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Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor26 Jan 2017, 5:39 pm AEDT

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

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In response to: Am Not Coping

Shaz51Senior Contributor09 May 2017, 5:22 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

yoou Too @Zoe7,how are you today

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor09 May 2017, 8:17 pm AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

I had a good afternoon with my cousin @Zoe7, despite WH asking me to cancel last minute ..... but I have come home too tired and mind-busy to settle to painting tonight. I am going to mend some favourite clothing instead .... and feel a bit productive that way.

How are you travelling ?

💜💐

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor10 May 2017, 8:13 am AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

@Faith-and-Hope Great to see that you had a good afternoon with your cousin - and that you stood your ground with WH and didn't cancel - way to go Hon

I took my meds really early and tried to sleep. It wasn't the best night (nightmares again) but I did drift in and out of sleep rather than being totally awake. Finally too much early this morning and had to get up. Am dealing with it now by trying to keep occupied and not 'think' anymore - not going too well but still trying Life would be so much easier if I could live it without having to sleep!!!!

Hope you have a better day today and WH 'behaves' himself...

Zoe

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

OwlunarSenior Contributor10 May 2017, 9:37 am AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

Oh @Zoe7

What a crappy night - I used to have them - but at least you got some sleep

I still have nights like that even though the past is far behind me now - and I sleep better - but I have nights when I don't sleep

I think I will continue to ignore the Sleep Police - all those things we are not supposed to do because they make sleep harder give me something to think about during hard nights - I am not alone I am sure of that - I would rather read all night than toss and turn

I hope you have the best day you can - yes - I understand that you don't like nights

But I enjoy myself being busy all night long and feel better in the morning if I have not tossed and turned

Dec

In response to: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor10 May 2017, 9:51 am AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

I hope you have a good day today @Zoe7, and maybe get some dozing in later in the day .....

Unfortunately with WH I think it's gong to get worse before it gets any. better. I stood up to him, but he appears to be adding it to a list of misdemeanours ..... MIL levelled a warning at me a few months ago, telling me to reconsider my actions and attitude "before it's too late" .... and I am guessing from that that he has indicated to her an intention to separate from me. If that comes from him, as a result of my "misdemeanours" it is likely to be a far gentler "business deal" type affair than a vindictive, outraged backlash, which is what would most likely happen if I left .....

Again, this is only a result of his unwell mindset, and I have to just keep taking things as they come, but if he chose to separate, and do it "nicely", it would create more breathing space for both of us and the kids .... knowing that his illness is going to continue to decline until it's caught.

Of course his mother doesn't think there is anything at all wrong with him and that I am being a selfish, unsupportive, oppositional, stupid wife ..... and she is having to carry the role in my stead as much as she can from the outside.

While all of that is projection at this stage, there are clear indications that that is what is in the pipeline, despite airfares being paid for Europe in a couple of months, but I am not afraid of it happening. There is only so much I can control and it would actually place his continuing decline under MIL's roof instead of ours, which might be "educational" too .... when she is the one witnessing it becoming more and more physically and mentally obvious without having any way to control, or stop, or reverse it without intervention.

I am hoping it's okay to land all that on you. I expect you will view it the same way I am .... sad, but perhaps. Exessary and somewhat of a short-term relief. Once he is found to be clearly unwell it will show his actions for what they are, and leave room for us to recover all our relationships under therapy.

As such, at the moment, I need to continue with my "misdemeanours" .... 😏

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Unknown userMember10 May 2017, 10:04 am AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

Hey @Zoe7,

thinking of you. I honestly cant imagine what it would be like to have such heightened anxiety around sleep. I hope you are gentle on yourself today. Here hoping is an ok day.

Love and hugs 💜🤗💐

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor10 May 2017, 10:32 am AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

@Faith-and-Hope It is such a difficult situation that you and the kids are in. You guys live with WH everyday and as such are witness to ALL of what this illness is doing to both him and you. MIL only sees what she wants to see and what WH presents to her - that is not the entire 'story' and it can be very easy to dismiss the true signs when one is 'within' the illness and not looking objectively from the outside. MIL of course also has the blinkers on because he is her son and she is very protective of him. What should be obvious - but is not under these conditions and circumstances - is that WH is the one controlling everyone's lives by his constant need to 'monitor' everyone and his persistent need to be the 'decider' for everything in your lives.

If it does come to the stage where he is the one that chooses to separate then that should infact give you all some breathing space - and hopefully this would be the catalyst for both him and his mother to start to recognise what you all have been dealing with and that there is a substantial 'issue' that he needs help with.

As always I know you will continue to 'hold everyone together' - and yourself - and continue to be the strength and love for the entire family. No - it is not an ideal situation by an stretch of the imagination - but love is very powerful and you know the WH that you love is still in there, he is just being overtaken by his illness for now. Faith and Hope will get you through - and we are here supporting you - always - along the way.

Huge hugs and all my love...

Zoe

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor10 May 2017, 10:42 am AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

Thanks @Owlunar and @Former-Member

It certainly isn't the 'ideal' situation having such anxiety around sleep and then 'dealing' with the nightmares etc. I am getting a little better at dealing with it by trying not to 'worry' as much when I can't sleep. The nightmares and waking distressed is more of an issue but I seem to be more alert now after this happens and some of my risk factors are less prominent. My first though used to be 'how can I make this stop and quickly' - now it is more 'ride it out and get through it'. That does not mean that I don't still think about the first but I am less likely to act on those thoughts when I do. That in itself is progress

So much of what I 'suffer' through would be completely avoided if I didn't need to sleep at all - but knowing this isn't the reality I need to continue to struggle on until hopefully one day it gets a lot easier or 'fixed' altogether. That is my hope - I certainly am not that positive for such a favourable outcome either in the short or long term - but knowing that I am finding ways to deal with it a little better does give me a glimmer of hope...

In response to: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor10 May 2017, 10:44 am AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

Thanks @Zoe7 ... I knew you would understand ..... 💜

The "uber thin = beautiful / successful" has come from MIL, so it will take her much longer to realise how ill he is. He is also behaving like a victimised angel in her presence. That can't hold full-time either, but she will take being controlled by him as his expression of love for her ..... and will excuse his bad behaviour as to be expected, "considering how his wife has been treating him and what it has led to ...."

Swings and roundabouts .... it will all come out eventually.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor10 May 2017, 11:23 am AEST

Re: Am Not Coping

It certainly makes it so much more difficult when MIL is not only enabling his behaviour but showing pride in it also. Even though it may take more time for her to see what is really happening - and you may be the one that all blame is placed upon - this cannot be sustained longer term when WH becomes so unwell that the risks of his illness overtake who is to 'blame'. It really is not fair that you are shouldering this burden but it is truly admirable that you are 'standing by' WH despite him trying to push you away (something which he is not even aware of himself). You really are an inspration @Faith-and-Hope - do not ever underestimate your strength and the positive impact you have on so many - WH and MIL will hopefully see this in you also in time...

Here with you and for you...

Zoe

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