able to move because of the powerlessness I feel within my body. The debilitating thoughts have not subsided, the intensity of the feelings continue to paralyse me. How can I continue to get through this time after time. Every day a little more of me is destroyed - a little more of me is taken again. I do feel defeated, I do feel like it is getting closer and closer to the end, and I do not want to continue along this painful journey. Something has to 'give' very soon or I will finally be in a place that there is no coming back from! I do still have a tiny bit of hope but that is diminishing quickly with each passing day, hour, minute!

The waves are beginning to become so strong that I am finding it difficult to surface for air before being pushed back under again. I can no longer even see the shore, let alone have the strength to try to reach it. There is no moon, no stars, no light to break up the darkness. I feel I am heading further and further 'out to sea' until the time comes that I am consumed by the secrets that lie within.

I am so, so very tired...

Dont know how you'd go with a dolphin sitting on your shoulder @Zoe7 ..... but I'm here .... 🐬💕

I buzzed around the forums a bit last night, and I saw you reaching out on other threads .... so I thought you were feeling okay ..... I missed the rest of this thread until this morning .... 😔 ... I hope you have managed to doze a little in there somewhere soul-sista .....🦋🎨🌷

I have been sleeping longer these last three days .... two nights with 8 hours, and two nights with 6 hours .... with all the walking I have been doing, I expected that would have been happening before now, but it is happening at least, and some of my mid-section weight is finally, finally, moving. I have had a 12 year battle with this thing ... 10 years to try to move this waistline .... :face_with_rolling_eyes: ... but it's happening.

My D3 is slowly improving, but I know it is more than the physical back injury and headache .... it's the working for her dad issue and upcoming trip away with WH and mil .... but we all have to take everything one step at a time .... at the moment she still has room to keep taking those steps, and guess what ?? She's painting ..... 🎨❣️

She is not only painting, but I realised this year that she has a completely different style to me. She is very illustrative in the way she paints, like Disney-style .... S2 can produce manga-style illustrative work, and both can work out of their imaginations in ways I haven't tried to do, at least not for a long time.. It reminds me of your butterfly girl ....

It's still early here ... you have probably guessed .... 😏 .... I woke up at 4am. D3 had wanted to watch another movie in a series she is revisiting with me last night .... and I have to put the iPad down for that or she feels that I am not really watching ..... and interestingly, there were large parts of it I haven't seen before. I think it's one of those I had only seen in bits and pieces across the room when the kids were younger, and it was less of this movie than I realised .... but by the end of it Incouldnt keep y eyes open.

Might doze off again in a little while .... 😴 .... hopefully, if the birds haven't started their morning song by then. You will have daylight there now, I suppose ....

Save that coffee for me, and I will make you a tea later .... 💚💕

That's me pouring yours ..... ❣️

Hugs ..... 💐🦋💕

Cat and Elsie did a beauty shoot for their mums the other day, this one is especially for you @Zoe7 🙂

I hope you were able to get to sleep and got some rest in with Toby, we are thinking about you