Am Not Coping

It's really hard to describe what happens @Mazarita I literally wake not being able to breathe with intense fear, pain and feeling sick. It takes a few moments to realise where I am and that I am not back in that horrible place and time when this happened.

Do you get any ideas on how to deal with it, or meds assistance, from your professional supports, @Zoe7? What do they say about it? I went through a bad period a long time ago when I kept waking in the middle of the night to horror images. They eventually passed with changes in my life. But it was so awful for the many months it went on. Feel for you with it.

It has improved slightly over the last few weeks. I am certainly getting more sleep over the space of a week than I ever have done before. My average has consistently been only about 4 hours a night for a very long time. Now I am getting up to 8 hours 3 or 4 nights a week. The other nights however I am usually awake all night!

We were just starting to touch on the issue with my psychologist before we stopped the sessions. They wer becoming far too distressing and both my GP and psychiatrist recommended strongly to stop because it was becoming too 'dangerous' for me.

At the moment it really is a case of 'getting through'. Even with the meds it is too frightening to even consider sleeping when this happens. I am doing much better at 'coping' now but there are still times that I think about stopping altogether because it is too much.

I'mnot sure it will ever stop completely @Mazarita - no matter what meds or therapy I have!

I understand how completely wearing it would be to have this going on, @Zoe7. I hope they do ease or stop for you with some more time. I remember now that your therapy was becoming too threatening for you. What sort of therapy was that? One thing that was recommended to me was to practice 'changing the ending' of the dreams when I was awake. But get that it might be too hard to even go there. Especially not something to do except in daytime hours. I think the only thing that used to help me was to try to ground myself as much as possible in the waking state. I hope Toby and Cat are a comfort during these times too.

It's been a mixture of EMDR, exposure theraapy and CBT @Mazarita I find it really difficult to verbalise anything and reliving the trauma is far too distressing. None of it was actually helping to diminsh the memories - it has infact done the complete opposite and made it much worse.

Even though I think Iam coping much better and 'getting through' each day better, I still think regularly about how I could put a stop to the 'pain' - some days more than others - and definitely more so at night.

Toby is usually on his pillow on the bed so when I suddenly wake up he does too. Without him there I am not sure what I would do as he is instantly by my side - he knows something is wrong

@Zoe7, emdr was recommended to me when I saw a clinical psychologist. But I refused because my instinct told me it would re-traumatise me. My trauma is from a long time ago and I have been over it myself a million times myself in various ways. Not so intense now but also of a different nature to what you go through, I think (childhood trauma). I ended up discontinuing with that therapist. I've read other people saying emdr retraumatised them too. Even the literature on the net has suggested it's not any kind of proven treatment.

But after waking from nightmares, I used to also do things like sit up straight away out of the dream, get something to eat or drink, feel feet on ground, those kinds of 'real' things to bring me back to the safety of the present. I also used to change rooms if necessary, sleep on the couch instead of the bed. But it sounds like Toby is the best medicine in the immediate waking, lovely Toby!

It's really difficult because it is not just once instance of 'trauma' for me it is multiple traumas which stretch from childhood to early adulthood. Even though the majority is from a long time ago forme also, there is somuch to deal with and the 'details' have become more 'prominent' since I started therapy. The initial 'feeling' when I wake in such a way is pure terror and I am 'frozen' for a few seconds before I can do anything. Those few seconds seem like minutes and it does take a longtime for me to 'calm down' and feel any sense of being present and safe.

@Mazarita Having Toby there certainly is the best medicine when I am in that frame of mind as he does help me to realise that I am in the present and not still in the past.

@Zoe7, so frustrating that therapy has intensified the details of the past. I sometimes feel psychologists experiment too much with us. It's awful that you have had to go through those things and still carry the scars.

But while we've been talking, we've been getting closer to dawn. I know that always used to help me during the worst night times. I've often found dawn to be a time when I can finally get to sleep after being awake in the night.

Do you have anything on tomorrow? I will be cleaning to get the flat ready for the arrival of my mum and friend on Tuesday. They are not staying here but want the flat to look nice as it's the first time my mum has seen it. She hasn't been up this way for many years and this will probably be her last time visiting as she's getting on to 82 now. I've booked them a place within walking distance that is right on the beach so they will wake up looking out over the ocean.

That is so lovely of you @Mazarita - what a beautiful thing to be able to wake up and look staright out at the ocean I hope that your Mum will have plenty of years in the future when she is able to visit again - never say never

I have my GP appointment tomorrow and apart from that nothing else planned. It really does depend on how I am feeling as to what I can push myself to do.Some days there is no point in even trying! I have a feeling that tomorrow is going to be one of those days going on how I am feeling tonight.

Yes it is getting closer to dawn and so I will hopefully be able to geta few hours sleep once it becomes a bit lighter outside. I amso tired tonight that I know I won't be ableto makeit through the day without some sleep like I have been doing over the last few weeks.

This is one of those nights that I wish I had more meds to help me out a little

@Zoe7, I hope my mum is around, like her mother, until she's at least 99! She is still very energetic in her spirit and mind. Travelling by air in your 80s is a bit of a big deal though, and is likely to become more so over time. So I will be back to visiting her again every year after this, which is what I've been doing for many years now. She loves being in her own 'nest' at this time in her life, has always been a bit that way. Talk about someone who has been through traumas and survived, that's my mum. She's an inspiration in so many ways. We talk on the phone every week or so and keep in touch that way even though I can't be there in person all the time.