Am Not Coping

@Mazarita I have a somewhat strained relationship with my mother but that aside I do hope she is around for a long time yet also.

I place so much blame on my mum for so many things - some of it is warranted, some not!

My mum only lives 30 minutes away but sometimes but I don't visit much - usually only for 'special' days - christmas, birthdays etc. I have begun to 'challenge' her more and speak my mind but there is still a distance between us that I can't see ever changing.

@Zoe7, I had a very fraught relationship with mum most of my life and even broke contact with both my parents for about seven years when I was much younger. I regret being so extreme back then and hurting them so much. But at the time my survival was at stake. This was when I was also being completely haunted by traumas of childhood, which I blamed them both for. And was suicidal about. It's only really been in recent years that mum and I have resolved some of this, not through speaking about it but through somehow just coming to a different place in life, being different people now than we were then and recognising that. I'm holding out hope for you and your mum in the long run too. People change a lot over time. I can no longer really hold things against my mum as she is now, a sweet old lady, not the anger-ridden woman under extreme stress that she used to be.

I have certainly started to let my mum know when what she says or does is hurting me. I used to get really angry and upset - now I will tell her that I am angry or upset more calmly and stand my ground. She does back off more when I do this rather than try to 'laugh off' what I say or not listen at all. So I suppose that is progress.

The situation is so difficult as I blame her for so much but she would have no idea if I said that to her what I was talking about. She doesn't know about any of the abuse (childhood and adulthood). I was very good at keeping that all from everyone! The thought of her knowing any of it now is not something I can even consider @Mazarita - as much as I 'blame' her for not protecting me - I want to protect her from the pain it would cause if she knew.

@Zoe7, I know so well how mums can trigger us with thoughtless words or actions. My mum has been infuriating to me so many, many times. And I haven't been as merciful with her in the past, having thrown lots of things at her in anger over time. She knows pretty much everything that happened to me back then. But I've kept stuff that I got into myself in adulthood from her for the same reasons as you. I think it's extra hard to be forgiving when going through very difficult times ourselves. I myself feel relatively calm at present (by my standards, lol). This has been relatively recent for me though, since being diagnosed with bipolar in 2008, receiving better medications and also being in a generally more peaceful time in my life since that time.

My situation with my Mum is compounded by both hers and my relationship with my sister (that is another story altogether!!!) and the ongoing 'battles' with my Dad. Families are so complicated!!!!!!

The only thing I really know in my life is that I don't like life - not matter how I think about it or what I do! Some things give me moments of joy or happiness but that is never enduring for long. I really do just 'survive' each day and hope that the next day will not be any worse than the present day or those before @Mazarita

@Zoe7, it's familiar to me too, that feeling of not liking life. I still hold an anger deep inside about it's many injustices, in relation to myself and others. The way the 'system' operates enrages me in a deep way. Mostly I try to rise above those feelings and find the better things about life, related to nature and the way ordinary people can reach out and give each other love and care in various ways. But in that year when I was living alone, haunted by terribly dark memories and suicidal (because I couldn't stand the pain), the days felt like moving through concrete. I was terribly depressed and anxious and probably psychotic with it in an introverted way. The visions I had then were not just flashbacks, they also included supernatural manifestations of my terrors. So I understand your feelings to some extent. All I can say, from my own point of view, is that I did come out of that place eventually and am now glad I am here, despite whatever struggles I still go through. They are nothing compared to where I once was with it.

I've been having a very similar experience of late with respect to flashbacks and 'seeing' very vividly 'people' ( even though it has been dark). This is new and is terrifying not only in the moment but at different stages it hits me from nowhere.

I have never been 'triggered' by so much as I am now. The smallest thing can send me into a panic or cause me to 'shut off' to vaying degrees.

@Mazarita the suicidal thoughts have been with me for a long time - they are not a recent thing - just more prone now to act on them. Not sure how this is likely to change - not sure most days that I even care if the situation does change.

At this present point in time it would be so much easier if I went to sleep and didn't wake up but I know that is not going to happen without me helping it along - and that is viable at present.

I hear you, @Zoe7. I know too that at times like this there's not much that can be said that is really of help. But just as we are speaking I'm hearing the first birds of dawn sounding here. That means they are not far from you too. Keep holding on for now, Zoe. Sending gentle hugs. What is Toby up to as we are speaking?

I am holding on @Mazarita Toby is sleeping next to me and Cat is on her bed close by also. Every now and then Toby will make little sounds in his sleep or stretch out - so that keeps me from disappearing into my own thoughts. Just being kept company tonight has been a great help. I am so tired - mentally and physically. It won't be long before the sun starts to rise and I'll be more likely to sleep.

That's great to hear, @Zoe7. First light is in full swing here now. The birds are getting chirpier by the second. I've opened up the glass door to the balcony. It's a bit chilly but worth it to be able to hear the dawn chorus. I'll be heading to sleep as soon as first light arrives with you.