Am Not Coping

@oceangirl Don't drink coffee! Will try to take Toby out

@oceangirl.Now I have to think of who I know in South Queensland where my son and I could stay. All I can think of is my first husbands family. Not going to happen.

Oh, actually I have a cousin in the hills near the Gold Coast. My son would get a big buzz out of going and seeing a few events. I'll have to look into it a bit. Might be cheep bus fare. And sleeping on our cousins couch for a couple of nights. That might be doable.

GP is away and uncontactable @utopia - conference overseas

Devastating - yes - sometimes so unbearable that I don't just disassociate - I pass out!

@Zoe7. Are you safe when you pass out? Probably not. Didn't you hit your head last time? Concussion?

I wish I could help you sleep and have a dreamless night. When are you seeing one of your psych or gp next?

@utopia It was easier to say that I slipped and hit my head! I cannot explain how it makes me feel - it is more than feeling sick and more than fear - I really cannot explain the feelings!

My GP is back tomorrow week and I don't see my psych for another 4 weeks.

Chin up 🙂

Okay @Zoe7. So what numbers do you have to contact someone while your gp is away?

I'm sure you can call your psychiatrist tomorrow. Just having a phone chat can often be enough to help calm down the thoughts going on in your brain and reduce your anxiety to a level that is easier to handle.

You also have the online services of LifeLine and Suicide Call Back Service. It may be easier for you, I think you've said that before, to write, rather than talk to one of these help lines.

And you have us, me. And Lunar and NikNik.

@utopia I can't talk about it - I literally cannot verbalise any of it. When I have tried I completely shut down. It is too hard - it is beyond hard! I think it comes to a point where you have to ask yourself if you can really keep going like this - there is 'quality of life' - it's not even living - and I should have the choice!

I agree with you @Zoe7. We all have the right to choose. I don't judge peoples decisions. I don't live their life. My experiences are mine. Your experiences are yours. Even if two people have very similar experiences - we each react differently.

I think what is most important thing in life is quality of life. It's not about if we have a Mental Illness, or a physical or intelectual disability. It's about trying to find the best way to have the quality of life that you, the individual seek.

There has been improvements for you with the Psychiatrist you now have and the medication seems to be helping. You are managing 2 days of sleep without the awful nightmares. 3rd day seems to be a right b**ch for you. Not sleeping or terrifying memories.

Tonight unfortunately is a bloody rough night for you. So could we use some temporary diversions? Somethings to get you through the night, until the sun rises again.

It has now been 3 nights in a row @utopia - and each night has been worse than the one before and I didn't think that was even possible! It's beyond fear now! I think @Former-Member described it something like a movie playing over and over in your head. For me it is like several movies playing at once - one superimposed onto another onto another onto another.... I wish 2 things int he last 6 months hadn't happened - that I never started the process of 'trying' to deal with any of this and that I hadn't failed all those months ago to end the pain.